http://das.sagepub.com/
Discourse & Society
http://das.sagepub.com/content/10/3/293
The online version of this article can be found at:
DOI: 10.1177/0957926599010003002
1999 10: 293Discourse Society
CELIA KITZINGER and HANNAH FRITH
Perspective on Sexual Refusal
Just Say No? The Use of Conversation Analysis in Developing a Feminist
Published by:
http://www.sagepublications.com
can be found at:Discourse & SocietyAdditional services and information for
http://das.sagepub.com/cgi/alertsEmail Alerts:
http://das.sagepub.com/subscriptionsSubscriptions:
http://www.sagepub.com/journalsReprints.navReprints:
http://www.sagepub.com/journalsPermissions.navPermissions:
http://das.sagepub.com/content/10/3/293.refs.htmlCitations:
at New School Digital Library on September 14, 2010das.sagepub.comDownloaded from
The teaching of ‘refusal skills’ is common to many date rape prevention,
assertiveness training and social skills programmes for young women. The
assumption underlying such programmes is that young women find it difficult to
refuse unwanted sexual activity. A common goal of such programmes is to teach
women to ‘just say no’, clearly, directly, and unapologetically: they aim to ‘provide
women with the skills to avoid victimisation by learning to say “no” effectively’
(Kidder et al., 1983: 159).
The aim of this article is to show the value of conversation analysis (CA)
(Psathas, 1995; Hutchby & Wooffitt, 1998) for feminist theory and practice in the
A RT I C L E 293
Just say no? The use of conversation
analysis in developing a feminist
perspective on sexual refusal
C E L I A K I T Z I N G E R
L O U G H B O RO U G H U N I V E R S I T Y
H A N NA H F R I T H
U N I V E R S I T Y O F T H E W E S T O F E N G L A N D
A B S T R AC T. This article aims to show the value of conversation
analysis for feminist theory and practice around refusal skills
training and date rape prevention. Conversation analysis shows that
refusals are complex conversational interactions, incorporating
delays, prefaces, palliatives, and accounts. Refusal skills training
often ignores and overrides these with its simplistic prescription to
‘just say no’. It should not in fact be necessary for a woman to say
‘no’ in order for her to be understood as refusing sex. We draw on
our own data to suggest that young women are able explicitly to
articulate a sophisticated awareness of these culturally normative
ways of indicating refusal, and we suggest that insistence upon ‘just
say no’ may be counterproductive insofar as it implies that other
ways of doing refusals (e.g. with silences, compliments, or even weak
acceptances) are open to reasonable doubt. Finally we discuss the
implications of our use of conversation analysis for feminist
psychology, both in relation to date rape and more generally.
K E Y WO R D S : conversation analysis, date rape, dispreferreds, feminism,
refusal skills, young women
Discourse & Society
Copyright © 1999
SAGE Publications
(London,
Thousand Oaks, CA
and New Delhi)
Vol 10(3): 293–316
[0957-9265
(199907) 10:3;
293–316; 006824]
at New School Digital Library on September 14, 2010das.sagepub.comDownloaded from
area of refusal skills training and date rape prevention. We review the existing CA
literature on how people ‘say no’ in ordinary everyday interactions, and consider
what we know about how such refusals are done both in relation to what young
women already know about ‘saying no’ and in relation to the educational literature
on refusal skills. Illustrating our argument with our own data, we first support
the claim that young women do indeed find it difficult to ‘just say no’ to
unwanted sex, and we outline some of the explanations commonly offered for
why this might be the case. Second, we draw upon CA to offer an alternative
explanation for this difficulty. We show that the empirical findings of CA demonstrate
that refusals are complex and finely organized conversational interactions,
and are not appropriately summarized by the advice to ‘just say no’. Third, we use
our data to show that young women already have, and can explicitly articulate, a
sophisticated awareness of these culturally normative ways of doing refusals and
we suggest that it is precisely their knowledge of the cultural rules documented
by conversation analysts which explains why they do not ‘just say no’ in response
to unwanted sex. We suggest that date rape prevention (and similar) programmes
which insist upon ‘just saying no’ as appropriate behaviour are deeply problematic
in that they ignore and override culturally normative ways of indicating
refusal. Fourth (and with important consequences for education in refusal skills),
we use the conversation analytic research on refusals to show that it should not in
fact be necessary for a woman to say ‘no’ for her to be understood as refusing sex and
that insistence upon ‘just say no’ may be counter-productive insofar as it implies
that other ways of doing refusals (which do not include the word ‘no’) are less
than adequate. Finally, we discuss the implications of our use of conversation
analytic work for feminist psychology, both in relation to young women’s experiences
of date rape, and more generally.
We would like to emphasize that our focus here on the conversational problems
entailed in ‘just saying no’ does not mean that we have no other criticisms of date
rape education and refusal skills programmes and their theoretical/political
rationale. Many of them (e.g. ‘Sex Respect’, cf. Driscoll and Greig, 1994) are based
on right-wing fundamentalist Christian ideas of chastity and sexual continence
with which we are in profound disagreement. Many offer the teaching of refusal
skills as an alternative to contraception (e.g. Campbell and Barnlund, 1977) or to
safer sex (e.g. Howard, 1985b), while we would advocate the wider availability of
contraception and information about safer sex practices. Even those programmes
which operate with a broadly liberal or even feminist perspective often raise concerns.
In particular, we would draw attention to their implicit (sometimes explicit)
reliance on ‘miscommunication’ theory (Tannen, 1991), according to which date
rape is often the result of miscommunication between the sexes: he misinterprets
her verbal and non-verbal communication, falsely believing that she wants sex;
she fails to say ‘no’ clearly and effectively. As Carole Cocoran (1992: 135) points
out, ‘most acquaintance rape programs stress misinterpretation as the cause of
date rape and therefore suggest that the remedy lies in assertive verbal communication
on the part of the female’. For example, assuming that there are differ-
294 Discourse & Society 10(3)
at New School Digital Library on September 14, 2010das.sagepub.comDownloaded from
ences of interpretation between men and women, the American College Health
Association (cited in Turner and Rubinson, 1993: 605) advises women that
‘often most men interpret timidity as permission’ (which is why it is important to
‘say no when you mean no’). Consequently, women’s ‘undercommunication of
disinclination to have sex’ is viewed as a contributing factor in date rape (Allgeier,
1986, cited in Murnen et al., 1989) and psychologists conclude that ‘if more
women were able to communicate their disinterest [sic], more of the unwanted
sex would be eliminated’ (Murnen et al., 1989). As we have noted elsewhere
(Frith and Kitzinger, 1997), this theory places the burden of responsibility for
date rape back on to women and obscures institutionalized gender power
relations. As Ehrlich (1998) demonstrates, the miscommunication model of date
rape is a useful resource for defendants in sexual assault tribunals seeking to construct
themselves as innocent: complainants are represented as deficient in their
efforts to signal non-consent.
Our argument here does not rely upon the idea that there are gender differences
in the expression or understanding of refusals. Rather than attempting to define
gender differences in talk, or to characterize the interactional styles of men and
women, we explore the ways in which young women themselves talk about
sexual refusals. Drawing on the conversation analytic literature, and on our own
data, we claim that both men and women have a sophisticated ability to convey
and to comprehend refusals, including refusals which do not include the word
‘no’, and we suggest that male claims not to have ‘understood’ refusals which
conform to culturally normative patterns can only be heard as self-interested justifications
for coercive behaviour.
Young women find it difficult to ‘just say no’ to unwanted sex
It is common for women to report that they find it difficult to refuse unwanted sex
(e.g. Campbell and Barnlund, 1977; Howard, 1985a, 1985b; Warzak and Page,
1990), and victims of sexual assault often report feeling that they had ‘failed to
make their refusal sufficiently clear’ (Cairns, 1993: 205). Forty-five percent of
participants in one study (Warzak et al., 1995) ‘reported that they lacked effective
refusal skills’ and 77 percent of all participants in the study ‘responded in the
affirmative when asked if they had an interest in learning more effective refusal
skills’.
Our own data from focus groups (cf. Wilkinson, 1999) with 58 female school
and university students support these findings. There are many discussions
throughout our data about the difficulty of saying no (see Frith and Kitzinger,
1998; Frith, 1997, for more details). For example, in the following extract, Tara
and Pat recount how difficult they find it to reject someone sexually, even at a
fairly early stage in the proceedings.
Tara: My male friends are always thinking, you know, that I’ve. . . I’ve got that sort of
problem where somebody’s keen, I just can’t. . . I just can’t say to somebody, ‘look,
sorry, I’m not’, and I’ll end up. . . I’ll avoid it in the end, but I’ll quite often end up
Kitzinger & Frith: Just say no? The use of conversation 295
at New School Digital Library on September 14, 2010das.sagepub.comDownloaded from
speaking to them for hours and hours, and I’m just thinking like, ‘I really don’t want
to be here; I want to be doing something else’ [. . .] I just can’t drop it.
