Routledge Student Readers Series Editor: Chris Jenks, Professor of Sociology, Goldsmiths College, University of London Already in this series: Theories of Race and Racism; A Reader Edited by Les Back and John Solomos Ä sociological reader Edited by Stevi Jackson and Sue Scott 13 Routiedge ffi & Taylor & Francis Group LONDON AND NEW YORK :\t Hrst published 2002 by Rout) edge 11 New Fetter Lane, London EC4P 4-IIL Simultaneously published, in the USA and Canada by Rout ledge 29 West 35th Street, New York, NY 10001 Reprinted 2001 Rout ledge is an imprint of the Taylor & Francis Group © 2002 editorial matter, Slevi Jackson and Sue Scott; individual chapters, the contributors 1'ypeset in Perpetua and Bell Gothic bv Florence Production Ltd, Stoodleigh, Devon Printed and bound in Great Britain by TJ International Ltd, Padstow, Cornwall All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reprinted or reprodueed or utilised in any form or by any electronic, mechanical, or other means, now blown or hereafter invented, including photocopying and recording, or in any information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publishers. British Library Cataloguing in Publication Dala A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data Gender: a sociological reader / edited by Stcvi Jackson and Sue Scott. p. cm. ■ (Routledge student readers) induces oiuiiugrapnic.il reierences and index. I. Sex role. 2. Sex - Social aspects. 3. Feminism. I. Jackson, Stcvi. II. Scott, Sue. III. Series. HQ1075 .G426 2001 30S.3-(lt-21 2001032590 ISHN0 ■IIS -20179 9 (hbk) ISBN 0-415-20180-2 (pbk) Contents Series editor's preface Acknowledgements Stevi Jackson and Sue Scott INTRODUCTION: THE GENDERING OF SOCIOLOGY PART ONE Gender and knowledge 1 Liz Stanley SHOULD %SEX' REALLY BE 'GENDER' - OR LENDER' REALLY BE 'SEX'? 2 Candace West and Don H. Zimmerman DOING GENDER 3 Judith Butler PERFORMATIVE SUBVERSIONS 4 Christine Delphy RETHINKING SEX AND GENDER 5 Bob Connef! HEGEMONIC MASCULINITY 6 Dorothy E. Smith WOMEN'S PERSPECTIVE AS A RADICAL CRITIQUE OF SOCIOLOGY 232 WENDY LANGFORD tomorrow or whatever you know? — that kind of thing — Oh God I wish this would just be over — you know? — which speaks volumes doesn't, it? It would be hard to do justice to the question of the distress and harm inflicted upon women by their being reduced to mere instruments of their partner's gratification. I will not try, save to say that tears were shed during some interviews, and to give these two quotes from Sarah and jean: SARAH: It's horrible. He doesn't even like me. He doesn't look at me . . . And I feel awful afterwards, because I feel like I have just been used. ... It is soul-destroying, and I think it just makes me lose all my confidence. jean: After it was over I would sort of just lie there for a while and then come downstairs] and break my heart, thinking for God's sake I can't stand this. I hated it. Without accounts from men, it is not possible to know how they understood this violence which they exacted upon their partners. Women's accounts suggested that the aim of men's aggression was, paradoxically, to block out all knowledge of the suffering they were inflicting in their hopeless attempt to enforce the fantasy that women actually could, and wanted to, provide them with unconditional gratification. This observation would certainly correspond with the psychology of the 'master'. The master does not aim to inflict suffering for its own sake, indeed, he might feel extremely guilty were he to allow knowledge of the slave's suffering to come fully into his awareness. The master's ability to exhibit concern or compassion for the slave is overridden, however, by his own existential drama; his aggression is aimed at reassuring himself that he has control over the independent will of the slave, whose recognition he needs to convince himself of his own existence. Chapter 29 Jean Duncombe and Dennis Marsden WHOSE ORGASM IS THIS ANYWAY? 'Sex work7 in long-term heterosexual couple relationships Drawing on interviews with both partners in established heterosexual couples, the authors explore the gendered responses to the expectations about and the practice of sex and intimacy. They develop the concept of vsex work' to expiain how their respondents managed feelings of distaste and disappointment as time progressed, in contrasťwith'earlier"feelings of attraction Or passion, which had masked any flaws and difficulties. The data indicate that many of the women had never been really happy about the quality of sex with their partners and were relieved to find ways to negotiate a minimal degree of intimacy. The men, on the other hand, tended to regret the decline, and in some cases expected sex as a conjugal right. This study suggests that despite women's greater equality and sexual freedom behind the bedroom door they are not experiencing sexual pleasure and that this is still being blamed on their frigidity' rather than their partner's failings. From Jeffery Weeks and Janet Holland Ceds) Sexual Cultures: Communities and Intimacy, London: ľvlacmiilan (1996). TO SUSTAIN THE SENSE of intimacy in long-term relationships, women often undertake 'emotion work' on their partners and on themselves by insisting that "We're ever so happy, really' and putting up defences against