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Text 1
Imagine that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. One day long ago the
Martians, looking through their telescopes, discovered the Venusians. Just glimpsing the Venusians
awakened feelings they had never known. They fell in love and quickly invented space travel and flew
to Venus.
The Venusians welcomed the Martians with open arms. They had intuitively known that this
day would come. Their hearts opened wide to a love they had never felt before.
The love between the Venusians and Martians was magical. They delighted in being together,
doing things together, and sharing together. Though from different worlds, they reveled in their
differences. They spent months learning about each other, exploring and appreciating their different
needs, preferences, and behavior patterns. For years they lived together in love and harmony.
Then they decided to fly to Earth, in the beginning everything was wonderful and beautiful.
But the effects of Earth’s atmosphere took hold, and one morning everyone woke up with a peculiar
kind of amnesia - selective amnesia!
Both the Martians and Venusians forgot that they were from different planets and were
supposed to be different. In one morning everything they had learned about their differences was
erased from their memory. And since that day men and women have been in conflict.
Without the awareness that we are supposed to be different, men and women are at odds
with each other. We usually become angry or frustrated with the opposite sex because we have
forgotten this important truth. We expect the opposite sex to be more like ourselves. We desire
them to “want what we want” and “feel the way we feel”.
We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways
– the ways we react and behave when we love someone. This attitude sets us up to be disappointed
again and again and prevents us from taking the necessary time to communicate lovingly about our
differences.
Men mistakenly expect women to think, communicate, and react the way men do; women
mistakenly expect men to feel, communicate, and respond the way women do. We have forgotten
that men and women are supposed to be different. As a result our relationships are filled with
unnecessary friction and conflict.
Clearly recognizing and respecting these differences dramatically reduces confusion when
dealing with the opposite sex. When you remember that men are from Mars and women are from
Venus, everything can be explained.
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Text 2
Many experts tell us we are doing things wrong and should change our behavior - which
usually sounds easier than it turns out to be. Sensitivity training judges men by women’s standards,
trying to get them to talk more like women. Assertiveness training judges women by men’s standards
and tries to get them to talk more like men. No doubt, many people can be helped by learning to be
more sensitive or more assertive. But few people are helped by being told they are doing everything
all wrong. And there may be little wrong with what people are doing, even if they are winding up in
arguments. The problem may be that each partner is operating within a different system, speaking a
different genderlect [i.e. a male ‘dialect’ and a female ‘dialect’].
An obvious question is, Can genderlect be taught? Can people change their conversational
styles? If they want to, yes, they can - to an extent. But those who ask this question rarely want to
change their own styles. Usually, what they have in mind is sending their partners for repair: They’d
like to get him or her to change. Changing one’s own style is far less appealing, because it is not just
how you act but who you feel yourself to be. Therefore a more realistic approach is to learn how to
interpret each other’s messages and explain your own in a way your partner can understand and
accept.
Understanding genderlects makes it possible to change – to try speaking differently – when
you want to. But even if no one changes, understanding genderlect improves relationships. Once
people realize that their partners have different conversational styles, they are inclined to accept
differences without blaming themselves, their partners, or their relationships. The biggest mistake is
believing there is one right way to listen, to talk, to have a conversation - or a relationship. Nothing
hurts more than being told your intentions are bad when you know they are good, or being told you
are doing something wrong when you know you’re just doing it your way.
Not seeing style differences for what they are, people draw conclusions about personality
(“you’re illogical”, “you’re insecure”, “you’re self-centered”) or intentions (“you don’t listen”, “you
put me down”). Understanding style differences for what they are takes the sting out of them.
Believing that “you’re not interested in me”, “you don’t care about me as much as I care about you”,
or “you want to take away my freedom” feels awful. Believing that “you have a different way of
showing you’re listening” or “showing you care” allows for no-fault negotiation: you can ask for or
make adjustments without casting or taking blame.
If you understand gender differences in what I call conversational style, you may not be able
to prevent disagreements from arising, but you stand a better chance of preventing them from
spiraling out of control. When sincere attempts to communicate end in stalemate, and a beloved
partner seems irrational and obstinate, the different languages men and women speak can shake the
foundation of our lives. Understanding the other’s ways of talking is a giant leap across the
communication gap between women and men, and a giant step toward opening lines of
communication.