Int.: Why?
Pat: You don’t want to hurt their feelings. [. . .] I really try and avoid ever having to be
in the situation of having to say to somebody, ‘look, no, I’m sorry’ [. . . ] I wouldn’t
really risk to have a sort of a flirty jokey sort of conversation with someone that I don’t
know very well in case they suddenly just say, ‘okay, how about it?’, and then it would
just be like ‘uuuuhhhhh!’.
For both Tara and Pat, then, saying ‘no’ is so difficult that they try to avoid ever
having to do it. In the following extract, another young woman describes the
problem of trying to refuse particular sexual activities once a sexual encounter
has commenced.
Liz: You’ve sat there and all through it you’ve been thinking ‘I don’t want to do this, I
should have said no, I should have stopped him before, and I can’t stop him now,
because we’re half way through the swing of it all, and I’m just so stupid. Next time
I’m just going to sort it all out. . .’ [. . .] But you never do. . . .
Asked how one might go about refusing sex with men, one young woman
resorts to fantasy as the only way she can imagine of doing this successfully.
Sara: Have a supersonic button, right (laughter), and then, just before you have sex,
and you didn’t want to, you could press it and vaporize them.
Of course, this is not the only way in which young women talked about refusing
sex. Sometimes, they say, refusing sex is a relatively simple matter of just
saying no: ‘you just get straight to the point’ (Jane); ‘I personally feel that I could
say no, and I have done’ (Jan). Quantification of our data (i.e. what percentage of
women report finding it difficult to refuse sex and what percentage report finding
it easy) is, however, not a straightforward counting exercise. Some women avoid
ever commenting directly on the relative ease or difficulty of refusing sex, and
many say at one point in the group discussion that it is easy, and at another that
it is difficult. On one occasion, for example, Liz, comments that a forthright no is
simple and effective (‘that’s what I said to my present boyfriend, “I’m not having
sex with you”’); later she talks about finding refusals difficult and embarrassing
(‘it just doesn’t seem right to say no when you’re up there in the situation’). These
contradictions and ambiguities arise, we believe, because talk is not simply a
transparent report of experience; rather it is doing interactive business between
focus group participants. Handbooks which advise researchers on how to conduct
focus group research often warn against the dangers of inappropriate quantification
of focus group data (e.g. Morgan and Krueger, 1993: 14). According to
Morgan (1988: 119), ‘numbers and percentages are not appropriate for focus
group research and should not be included in the report’. Others (e.g. Krueger,
1988) are inclined to admit some quantification, but disagreement centres
around whether the group, the participant, or the participants’ utterances constitute
the appropriate unit of analysis. For the purposes of this article, then, we
consider it sufficient to note that there are relatively few occasions on which
296 Discourse & Society 10(3)
at New School Digital Library on September 14, 2010das.sagepub.comDownloaded from
the 58 young women in our study reported that they felt able to say a clear and
direct ‘no’, and fewer still instances of actual examples from their own experience
of times when they had done this. Many researchers would see young women like
these as prime candidates for sexual assertiveness training courses where they
can be taught how to ‘just say no’ .
Why is it apparently so difficult for young women to refuse unwanted sex? A
wide range of explanations is offered in the literature. The failure to ‘just say no’
is often attributed to internal personality characteristics such as low self-esteem
(Stere, 1985), lack of assertiveness (McConnch, 1990) or lack of perseverance
(Sandler et al., 1992). According to Murnen et al. (1989) internalization of traditionally
feminine gender role stereotypes (‘passivity, submissiveness, nurturance,
acquiescence to male needs and helpfulness’) means that ‘women are often
trained to be ineffective communicators in a sexual relationship’. Other
researchers suggest that young women find it hard to ‘just say no’ because they
are concerned about the damage to their reputations if they do not comply with
male sexual demands (e.g. fear of being labelled ‘frigid’ or ‘lesbian’; Muehlenhard
and Cook, 1988); because they are committed to safeguarding the emotional and
sexual well-being of their partners (Duncombe and Marsden, 1993, 1996); or
because they are the victims of sexual scripts according to which (for example)
‘going too far’ in some assumed sexual sequence means that a woman then forfeits
the right to say ‘no’ (e.g. Goodchilds et al., 1988; Quinn et al., 1991). It is
also often suggested that sexuality is a particularly difficult topic for open and
clear communication, and that young women who might be fully able to communicate
their desires (or lack of them) in other situations, are unable to do so in
the sexual situation, with its heavy cultural loading and high level of personal
investment. We think all of these explanations may sometimes be useful, and our
own data indicate that young women themselves often use explanations like these
to account for their own (and other people’s) difficulties in refusing unwanted sex.
However, what these explanations leave out is the simple fact that saying no is
difficult in any context. These young women’s reported discomfort with, and
inability to say, open, clear and direct ‘no’s is not specific to their age, to the situation,
or even to their gender. It is common for people to experience difficulty in
refusing invitations or declining offers, at whatever age, and across a wide variety
of situations. Advice on how to say no is widely available in Anglo-American culture
– even on the Web (‘How to say no with style’ from www.synapsenet/oracle).
Assertiveness books routinely include role play exercises in saying no (e.g.
Fensterheim and Baer, 1975; McConnch, 1990) and management books have
sections with titles like ‘Knowing How to Say No’ (Burley-Allen, 1983), or lists of
techniques for helping people to say no in the work environment (Stubbs, 1986).
Saying no ‘nicely’ has always been a key question of etiquette (e.g. Coudert,
1993; Martin, 1982: 87–9) and therapists and counsellors also often find themselves
giving advice on how to say no. Such advice would not be so widely available
if most people experienced saying no as unproblematic. The difficulty of
‘saying no’ is so well known that it has generated an endless stream of ‘jokes’ (see
Kitzinger & Frith: Just say no? The use of conversation 297
at New School Digital Library on September 14, 2010das.sagepub.comDownloaded from
Crombie, 1994, for examples) which underscore the apparent need people feel to
come up with (sometimes implausible) excuses and justifications to explain their
refusals (e.g. ‘I’d love to but I’m staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture’
or ‘I’m teaching my ferret to yodel’ – both in The Guardian 10 January 1997).
Allegedly ‘humorous’ books offer ‘helpful’ translations of phrases like these, indicating
their status as refusals. In The Little Book of Romantic Lies, for example,
Bruce Smith and Laura Goeke Burns (1996) include a ‘translation’ of a woman’s
statement, ‘Can’t we just talk for a while’: this, they say, translates as ‘I’d rather
make love to a trailer hitch’. Of course, what makes these books understandable
as ‘funny’ is that readers can be assumed to ‘already know’ that ‘Can’t we just
talk for a while’ is a sexual rejection, i.e. that refusals are awkward to perform,
and that (polite) rejections are often done inexplicitly.
Refusal skills training is one of a set of ‘verbal hygeine practices’ (Cameron,
1995) which has been directed disproportionately at women, commonly seen as
suffering from gendered linguistic problems associated with oppressive expectations
about ‘feminine’ or ‘ladylike’ speech. Deborah Cameron quotes a feature on
assertiveness training in the US feminist magazine Ms. of March 1975 which
began by relating the experiences of women involved in what they described as
‘the first course of its kind in Seattle’:
We are 10 women who find it difficult to say No or to express an opinion at all.
Education, experience and feminism may make us feel equal. But learning how to
speak up for ourselves and what we believe in is something else again. That is why we
have signed up for a course in verbal self-assertion. (Withers, 1975, quoted in
Cameron, 1995: 178)
Assertiveness training and other types of refusal skills courses address this
widespread difficulty in ‘saying no’ by routinely advising that refusals are best
accomplished through plain unvarnished ‘no’s. For example, the authors of the
classic handbook, The Assertive Woman (Phelps and Austin, 1987) devote an
entire chapter to ‘Saying “No’’ ’, and claim that:
It is crucial that you give a simple ‘no’ rather than a long-winded statement filled with
excuses, justifications, and rationalizations about why you are saying ‘no’. It is
enough that you do not want to do this, simply because you do not want to do it.
(Phelps and Austin, 1987: 123–4)
Refusal skills training routinely emphasizes the importance of the unvarnished,
direct, unhesitating word ‘no’ in communicating refusals. Many books
recommend repeated ‘no’s (as in the so-called ‘cracked record’ technique, e.g.
Phelps and Austin, 1987) – and many labour the point that refusals should not
normally be accompanied by explanations. Writing for physicians concerned to
help teenagers to postpone sexual involvement, Marion Howard (1985a: 82)
counsels them to ‘emphasise to young teenagers that they have the right to say
“no’’ ’ and ‘to reinforce the idea that they do not have to give a reason or explanation’:
they should just ‘say “no” and keep repeating it’ (p. 87).