evidence to the contrary. This process may be described as 'living the family myth' (Hochschild 1990) or, as we would say, 'playing the couple game'. . . . By analogy with emotion work, in doing 'sex work' individuals would 'manage' their emotions according to 'feeling rules' of how sex ought to be experienced (Hochschild 1983), to try to attain or simulate (for themselves and/or their partners) a sexual fulfilment they would not feel 'spontaneously': for example, to endure 234 JEAN DUNCOMBE AND DENNIS MARSDEN sex, Victorian brides-to-be were exhorted to 'lie back and think of England'; and, more recently, women admit they sometimes fake orgasms, and couples (or women) are advised to 'work' on their fading relationships by restaging romance. . . . In fact, married couples generally experience a long-term decline in sexual activity,' which has been attributed to 'habituation', or the 'distractions' of family life and work (Frank and Anderson 1980; Rubin 1991; Weiss 1990). It has been suggested that a companionate 'tenderness' may outweigh any sexual regrets (Frank and Anderson 1980), but Rubin reports how many of her respondents in longer-term relationships 'mourn the passing of . . . passion' (Rubin 1991: 166—71), and occasionally get nostalgic flashbacks and wonder, 'Why can't we make this happen all the time?' (Rubin 1991: 186). Our study of change in longer-term relationships Our respondents echoed this puzzlement that they could not recapture earlier passion and romance - apart from the occasional sense of déja vu with the aid of wine or the romantic setting of a holiday (Duncombe and Marsden 1995). But the decline of passion and tactile or sensual intimacy seemed somehow inevitable: one wife said, 'We don't have sex so much now, 1 mean I think you'd have to be pretty energetic to maintain that sort of . . . Sometimes we have a long kiss but not so much now. Not every day. . . . We like being, I mean / like being close.' However, it was surprisingly common for women now to 'confess' that they had-always 'at soma level' found their sexual relationships unfulfillmg: He didn't really bother with foreplay. But somehow I was so into him that it didn't matter, and I never said anything. I sort of didn't notice, yet I sort of did. ... I think somehow it doesn't seem important, and you don't want to hurt their feelings. And somehow the sex seemed wonderful even when it went wrong. Other wives commented on early doubts (about erection failures, or the shape or size of their husband's penis) about which they had reassured their husband or blamed themselves, but which they now consciously recognised had mattered 'at some level' even then, and had come to matter more later. In contrast, men who acknowledged early problems tended to blame what they saw as their wives' low sex drive: I really do . . . try, but. ... í think she might be one of those women who just doesn't need sex. ... I remember a very funny night, we went out to see some friends and the bloke had devised a chart. . . . There were three colours, one where his wife wanted it, one when he wanted it, and one when they both wanted it. ... But I thought, I wouldn't need . . . the one when Penny wanted it. . . , [But] if I'd sat down and said, 'Look Penny, we've got a problem in our sex life, we need to talk about it,' she would have gone off in a rage, so I just didn't bother. WHOSE ORGASM IS THIS ANYWAY? 235 However, several husbands had recognised their own deficiencies, again initially at some rather deep level: We kind of settled into a routine where I liked sex early in the morning . . . but she was sleepy . . . although she'd let me have it (I was a 'dawn raider'!). ... I can remember . . . 'sublirrinally' ... I was frightened of letting her get into it . . . because I wouldn't know what to do with it. . . . It made me feel a bit inadequate. . . . [But] it's not all my fault because she never said — she sort of said she got pleasure even if she didn't come — and she would never participate much if I tried anything different. Discussion was avoided because each partner did not want to hurt the other, but also men feared looking vulnerable while women feared men's anger: It was like he knew there had to be foreplay so — a couple of squeezes up here, then a quick rummage about down there and straight in. But he went berserk when i tried to say I'd like him to try more in the foreplay bit. ... I thought he'd hit me. So couples tended to develop informal strategies and routines — restricting sex to particular nights, or giving coded messages like wearing sexy nighties or bathing at an unusual time — which indicated and regulated sexual availability (and incidentally avoided the need for women openly to show desire). . . . Sexual experimentation, pornography and masturbation To overcome boredom or sexual difficulties couples sometimes experimented with the use of pornography or changes of sexual techniques, or they had resorted to more frequent masturbation.3 Our data suggest differences between the incorporation of pornography during the earlier passionate phase of a relationship, as compared with the attempt to liven up sex that had lost its passion. In either case men tended to be the initiators because they more readily found pornography arousing and hoped it would help