298 Discourse & Society 10(3)
at New School Digital Library on September 14, 2010das.sagepub.comDownloaded from
In sum, then, refusals skills training of the sort employed in date rape prevention
and other similar programmes aimed at young women routinely teach that
refusals are best accomplished with clear, direct, straightforward ‘no’s.
Conversation analysis shows that refusals are complex and finely
organized interactional accomplishments
The field of CA, which emerged from the pioneering work of Harvey Sacks in the
1960s (reprinted as Sacks, 1995), is generally viewed as part of the wider intellectual
programme of ethnomethodology – the study of the mundane ways in
which ordinary members of a culture produce and recognize intelligible courses
of action. CA aims to provide an elaborate and systematic account of the way in
which talk, especially talk-in-interaction, is constructed and understood by the
speakers. Researchers have studied talk across a wide range of different situations
including a suicide prevention helpline, talk in court, news interviews, medical
settings, and therapy sessions, as well as ordinary telephone conversations and
talk over the dinner table. Classic works in the field (which include studies of talk
in all of these listed settings) include the recent publication of Sack’s early lectures
(Sacks, 1995); the work on talk in judicial settings by Atkinson and Drew
(1979); and the collections of papers in the edited volumes by Atkinson and
Heritage (1984), Button and Lee (1987), Boden and Zimmerman (1991) and
Drew and Heritage (1992): for a general introduction to CA see Nofsinger (1991),
Psathas (1995) and Hutchby and Wooffitt (1998). The aim of CA is to develop an
understanding of the underlying structural organization of naturally occurring
conversation.
Conversation analysts have built up a considerable body of work about the
structure of refusals in ordinary everyday conversation (Atkinson and Heritage,
1984; Davidson, 1984; Drew, 1984; Pomerantz, 1984). This body of work (like
all of that in CA) relies upon careful attention to small details of talk, such as
short pauses, hesitations, false starts, and self-corrections. One important finding
of CA is that speakers (and listeners) are very finely tuned in to these small details
such that all of these micro-level features have interactional relevance. For
example, ‘mm hm’ and ‘yeah’ are both used as ways in which one person
acknowledges what another is saying, but they have been shown to have very different
functions (Jefferson, 1984); and very short pauses (of less than a second)
between one person finishing speaking and the next person starting to speak have
been shown routinely to influence the first person’s perception of what the second
person is about to say (Pomerantz, 1984; Levinson, 1983; Heritage, 1984). For
conversation analysts, then, ‘even the finest levels of conversational detail, every
speech error, pause, overlap or lexical correction, might be there as a “designed”
or consequential feature of social action’ (Edwards and Potter, 1992: 6).
Conversation analysts’ general focus on the small details of talk is reflected in
work on refusals. In analysing how refusals are done, conversation analysts rely
Kitzinger & Frith: Just say no? The use of conversation 299
at New School Digital Library on September 14, 2010das.sagepub.comDownloaded from
on transcripts of tape-recorded interactions (in which people refuse or do not
refuse an invitation, offer, proposal etc.). Unlike most qualitative research (which
uses a conventional orthographic transcription method, which ‘cleans up’ the
data and makes it more readable) conversation analysts have developed elaborate
transcription systems designed to preserve and convey some of these intricate
details of speech. The most widely used system, the Jeffersonian transcription
system (Atkinson and Heritage, 1984; Jefferson, 1984; Psathas and Anderson,
1990), involves the transcription not only of all words (every ‘yeah’, ‘oh’ and ‘mm
hm’) and part-words (e.g. ‘the fro-, toad’) audible on a tape, but also includes symbols
to indicate features of delivery such as pauses, intonation, volume, elongation
and cut-off of sounds, and so on. For most readers new to conversation
analysis, this transcription notation is very off-putting and makes data extracts
frustratingly hard to read. It is, however, essential to the research; and some of
the most robust findings, such as the work on ‘preference organization’ which is
presented here, would be impossible without this kind of careful transcription.
We have simplified the transcription as much as possible in quoting the data
extracts which follow, and we refer our readers to the transcription key in the
Appendix for a full explanation.
Analysis of these transcripts of naturally occurring conversations in which
people either accept or refuse invitations (offers, proposals, etc.) shows that
acceptances and refusals follow very different patterns: acceptances do, indeed,
often involve simply ‘just saying yes’, but refusals very rarely involve ‘just saying
no’. Acceptances generally involve (i) simple acceptance; and (ii) no delay
(Heritage, 1984: 266–7), as in the following examples. (Note that the ‘[’ symbol
indicates overlapping speech.)
Example 1
A: Why don’t you come up and see me some[time
B: [I would like to
(Atkinson and Drew, 1979: 58)
Example 2
A: We:ll, will you help me [ou:t.
B: [I certainly wi:ll.
(Davidson, 1984: 116)
These acceptances are typical in being immediate and direct. There is no pause
between the request and the acceptance (in fact, the person providing the acceptance
often produces speech which overlaps with that of the person making the
request) and the acceptance itself is simple and straightforward. (It is possible
that sexual acceptances – especially from women – may be somewhat different in
form; for example, there is some evidence that sexual agreement is often conveyed
nonverbally, and may even be communicated via a token refusal, cf. Muehlenhard
and Hollabaugh (1988). We are not aware of any research which has used as
data actual naturalistically occurring acceptances – or refusals – of sexual inter-
action.)
300 Discourse & Society 10(3)
at New School Digital Library on September 14, 2010das.sagepub.comDownloaded from
In contrast with the ‘unvarnished acceptances’ (Heritage, 1984: 266), typical
in the non-sexual domain, non-sexual refusals are typically neither immediate
nor direct. Here are two examples of refusals, incorporating those features which
conversation analysts have identified as typical. (Note that pauses too short to
time accurately are indicated as ‘(.)’ and longer pauses are timed in tenths of a
second; also, pauses can be filled with audible in- or outbreaths – the ‘hehh’ in
Example 4 indicates an outbreath before B starts to speak.)
Example 3
Mark: We were wondering if you wanted to come over Saturday, f’r dinner.
(0.4)
Jane: Well (.) .hh it’d be great but we promised Carol already.
(Potter and Wetherell, 1987: 86)
Example 4
A: Uh if you’d care to come and visit a little while this
morning I’ll give you a cup of coffee.
B: hehh Well that’s awfully sweet of you, I don’t think I can
make it this morning. .hh uhm I’m running an ad in the
paper and-and uh I have to stay near the phone.
(Atkinson and Drew, 1979: 58)
Conversation analysis shows that refusals are routinely designed to incorporate
at least some of the following features:
(i) delays, e.g. pauses and hesitations, like the four-tenths of a second pause in
Example 3, and the filled pause ‘hehh’ in Example 4;
(ii) prefaces (also referred to as ‘hedges’) e.g. use of markers like ‘uh’ or ‘well’
(‘well’ is used in both the preceding extracts);
(iii) palliatives, e.g. appreciations, apologies, token agreements etc. which
serve to alleviate the pain caused by the refusal; compliments such as ‘it’d
be great’ or ‘that’s awfully sweet of you’ are both examples of palliatives.
Other possible palliatives would include accompanying a refusal with a
delayed acceptance (‘not today, but tomorrow’), or with the offer of an
alternative (‘I can’t come round to your place, but why don’t you come
round to me?’) (Antaki, 1994: 79); and/or
(iv) accounts, i.e. explanations/justifications/excuses for why the invitation is
not being accepted such as a prior engagement or commitment as in
Examples 3 and 4. It is common (as in the preceding examples) for people
to present accounts which suggest that the person refusing the invitation
cannot accept it (rather than that s/he chooses not to), i.e. that they are
unable rather than unwilling. The advantage of this account is that it has a
‘no blame’ quality, which avoids the implication that the invitation is unattractive
or unwanted: it functions to constitute a refusal while avoiding
negative or critical consequences (Potter and Wetherell, 1987: 86). It is also
common for refusals to be qualified or mitigated in some way (as in ‘I don’t
think I can make it this morning’ in Example 4).
Kitzinger & Frith: Just say no? The use of conversation 301
at New School Digital Library on September 14, 2010das.sagepub.comDownloaded from
In sum, then, careful attention to the details of naturally occurring conversation
shows that it is conversationally most unusual to ‘just say no’. Rejections
and refusals are commonly delayed and indirect and follow a typical pattern
which generally includes delay in responding, some kind of prefacing of the refusal
(with words like, ‘well’, or ‘ahhh . . .’), a palliative remark, and some kind of
account aimed at softening, explaining, justifying, excusing, or redefining the
rejection. It is important to note that refusals are almost always accompanied by
explanations or justifications (Labov and Fanshel, 1977: 86–8). This is what conversation
analysts mean when they describe rejections as ‘dispreferred’ actions.
Actions which are characteristically performed straightforwardly and without
delay (like acceptances) are termed ‘preferred’ actions, while those which are
delayed, qualified and accounted for are termed ‘dispreferred’. The concept of
‘preference structure’ is widely used in CA: another example of a ‘preferred
action’ is agreeing (e.g. with someone’s opinion), which, like accepting an invitation,
is usually carried out quickly and directly; disagreeing, by contrast is
described as ‘dispreferred’, because it is characteristically marked by the same
pattern (of delay, prefacing etc.) that we have noted in refusals. Note that the
terms ‘preferred’ and ‘dispreferred’ are not intended in any way to refer to the
private desires or psychological proclivities of individual speakers: they are
simply descriptive of the different ways in which acceptances and refusals are
routinely done in ordinary talk (including the acceptance of invitations the individual
may actually want to reject, or the refusal of invitations s/he may wish to
accept).
This analysis of ordinary (non-sexual) conversational interaction offers an
explanation of why it might be difficult for people to say clear, immediate and
direct no’s (whatever their desires) in sexual situations. Quite simply, that is not
how refusals are normatively done. As we have seen, refusals are usually delayed
and indirect, and this means that immediate and direct no’s, particularly those for
which no explanations are provided, are often experienced as rude or hostile
(Heritage, 1984: 268). Advising someone to ‘just say no’, then, may not be very
good advice. In sum, CA shows that communicating a refusal is a far more elegantly
crafted interactional activity than we might have imagined, and that it is
not adequately captured in the simplistic advice offered by refusal skills training
programmes to ‘just say no’.
Young women talking about refusals display their knowledge of
the cultural rules documented by conversation analysts
The data we have collected are based on tape-recorded interactions in which
young women talk about doing refusals. Data in which refusals were actually being
done by young women would show that they, like other competent members of
their language community, have an implicit understanding of the culturally
accepted rules for refusals, as documented by conversation analysts. Our data, by
302 Discourse & Society 10(3)
at New School Digital Library on September 14, 2010das.sagepub.comDownloaded from
contrast, in which young women talk about doing refusals illustrates the extent to
which they are able to articulate and to make explicit these normative conversational
patterns.
Of course, young women describing the doing of refusals do not sound like academic
conversation analysts. We would be very surprised if one of the young
women in our focus groups used terms like ‘dispreferred’, or ‘palliative’, in discussing
the refusal of unwanted sex. Nonetheless, we show here that it is possible
to identify, in young women’s talk about the doing of refusals, a great deal of
‘common-sense’ knowledge about how refusals are normatively done – and that
this can be characterized as a lay version of conversation analytic theory. (For a
more detailed discussion of the relationship between ‘common-sense’ and
‘expert’, e.g. conversation analytic, knowledge about communicative norms, see
Kitzinger, 1998.) In this section we show how young women’s talk about refusals
demonstrates their sophisticated understanding of culturally acceptable ways of
refusing – understandings which map on to the empirical findings of CA, but
which are often at variance with the simplistic prescriptions of date rape education
(and similar) programmes.
First, although young women do not, of course, use the term, they know that
refusals are dispreferred conversational actions, i.e. that they necessitate a great
deal more interactional work than do, for example, acceptances. Whereas date
rape prevention programmes insist on direct and straightforward no’s, young
women display their sophisticated knowledge about talk in interaction by describing
feelings akin to wrongness, rudeness or foolishness which accompany the
unvarnished ‘no’, and by insisting on the need to explain and justify their refusals.
Liz: It just doesn’t seem right to say no when you’re up there in the situation.
Sara: It’s not rude, it’s not rude – it sounds awful to say this, doesn’t it.
Liz: I know.
Sara: It’s not rude, but it’s the same sort of feeling. It’s like, ‘oh my god, I can’t say no
now, can I?’
In general, the young women in our focus groups characterized explicit
refusals of sex as having negative implications for them. Later in the same group
discussion quoted earlier, Sara comments that ‘they’d probably think you were
really arrogant if you turned round and said, “I’m not going to have sex with you
though, alright”’, and Liz agrees with her, saying, ‘you’d feel a right prat’. In
another focus group, Rachel admits that ‘I’ve very rarely said to someone, “I’m
sorry, I’m not interested at all”’, and Megan agrees that to make such a clear and
direct statement would make her ‘feel a complete charlie’. In sum, these young
women’s talk about the rudeness and arrogance which would be attributed to
them, and the foolishness they would feel, in saying clear and direct ‘no’s, indicates
their awareness that such behaviour violates culturally accepted norms
according to which refusals are dispreferred actions.
Second, in line with their understanding that refusals are dispreferreds, young
women often insist that it is necessary to offer accounts (reasons or excuses) for
Kitzinger & Frith: Just say no? The use of conversation 303
at New School Digital Library on September 14, 2010das.sagepub.comDownloaded from
their refusals. This again runs counter to the advice offered by many date rape
and refusal skills training programmes. The slogan ‘just say no’ implies that
nothing other than ‘no’ needs to be said. Consider, for example, the ‘positive selfstatement’
offered by Muehlenhard et al. (1989) as part of their cognitive-behavioral
treatment programme for women at high risk of acquaintance rape: ‘I have
a right to say no without explaining my reasons’ (Muehlenhard et al., 1989). As
a statement of the rights of an individual, this is certainly true, but it is equally
true that to say no without explaining one’s reasons is conversationally very
abnormal. Young women are clear that refusing sex is something for which
reasons are needed. They point out that ‘just saying no in a relationship is not
enough if you’ve got a good relationship’ (Wendy); Jan says, ‘I think it’s better if
you try to be nice and explain why [you are refusing sex]’; and Jill describes how
she would respond to unwanted sexual pressure by saying ‘“oh no, I don’t want
to have sex with you because . . .” and then explain it’.
Third, as conversation analysts have also claimed, young women talk about
good excuses as being those which assert their inability (rather than their unwillingness)
to comply with the demand that they engage in sexual intercourse: from
the vague (and perhaps, for that reason, irrefutable) statement that they are ‘not
ready’, through to sickness and menstruation. Several women reported that they
relied on some kind of illness as an excuse: a ‘headache’ (Karen and Cath), feeling
‘tired’ (Cath), ‘knackered’ (Jane and Pam) or just feeling ‘really ill’ (Wendy). Other
excuses which emphasized the practical difficulties which made them unable
(rather than unwilling) to have sex were ‘you’ve got nowhere to do it’ (Ros), ‘you
could get expelled’ (Zoe) or ‘you’re scared of getting pregnant’ (Rose). Note that
these were offered by the young women not as genuine reasons for their not
wanting sex, but as excuses which they believed young men would find relatively
acceptable – and they sometimes made explicit their belief that the relative
acceptability of these excuses derives from their focus on inability rather than
unwillingness to have sex. Jill explains that saying no to sex with a boyfriend ‘not
for any reason, but if you just didn’t want to’ could result in a partner becoming
‘really upset about it’. In order to avoid such an outcome, a plausible excuse is
necessary. Pretending to be menstruating was one much-discussed excuse: ‘being
on your period’ was seen as an effective excuse, at least in the short term, because
‘that would stop the boy from blaming you’ (Jill). These young women’s view that
effective excuses are those rooted in inability rather than unwillingness conforms
with the empirical findings of CA, but is at variance with the advice of refusal
skills training programmes which often model statements of unwillingness as paradigmatic
assertive behaviour (e.g. ‘I don’t feel like making out tonight’, ‘I don’t
want to get in bed with you tonight’, ‘I just don’t want to’ , all from Smith, 1975:
246–7)
Their refusals are also often qualified or mitigated in some way. One form of
refusal which was very often recommended by young women in our focus groups
was the ‘delayed acceptance’, i.e. the statement that one is ‘not ready’ for sex, or
‘not ready yet’. Cath comments that ‘one way is not to say “no” as in you never
304 Discourse & Society 10(3)
at New School Digital Library on September 14, 2010das.sagepub.comDownloaded from
want to, but “no” as in “not now”’, and this was a very commonly reported strategy:
‘I’d say, “look, maybe sometime in the future”’ (Michelle); ‘I’m not ready yet;
can we wait a while?’ (Sam); ‘I start by telling him that it is all too soon’ (Maggie);
‘just say you’re not ready yet, or you want to keep it for a special time’ (Zoe). The
disadvantages of giving delayed acceptances as a form of refusal were also discussed
at some length by the young women in our groups; the young women
shared, however, a sense that delayed acceptances, whatever longer term problems
follow in their wake, are more interactionally acceptable ways of avoiding
sex than are explicit ‘no’s. Again, young women’s views about how refusals are
done, while mapping nicely on to the conversation analytic literature, run
counter to the recommendations of the refusal skills literature which warns:
Telling the man that you do not want to have sex by saying things like ‘I really don’t
know if we should do this’, ‘Not now, can’t we wait?’ or ‘‘I really like you but I’m not
sure’ is not effective. All these statements can be misconstrued as meaning that you
need a little more urging to be cooperative. (Wiseman, 1994: 65)
Fourth, young women explicitly state that it is a good idea to offer (what conversation
analysts call) palliatives in refusing sex. Young women report refusing
sexual activity with phrases such as: ‘well, it’s very flattering of you to ask’
(Sharon), or ‘look, you’re a really nice guy and I do like you, but that’s it’ (Pat).