overcome women's inhibitions (get them 'worked up'). But pornography was more acceptable to women early in the relationship (when they might also dress up in sexy undies) than later with a partner for whom they had lost their sense of intimacy, when they felt less able to 'allow' themselves to become (and admit to being) sexually aroused. Some couples had agreed to experiment with the introduction of pornography-later in their relationship: as one husband said, 'What else can you do if you've been married for twelve years and you don't want to endanger your relationship by having affairs?' However, this couple were uneasy at how maintaining the boost to their sex life seemed to need more frequent changes and ever 'harder' porn. Then, it was women who began to find pornography distasteful and a 'turn-off. In our study, the husbands had often wanted their wives to give them oral sex, although it was not uncommon for wives to refuse even early on. And while 236 JEAN DUNCOMBE AND DENNIS M A RS D E N a ťew who had complied sensed a power over men's vulnerability, they sometimes admitted suppressing qualms about smell and taste. However, as intimacy decayed; such feelings increased, as did the sense of coercion, until oral sex ceased. As a relatively guilt-free and 'functional' safety valve for their marriages, husbands began to resort to more frequent solitary masturbation — not uncommonly at work where pornography was available. You have to be quiet, it's funny really. Sometimes I wonder, afterwards, how many other blokes were wanking in the loo! Although some wives felt released by this from pressures to have sex, over time husbands might become resentful: It would be no skin off her nose. . . . Sometimes I just want her to let me put it in and do it. ... She's broken the contract. Sex is part of marriage, and I can't see that anything's changed enough to alter that. One woman claimed she didn't mind her husband masturbating in the bathroom but she resented the way it joggled her about in bed; but the husband claimed that she aroused his desire, so she should help or at least let him do it in comfort! For a husband deliberately to let his wife know he masturbated could be a deliberate attempt to induce guilt. . . . Unlike men, women actually preferred to masturbate alone, out of greater shyness but also afraid their husbands would see their behaviour as an insult or a prelude to penetration. Women's masturbation might also be seen as 'functional' for marriage (giving them the orgasm their husband could not). However, (as with men) masturbation could bring the realisation of lack of fulfilment in their relationship; and discovering about orgasms (in one instance through contact with a women's group) could sometimes change women's lives more radically: I started to think [feeling frigid] wasn't my fault — which actually (my husband] had ... let me believe. And I started to feel angry ... 1 read about [masturbation] so I decided to try it and it made me feel very nníífí^i-fiiI tn lŕ»i»-n iKniif TTiV rrWľí rsríďv This wife then discovered she could attain orgasm with other men, and the couple have now negotiated an open relationship. . . . In conclusion: the pursuit of 'authentic' sex Overall, we would argue that there is considerable empirical evidence of sex work, both where individuals reveal that influence of ideologies of how they believe sex 'ought' to be and, more explicitly, where they say they have to 'try' or 'work' or 'force' themselves to have sex. We cannot say how far sex work pervades sexual life, but we are not arguing that people live at a constant pitch of sexual disappointment or even desperation - only that we suspect that 'at some ieveľ many long-term couples would recognise the difficulties described here. . . . WHOSE ORGASM IS THIS ANYWAY? 237 Notes 1 In the US and UK, sexual activity and marital satisfaction decline, the latter reaching a low point after fifteen years, although the pattern is by no means simple (Frank and Anderson 1980; evidence summarised in Goodman 1993; Weilings et ah 1994). 2 Rubin gives some evidence on pornography and changes in sexual technique e.g. oral sex is now practised by most younger couples — though not anal sex (Rubin 1991). US surveys indicate that masturbation is relatively common in marriage, men more than women (Aldridge 1983; Goodman, 1993). References Aldridge, R. G. (1983) 'Masturbation during marriage', Correctional and Social Psychology Journal, 27: i Í2-Í4-. Duneombe, j. and Marsden D. (1995) 'Can men love? "Reading", "staging" and "resisting" the romance', in L. Pearce and J. Stacey (eds), Romance Revisited. London: Lawrence & Wishart. Frank, E. and Anderson, C. (1980) 'The sexual stages of marriage', Family Circle, February, p. 64. Goodman, N. (1993), Marriage and the Family. New York: HarperCollins. .Hoehschild,...A,.R,-(-1-983) The Managed Heart. London: University of California Press. Hochschild, A. R. with Maching, A. (1990) The Second Shift. London: Piatkus. Rubin, L. B. (1991) Erotic Wars. New York: Harper & Row. Weiss, R. S. (1990) Staying the Course. New York: Fawcett Columbine. Weilings, K., Field, j., Johnson, A. M. and Wadsworth, ]. (1994) Sexual Behaviour in Britain: The National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles. London: Penguin.