Phrases like these serve to ‘soften’ the refusal (Atkinson and Drew, 1979: 58); as
Judy says ‘you’ve got to soften the blow somehow, haven’t you’. This search for
palliatives or attempt to ‘soften’ refusals is often expressed as a concern to find
ways of refusing sex ‘without hurting his feelings’ (Carla), and other research on
young women’s sexuality has documented the extent to which this is a major
concern for them (e.g. Howard and McCabe, 1990; Frith and Kitzinger, 1998).
According to Sharon: ‘If you have to reject someone sexually, then the best thing
to do is to make it up to them in some other direction, so that you can reject someone
sexually by offering them friendship back’. Again, as the extract from
Wiseman (1994: 65) quoted here (‘I really like you . . .’, etc) indicates, palliatives
are actively criticized in the refusal skills literature.
What these data illustrate, then, is that the young women in our focus groups
have a sophisticated awareness of normative communication patterns around
refusal which permit them not only (presumably) to do refusals in the culturally
appropriate way, but also to verbalize some aspects of what is involved in doing
this. Our data suggest that young women’s concerns about appropriate refusal
technique are fairly sophisticated compared with the crass advice to ‘just say no’.
Date rape education (and similar) programmes are prescribing behaviour which
violates basic cultural norms and social etiquette, and young women know this.
Our claim here is supported by the findings of Amy Gervasio and Mary Crawford
(1989) who have reviewed research on how people evaluate so-called ‘assertive’
behaviour. It seems that what experts think is healthy assertion strikes others as
‘aggressive’ and ‘rude’, and they suggest that one reason for this is because it
breaks the rules of normal conversation. The evidence is that ‘just saying no’ is
Kitzinger & Frith: Just say no? The use of conversation 305
at New School Digital Library on September 14, 2010das.sagepub.comDownloaded from
rude, and that young women know this. Date rape prevention (and similar) programmes
which insist upon ‘just saying no’ as appropriate behaviour are deeply
problematic in that they ignore and override culturally normative ways of indicating
refusal.
It should not be necessary for a woman to say ‘no’ in order for her
to be understood as refusing sex
Thus far we have shown that conversation analysts have demonstrated that
refusals follow a normative pattern, and that young women are able to articulate
at least some features of this pattern in their own talk about refusals. There is,
however, a crucial feature of refusing which we have not yet mentioned, although
it has important implications for refusal skills training programmes based on the
slogan, ‘Just say no’. Simply put, the word ‘no’ is neither sufficient, nor necessary,
for a refusal to be heard as such.
Most date rape (and similar) prevention programmes have incorporated the
idea that saying ‘no’ is not sufficient for a refusal to be heard as a refusal.The widespread
use of ‘token resistance’ (saying ‘no’ but meaning ‘yes’) has been welldocumented
and studies have repeatedly found that about 40 percent of US
female undergraduates report saying to their dates that they did not want to have
sex when actually they ‘had every intention to’ and were ‘willing to engage in
sexual intercourse’ (Muehlenhard and Hollabaugh, 1988; Muehlenhard and
McCoy, 1991; Sprecher et al., 1994). Because women sometimes apparently
mean ‘yes’ but say ‘no’, refusal skills teaching often encourages women to disambiguate
genuinely meant no’s by reinforcing their meaning with (for example) a
firm tone, eye contact, or other forms of non-verbal communication (e.g. physically
leaving the room, slapping the man). A ‘genuine’ no is supposed to be clear
and definite in order to distinguish it from token refusals.
But while refusal skills education acknowledges that saying ‘no’ is not sufficient
for refusal what it does not usually acknowledge is that saying no is also not
necessary for refusal. Indeed, the slogan, ‘just say no’ puts the word ‘no’ in pride of
place as the key semantic component of a refusal. This is mirrored in virtually all
date rape education (and other refusal skills) programmes; an ‘explicit and audible
NO’ is part of the operational definition of a ‘refusal’ in the study by Warzak
and Page (1990), and the teaching of ‘how to assertively yet emphatically say
“No”’ is the key pedagogic aim of the self-help book by Smith (1975). Yet, CA
demonstrates conclusively that it is not necessary to say ‘no’ in order to refuse a
request effectively, and to have a refusal heard as a refusal.
In fact, neither of the data extracts quoted earlier (Examples 3 and 4) to illustrate
the key components of refusals includes the word ‘no’. In both cases, however,
the person addressed apparently understood them to be refusals, and
responded as though the speaker were refusing the invitation. Let us look at
another example in more detail:
306 Discourse & Society 10(3)
at New School Digital Library on September 14, 2010das.sagepub.comDownloaded from
Example 5
A: If you wanted to: ‘hh you could meet me at UCB an’ I could show you some a’ the
other things on the computer,
(.)
maybe even teach you how to programme Basic or something
B: (0.6) Well I don’t know if I’d wanna get all that invo:lved, hh’hhh!
(Davidson, 1984: 108; transcription simplified)
In this extract, A’s offer to show B some things on the computer is not immediately
accepted (note the short pause ‘(.)’ which follows it). A then modifies the
invitation, offering to even teach B how to programme Basic. But still, B doesn’t
respond immediately: A’s offer is met first with a short pause, then with the word
‘well’ (the preface), and then with the statement, ‘I don’t know if I’d wanna get
all that involved’. Note that B does not say ‘no’. Nonetheless, most of us will recognize
that this is what B means – as, indeed, A does. The extract continues:
A: It’s really interesti:ng.
In other words, A ‘hears’ B as refusing (even though B hasn’t actually said the
word ‘no’), and tries to persuade B (‘it’s really interesting’): the effort to persuade
someone indicates (obviously) that you understand that they don’t want to do it,
but that you hope you can change their mind. So, B has successfully communicated
a refusal, despite not saying a direct, clear, and immediate ‘no’.1
Conversation analysis shows that this is absolutely normal: this is the way most
refusals are done, and they are heard (or, as conversation analysts say, ‘oriented
to’) as refusals in the course of ordinary conversation. (For other examples see
Davidson, 1984; Heritage, 1989; Antaki, 1994). This is even the case for parents
refusing children’s requests. In a study of over 100 request sequences transcribed
from audiotapes made in the homes of 4-year-old boys and girls in Aberdeen,
Scotland (across a range of different social class backgrounds), Wootton (1981)
found that the word ‘no’ was notably absent from many of the exchanges in
which children’s requests were refused, and that parents generally followed the
normative pattern for refusing (delay, preface, palliative, mitigated or qualified
refusal, account) which we have already identified.
So, the evidence is that people usually hear refusals without the word ‘no’
necessarily being uttered. In fact, people often respond to just one part of the
refusal sequence as signalling refusal in and of itself. For example, one of the most
potent indicators of refusal is a delay in responding. According to Davidson
(1984: 103) ‘a silence offering immediately after an invitation, offer, request or
proposal may be taken as displaying that it is possibly going to be rejected’. In fact,
a pause of two-tenths of a second seems to be taken as evidence for an invitation
rejection coming up (Levinson, 1983: 336). The following examples illustrate the
way in which speakers, having issued requests or invitations, attend to pauses (in
which their conversational partners could speak, but do not), as foreshadowing
refusals. (Remember that (.) means a pause of less than two-tenths of a second,
and longer pauses are indicated in seconds and tenths of seconds.)
Kitzinger & Frith: Just say no? The use of conversation 307
at New School Digital Library on September 14, 2010das.sagepub.comDownloaded from
Example 6
C: So I was wondering would you be in your office
on Monday (.) by any chance?
(2.0)
Probably not
(Levinson, 1983: 320)
Example 7
R: What about coming here on the way
(.)
Or doesn’t that give you enough time?
(Levinson, 1983: 335)
Example 8
C: Well you can both stay.
(0.4)
Got plenty a’ room.
(Davidson, 1984: 10; transcription simplified)
In these three examples, speakers, hearing the silences which follow their
requests or invitations, indicate that they are anticipating refusals. The third
example is interesting because the speaker attempts to forestall rejection by dealing
with what might be causing it (the belief that perhaps there isn’t enough
room for her guests). It is common to find that when people issue invitations,
offers, requests or proposals and are met with brief silences, they reformulate or
elaborate on the original invitation so as to make an acceptance more likely – as
A also does in Example 5. The very fact that these ‘subsequent versions’
(Davidson, 1984) are produced demonstrates, of course, that the initial silence
was heard as heralding a refusal. So CA indicates that a brief pause (of no more
than two-tenths of a second) following a request or invitation is often, in and of
itself, heard as implying refusal.
The production of palliatives in response to an invitation, offer or request is
also generally heard as a refusal in and of itself. In an example cited by Antaki
(1994: 81), N responds to a lunch invitation (after the short pause we know to be
typical of refusals), ‘well, you’re real sweet, hon:, uh::m’: note the preface (‘well’)
and the palliative, which in this case takes the form of a compliment. This is all N
says, but it is enough to constitute an implied refusal, as we can see from the
response of the person making the invitation: ‘or do you have something else’. If,
in everyday conversation, a simple palliative is heard as implying refusal, then
young women who respond to sexual invitations with palliatives like ‘well, I do
like you’ or ‘it’s flattering to be asked’ should likewise be heard as implying refusal
– especially if these responses are preceded by a couple of tenths of a second of
silence.
Furthermore, in ordinary, naturally occurring speech, weak agreements (such
as half hearted ‘yeah’s or ‘uh huh’s) are often heard and reacted to as if they
imply disagreement or refusal (Pomerantz, 1984). In the extract which follows, A
asks B to telephone someone tonight. Notice that B says ‘yeah’ (which sounds like
308 Discourse & Society 10(3)
at New School Digital Library on September 14, 2010das.sagepub.comDownloaded from
a – not very enthusiastic – agreement), but A (after waiting a short time, perhaps
to offer B the opportunity to say why s/he isn’t keen to make the call), reacts as
though B had said ‘no’: ‘Plea::se’, A begs.
Example 9
A: ‘hhhhh Uh will you call ‘im tuhnight for me,ϭ
B: ϭeYea:h,
( . )
A: Plea::se,
(Davidson, 1984: 113)
Here we have a ‘yes’, which is understood by the person making the request as
if it were a refusal. We can see why this is if we compare it with conversations in
which requests are accepted (see Examples 1 and 2 cited earlier): the evidence is
that acceptances (real ones – that is, ones which are understood as such by the
person making the request) occur quickly and without delay. This explains why,
in Example 9, A understands the delayed and weak ‘acceptance’ as a refusal. In
sexual situations, too, then, we might expect weak or delayed acceptances to be
heard as refusals.
In sum, refusals do not have to be – and generally are not – emphatic, direct,
and immediate ‘no’s. In ordinary conversation they are signalled by relatively
subtle cues such as pauses, palliatives, and even weak agreements. It is clear that
the word ‘no’ is not a necessary semantic component of refusals. It is not normally
necessary to say ‘no’ in order to be heard as refusing an offer or invitation – pausing,
hedging, producing a palliative, and even delayed or weak ‘acceptances’ are
typically understood as refusals in everday talk.
Conclusion and implications
To conclude, then, if we read the literature on young women’s sexual negotiation
in conjunction with the conversation analytic work on refusals, then it seems that
young women responding to unwanted sexual pressure are using absolutely
normal conversational patterns for refusals: that is, according to the research
literature (and our own data) on young women and sexual communication, they
are communicating their refusals indirectly; their refusals rarely refer to their
own lack of desire for sex and more often to external circumstances which make
sex impossible; their refusals are often qualified (‘maybe later’), and are accompanied
by compliments (‘I really like you, but . . .’) or by appreciations of the invitation
(‘it’s very flattering of you to ask, but . . .’); and sometimes they refuse sex
with the kind of ‘yes’s which are normatively understood as communicating
refusal. These features are all part of what are commonly understood to be
refusals. Yet the feminist and the date rape prevention literatures (and refusal
skills training programmes more generally) present refusals of this kind as inadequate
and insufficiently communicative. By contrast, we would suggest that
young women are communicating in ways which are usually understood to
mean refusal in other contexts and it is not the adequacy of their communication
Kitzinger & Frith: Just say no? The use of conversation 309
at New School Digital Library on September 14, 2010das.sagepub.comDownloaded from
that should be questioned, but rather their male partners’ claims not to understand
that these women are refusing sex. As conversation analyst Michael
Moerman (1988: 45) puts it:
In any society, the recurrent and systematic attainment of misunderstanding
between members of social categories who regularly converse with one another must
thus be regarded as an artful, complicit, and damning accomplishment.
The conversation analytic literature leads us to question the source of men’s
alleged failure to ‘understand’ women’s refusals.
If there is an organized and normative way of doing indirect refusal, which
provides for culturally understood ways in which (for example) ‘maybe later’
means ‘no’, then men who claim not to have understood an indirect refusal (as in,
‘she didn’t actually say no’) are claiming to be cultural dopes, and playing rather
disingenuously on how refusals are usually done and understood to be done.They
are claiming not to understand perfectly normal conversational interaction, and
to be ignorant of ways of expressing refusal which they themselves routinely use
in other areas of their lives.
While feminists have enthusiastically embraced the slogan ‘yes means yes, and
no means no’, some anti-feminists have been virulent in opposition. For example,
Gilbert (1991), criticizing the ‘radical feminist effort to impose new norms governing
intimacy between the sexes’ (p. 61) complains that ‘the awesome complexity
of human interaction is reduced to ‘“No means no”’. Conversation
analytic research (like the work on token resistance) suggests that Gilbert is right:
human conversational interaction is indeed intricately complex: ‘yes’ may sometimes
mean ‘no’, ‘no’ may sometimes mean ‘yes’, and the word ‘no’ is not necessarily
part of a refusal. What are the implications of this for feminism?
This article has argued that young women find it difficult to say ‘no’ to sex at
least partly because saying immediate clear and direct ‘no’s (to anything) is not a
normal conversational activity. Young women who do not use the word ‘no’, but
who refuse sex with delays, prefaces, palliatives and accounts are using conversational
patterns which are normatively recognized as refusals in everyday life. For
men to claim that they do not ‘understand’ such refusals to be refusals (because,
for example, they do not include the word ‘no’) is to lay claim to an astounding and
implausible ignorance of normative conversational patterns. We have suggested
that the insistence of date rape prevention (and other refusal skills) educators on
the importance of saying ‘no’ is counter-productive in that it demands that women
engage in conversationally abnormal actions which breach conventional social etiquette,
and in that it allows rapists to persist with the claim that if a woman has
not actually said ‘NO’ (in the right tone of voice, with the right body language, at
the right time) then she hasn’t refused to have sex with him.
Our analysis in this article supports the belief that the root of the problem is
not that men do not understand sexual refusals, but that they do not like them.
Confronted with a date rape education ‘no means no’ poster campaign, seeking to
disambiguate women’s refusals, nine male students at Queens University in
310 Discourse & Society 10(3)
at New School Digital Library on September 14, 2010das.sagepub.comDownloaded from
Canada responded with posters of their own including slogans such as ‘no means
kick her in the teeth’, ‘no means on your knees bitch’, ‘no means tie her up’, ‘no
means more beer’ and ‘no means she’s a dyke’ (cf. Mahood and Littlewood,
1997). Similar evidence comes from a recent study of 16-year-old boys who were
asked ‘if you wanted to have sex and your partner did not, would you try to persuade
them to have sex? How?’: the researchers comment that there was ‘clear
evidence of aggression towards girls who were not prepared to be sexually accommodating’
and quote interview extracts in which boys say that in such situations
they would ‘root the fucking bitch in the fucking arse’, ‘give her a stern talking
to’, or just ‘shove it in’ (Moore and Rosenthal, 1992, cited in Moore and
Rosenthal, 1993: 179).The problem of sexual coercion cannot be fixed by changing
the way women talk.
In the present study, CA has made clear that there are normatively understood
ways of doing refusals which are generally understood to be refusals, and consequently
we believe that there is no reason why feminists concerned about sexual
coercion should respond to men’s allegations of their ‘ambiguity’ by taking upon
ourselves the task of inventing new ways of doing refusals. As feminists, we have
allowed men (disingenuously claiming not to understand normative conversational
conventions) to set the agenda, such that we have accepted the need to
educate women to produce refusals which men cannot claim to have ‘misunderstood’.
This, in turn, has led only to an escalation of men’s claims to have ‘misunderstood’,
to be ‘misunderstood’, and, in general, to be ‘ignorant’ about
women’s (allegedly different and special) ways of communicating. Men’s selfinterested
capacity for ‘misunderstanding’ will always outstrip women’s earnest
attempts to clarify and explain.
The technical field of CA has not been attractive to feminists (but see Stokoe,
1998; Wetherell, 1998, for recent exceptions). Conversation analysis is often
viewed as nit picking, obsessively concerned with details, and as unable to see
beyond the ‘micro’ level of the 0.2-second pause to the ‘macro’ level of oppression.
It is so-called ‘critical’ discourse analysis (rather than the ethnomethodologically
rooted variety drawing on CA) which is usually seen as most likely to advance political
ideals. We hope we have illustrated here one way in which knowledge of the
details of talk in interaction can help in formulating political arguments and practical
programmes. Date rape prevention and refusal skills programmes need to be
based on empirical evidence of how refusals are actually done and understood to
be done, not on idealized prescriptions which fly in the face of cultural conventions.
Educators have lamented the alleged absence of ‘an empirical basis by which
to guide efforts to say no effectively’ (Warzak and Page, 1990: 134): the findings of
CA provide just such an empirical basis. The slogan ‘yes means yes, and no means
no’ may make a good campaign slogan, but it is neither a description of actual
human behaviour, nor a suitable prescription for dealing with the sexual coercion.
We would urge feminist researchers to consider these and other ways in which a
close attention to the details of language use in ordinary conversation may be of
broader social and political relevance.
Kitzinger & Frith: Just say no? The use of conversation 311
at New School Digital Library on September 14, 2010das.sagepub.comDownloaded from
Appendix: transcription notation
Most conversation analysts use a version of the transcription notation developed by Gail
Jefferson (for a complete description see Atkinson and Heritage, 1984). We have provided
here only what the reader needs to make sense of the extracts cited in this article.
[ indicates onset of overlapping speech
: indicates that the preceeding sound is lengthened or drawn out (more
colons indicate greater prolongation, e.g. Ah:::::)
underlining indicates emphasis
(.) pause less than 0.2 of a second
(0.3) pause, timed in tenths of a second
.hhh inbreath (more ‘h’s indicate a longer inbreath)
hhh outbreath (more ‘h’s indicate a longer outbreath)
ϭ indicates no pause between speakers; one turn runs into another with
no discernible pause
, (comma) not used as a punctuation mark, but to indicate a slightly rising
‘continuing’ intonation
N O T E S
The authors would like to thank the members of Loughborough University’s Discourse
and Rhetoric Group (especially Derek Edwards, Jonathan Potter, Mick Billig and Charles
Antaki) and Women’s Studies Research Group (especially Sue Wilkinson and Cath Benson)
for stimulating discussions which informed our writing of this article.
1. To be absolutely accurate here, we should note that we do not in fact know anything
about what B intended to communicate – and indeed B’s intentions and desires are
unknowable by, and irrelevant to, conversation analysts. Conversation analysts do not
claim to be able to use what people say to read off psychological phenomena like intentions,
desires, emotions, or other cognitions. The claim is only that A reacts to what B
says as though B were refusing the invitation, and hence that the structure of B’s
speech is the kind of structure which ordinary members of the speech community
commonly orient to as a refusal. See Edwards (1997) for a comprehensive discussion of
the relationship between talk and cognition.
R E F E R E N C E S
Antaki, C. (1994) Explaining and Arguing: The Social Organisation of Accounts. London: Sage.
Atkinson, J.M and Drew, P., eds (1979) Order in Court: The Organization of Verbal Interaction
in Judicial Settings. London: Social Sciences Research Council.
Atkinson, J.M. and Heritage, J., eds (1984) Structures of Social Action: Studies in
Conversation Analysis. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.
Boden, D. and Zimmerman, D.H. (1991) Talk and Social Structure. Cambridge: Polity Press.
Burley-Allen, M. (1983) Managing Assertively: How to Improve your People Skills. New York:
Wiley.
Button, G. and Lee, J.R., eds (1987) Talk and Social Organization. Clevedon, PA: Multilingual
Matters.
Cairns, K. (1993) ‘Sexual Entitlement and Sexual Accommodation: Male and Female
Responses to Sexual Coercion’, Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality 2: 203–14.
Cameron, D. (1995) Verbal Hygiene. London: Routledge.
312 Discourse & Society 10(3)
at New School Digital Library on September 14, 2010das.sagepub.comDownloaded from
Campbell, B.K. and Barnlund, D.C. (1977) ‘Communication Patterns and Problems of
Pregnancy’, American Journal of Orthopsychiatry 47: 134–9.
Cocoran, C. (1992) From Victim Control to Social Change: A Feminist Perspective on
Campus Rape Prevention Programmes’, in J.C. Chrisler and D. Howard (eds) New
Directions in Feminist Psychology: Practice, Theory and Research. New York: Springer.
Coudert, J. (1993) ‘Nice Ways to Say No’, Readers Digest, (Feb.): 56–8.
Crombie, A.B. (1994) The Art of Saying No: Creative Escapology. London: Golden Rule
Publications.
Cvetkovitch, G., Grote, B., Lieverman, E.S. and Miller, W. (1978) ‘Sex Role Development
and Teenage Fertility-Related Behavior’, Adolescence 8: 231–6.
Davidson, J. (1984) ‘Subsequent Versions of Invitations, Offers, Requests, and Proposals
Dealing with Potential or Actual Rejection’, in J.M. Atkinson and J. Heritage (eds)
Structures of Social Action: Studies in Conversation Analysis, pp. 102–28. Cambridge:
Cambridge University Press.
Drew, P. (1984) ‘Speakers’ Reportings in Invitation Sequences’, in J.M. Atkinson and J.
Heritage (eds) Structures of Social Action: Studies in Conversation Analysis, pp. 129–51.
Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.
Drew, P. and Heritage, J. (1992) ‘Analyzing Talk at Work: An Introduction’, in P. Drew and
J. Heritage (eds) Talk at Work. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.
Driscoll, M. and Greig, G. (1994) ‘The Art of Saying No’, Sunday Times (2 May): 24.
Duncombe, J. and Marsden, D. (1993) ‘Love and Intimacy:The Gender Division of Emotion
and Emotion Work: A Neglected Aspect of Sociological Discussion of Heterosexual
Relationships’, Sociology 27(2): 221–41.
Duncombe, J. and Marsden, D. (1996) ‘Whose Orgasm is this Anyway? “Sex work” in Long
Term Heterosexual Couple Relationships’, in J. Weeks and J. Holland (eds) Sexual
Cultures: Communities, Values and Intimacy. London: Macmillan Press.
Edwards, D. (1997) Discourse and Cognition. London: Sage.
Edwards, D. and Potter, J. (1992) Discursive Psychology. London: Sage.
Ehrlich, S. (1998) ‘The Discursive Reconstruction of Sexual Consent’, Discourse & Society
9(2): 149–71.
Fensterheim, H. and Baer, J. (1975) Don’t Say Yes When You Want to Say No. New York:
David McKay.
Frith, H. (1997) Young Women Refusing Sex: The Epistemological Adventures of a Feminist,
unpublished PhD thesis, Loughborough University, UK.
Frith, H. and Kitzinger, C. (1997) ‘Talk about Sexual Miscommunication’, Women’s Studies
International Forum 20(4): 517–28.
Frith, H. and Kitzinger, C. (1998) ‘“Emotion Work” as a Participant Resource: A Feminist
Analysis of Young Women’s Talk-in-Interaction’, Sociology 32: 299–320.
Gervasio, A.H. and Crawford, M. (1989) ‘Social Evaluations of Assertiveness: A Critique
and Speech Act Reformulation’, Psychology of Women Quarterly, 13: 1–25.
Gilbert, N. (1991) ‘The Phantom Epidemic of Sexual Assault’, The Public Interest 103:
54–65.
Goodchilds, J.G., Zellman, G.L., Johnson, P.B. and Giarrusso, R. (1988) ‘Adolescents and
their Perceptions of Sexual Interactions’, in A.W. Burgess (ed.) Rape and Sexual Assault.
New York: Garland.
Heritage, J. (1984) Garfinkel and Ethnomethodology. Cambridge: Polity Press.
Heritage, J. (1989) ‘Current Developments in Conversation Analysis’, in D. Roger and P.
Bull (eds) Conversation: An Interdisciplinary Perspective. Clevedon, PA: Multilingual
Matters.
Kitzinger & Frith: Just say no? The use of conversation 313
at New School Digital Library on September 14, 2010das.sagepub.comDownloaded from
Howard, M. (1985a) ‘How the Family Physician can Help Young Teenagers Postpone
Sexual Involvement’, Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality 19: 76–87.
Howard, M. (1985b) ‘Postponing Sexual Involvement Among Adolescents: An Alternative
Approach to Prevention of Sexual Transmitted Diseases’, Journal of Adolescent Health
Care 6: 271–7.
Howard, M. and McCabe, J.B. (1990) ‘Helping Teenagers Postpone Sexual Involvement’,
Family Planning Perspectives 22: 21–6.
Hutchby, I. and Wooffitt, R. (1998) Conversation Analysis: Principles, Practices and
Applications. Cambridge: Polity Press.
Jefferson, G. (1984) ‘Notes on a Systematic Deployment of the Acknowledgement Tokens
“Yeah” and “mm hm”’, Papers in Linguistics 17: 197–216.
Kidder, L.H., Boell, J.L. and Moyer, M.M. (1983) ‘Rights Consciousness and Victimization
Prevention: Personal Defence and Assertiveness Training’, Journal of Social Issues 39:
155–70.
Kitzinger, C. (1998) ‘Expertise vs Commonsense: Theory and Rhetoric in Editorial
Discourse’, Discourse & Society 9(1): 143–6.
Krueger, R.A. (1988) Focus Groups: A Practical Guide for Applied Research. Newbury Park,
CA: Sage.
Labov, W. and Fanshel, D. (1977) Therapeutic Discourse. New York: Academic Press.
Levinson, S.C. (1983) Pragmatics. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.
McConnch, S. (1990) Assertiveness: A Personal Skills Course for Young People. Basingstoke:
Macmillan Education.
Mahood, L. and Littlewood, B. (1997) ‘Daughters in Danger: The Case of “Campus Sex
Crimes”’, in A.M. Thomas and C. Kitzinger (eds) Sexual Harassment: Contemporary
Feminist Perspectives, pp. 172–87. Milton Keynes: Open University Press.
Martin, J. (1982) Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior. NewYork: Atheneum.
Moerman, M. (1998) Talking Culture: Ethnography and Conversation Analysis. Philadelphia:
University of Pennsylvania Press.
Moore, S. and Rosenthal, D. (1992) ‘The Social Context of Adolescent Sexuality: Safe Sex
Implications’, Journal of Adolescence 15: 415–35.
Moore, S. and Rosenthal, D. (1993) Sexuality in Adolescence. London: Routledge.
Morgan, D.L. (1988) Focus Groups as Qualitative Research. [Sage University Papers,
Qualitative Research Methods Series, No. 16]. London: Sage.
Morgan, D.L. (1996) ‘Focus Groups’, Annual Review of Sociology 22: 129–52.
Morgan, D.L. and Krueger, R.A. (1993) ‘When to Use Focus Groups and Why’, In D.L.
Morgan (ed.) Successful Focus Groups: Advancing the State of the Art, pp. 3–19. Newbury
Park, CA: Sage.
Muehlenhard, C.L. and Cook, S.W. (1988) ‘Men’s Self Reports of Unwanted Sexual
Activity’, Journal of Sex Research 24: 58–72.
Muehlenhard, C.L. and Hollabaugh, L.C. (1988) ‘Do Women Sometimes Say No When
they Mean Yes? The Prevalence and Correlates of Women’s Token Resistance to Sex’,
Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 54: 872–9.
Muehlenhard, C.L. and McCoy, M.L. (1991) ‘Double Standards/Double Bind: The Sexual
Double Standard and Women’s Communication about Sex’, Psychology of Women
Quarterly 15: 447–61.
Muehlenhard, C., Julsonnet, S., Carson, M. and Falrity-White, L.A. (1989) ‘A CognitiveBehavioral
Programme for Preventing Sexual Coercion’, Behavior Therapist 12:
211–14.
Murnen, S.K., Perot, A. & Byrne, D. (1989) ‘Coping with Unwanted Sexual Activity:
314 Discourse & Society 10(3)
at New School Digital Library on September 14, 2010das.sagepub.comDownloaded from
Normative Responses, Situation Determinants, and Individual Differences’, Journal of
Sex Research 26: 85–106.
Nofsinger, R.E. (1991) Everyday Conversation. London: Sage.
Phelps, S. and Austin, N. (1987) The Assertive Woman, 2nd edn. San Luis, CA: Impact
Publishers.
Pomerantz, A.M. (1984) ‘Agreeing and Disagreeing with Assessments: Some Features of
Preferred/Dispreferred Turn Shapes’, in J.M. Atkinson and J. Heritage (eds) Structures of
Social Action: Studies in Conversation Analysis’, pp. 102–28. Cambridge: Cambridge
University Press.
Potter, J. and Wetherell, M. (1987) Discourse and Social Psychology. London: Sage.
Psathas, G. (1995) Conversation Analysis. London: Sage.
Psathas, G. and Anderson, T. (1990) ‘The “Practices” of Transcription in Conversation
Analysis’, Semiotica 78: 75–99.
Quinn, K., Sanchex-Hucles, J., Coates, G. and Gillen, B. (1991) ‘Men’s Compliance with a
Woman’s Resistance to Unwanted Sexual Advances’, Journal of Offender Rehabilitation
17: 13–31.
Sacks, H. (1995) Lectures on Conversation: Volumes I and II, ed. by Gail Jefferson. Oxford:
Blackwell.
Sandler, A.D., Watson, T.E. and Levine, M.D (1992) ‘A Study of the Cognitive Aspects of
Sexual Decision Making in Adolescent Females’, Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics
13: 202–7.
Smith, B.T. and Burns, L.G. (1996) The Little Book of Romantic Lies. Newbury Park, CA:
CCC Publications.
Smith, M.J. (1975) When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. New York: Dial Press.
Sprecher, S., Hatfield, E., Cortese, A., Potapova, E. and Levitskaya, A. (1994) ‘Token
Resistance to Sexual Intercourse and Consent to Unwanted Sexual Intercourse’, Journal
of Sex Research 31: 125–32.
Stere, L.K. (1985) ‘Feminist Assertiveness Training: Self-Esteem Groups as Skill Training
for Women’. in L.B. Rosewater and L.G.A. Walker (eds) Handbook of Feminist Theory.
New York: Springer.
Stokoe, E.H. (1998) ‘Talking about Gender: The Conversational Construction of Gender
Categories in Academic Discourse’, Discourse & Society 9(2): 217–40.
Stubbs, D.R. (1986) Assertiveness at Work: A Necessary Guide to an Essential Skill. London:
Pan.
Tannen, D. (1991) You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation. London:
Virago.
Turner, J.S. and Rubinson, L. (1993) Contemporary Human Sexuality. Englewood Cliffs,
NJ: Prentice Hall.
Warzak, W.J. and Page, T.J. (1990) ‘Teaching Refusal Skills to Sexually Active Adolescents’,
Journal of Behavioral Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry 21: 133–9.
Warzak, W.J., Grow, C.R., Poler, M.M. and Walburn, J.N. (1995) ‘Enhancing Refusal Skills:
Identifying Contexts that Place Adolescents at Risk for Unwanted Sexual Activity’,
Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics 16: 98–100.
Wetherell, M. (1998) ‘Positioning and Interpretative Repertoires: Conversation Analysis
and Post-Structuralism in Dialogue’, Discourse & Society 9(3): 387–412.
Wilkinson, S. (1999) ‘Focus Groups: A Feminist Method’, Psychology of Women Quarterly.
Special issue on innovative methods (ed. M. Crawford and E. Kimmel) 23(2): 221–44.
Wiseman, R. (1994) Defending Ourselves: A Guide to Prevention, Self-Defense, and Recovery
from Rape. New York: Farrar, Straus & Giroux.
Kitzinger & Frith: Just say no? The use of conversation 315
at New School Digital Library on September 14, 2010das.sagepub.comDownloaded from
Wootton, A.J. (1981) ‘The Management of Grantings and Rejections by Parents in a
Request Sequence’, Semiotica 37: 59–89.
C E L I A K I T Z I N G E R is a Reader in Lesbian and Feminist Psychology in the Department of
Social Sciences at Loughborough University. She is a member of both the Women’s Studies
Research Group, and the Discourse and Rhetoric Group. Her previous publications include
The Social Construction of Lesbianism (Sage, 1987); Changing Our Minds: Lesbian Feminism
and Psychology (with Rachel Perkins, New York University Press, 1993); and the edited
collections Heterosexuality (Sage, 1993); Feminism and Discourse (Sage, 1995); and
Representing the Other (Sage, 1996) (all with Sue Wilkinson). A D D R E S S : Department of
Social Sciences, Loughborough University, Loughborough, LE11 3TU, UK.
[email: C.C.Kitzinger@lboro.ac.uk]
H A N NA H F R I T H teaches social psychology, feminist psychology, and research methods in
the Psychology Department at the University of the West of England. This research was
conducted as part of her doctoral research (supervised by the first author) in the
Department of Social Sciences at Loughborough University. A D D R E S S : Psychology
Department, University of the West of England, St Matthias Campus, Oldbury Court Road,
Fishponds, Bristol BS16 2JP, UK.
316 Discourse & Society 10(3)
at New School Digital Library on September 14, 2010das.sagepub.comDownloaded from