I The Czechs' Bouncing Tool Worship The Czechs.'■ says Linglish kabkdisl Z'cv hen Shi-mon Halcvi. "have always worshipped three things: women, foodr and God - in that order." Anyone who h;j.s made more than a passing acquaintance wiLh me Czechs will surely recognise dm to be u very accurate observation. As they grow older and wiser, however, the Czechs restructure (heir worship priorities in reverse order: food, women, and God. Czech woni^n, on Ihc other hand, somehow miraculously manage lo make their male chauvinist pigs believe that ihcy worship one thing, and one thing alone: (hem. Which may explain why post-communist Prague has become the home of some thiny thousand young horny and affection-starved American males. And let's face n. boys Where else do you 11 nd a beautifully feminine, gentle, sexy and caring female with a university degree who takes you lovingly into her home, gives you breakfast in bed* irons your shirts, goes off to work smartly dressed, comes home to you cheerful and unaffected by stress, cooks you dinner, massages you from head to toe, bonks you blind, blows you back up for another round when you thought you were finished for a week, docs not get tired, does not fake orgasm, keeps telling you how wonderful you are, and does not want to change you - and manages to he all that on an average income of 200 dollars a month? Flevible history It is often said that nations, their characteristics, temperaments, aspirations, and degrees of success or failure, urc the result of their history1. It is, in fact, the other way around. Most nations'1 histories consist part- ly of legends and myth*, partly of biased interpret ion of some actually documented and some putative historical events, but mainly of a current consensus to view the collective past in a way which would assist in the creation of a particular model of the future. History has always been the result of people's decisions about uciions to be taken. Those, in mm. .ire determined by the Image people have of their past ai the time they are deciding. Rewriting history to one's image in order lo change one's fuiurc is a legitimate tool of national survival. This is something of which Ihc Czechs should be particularly well aware, having in one lifetime come to see and accept themselves variously as: a) the economic backbone of the Austro-Hungarian Empire without whose protection, however, they would not have been able to survive ((hey did). hi exemplary Western-style democrats of great strategic value to the great democracies of ihc West rdiichcd), c) a bridge between East and West (walked over), d) humanist socialists who would adapt \l:ir\ism to democratic European traditions (for a couple of years prior and a couple of hours following peaceful power hand-over to communists)* e) socialists, with a human face (a large basketful of eggs thrown into it), f) the most enterprising ,uul westernised of the ex-.....iiunist nations {one side of die current post-com- munist image's coin)* and g) wishy-washy morally hpiH and corrupt aril til dodgers (the other side of the current posi-communist image's coin). This book looks at some of the Czechs" historical myths and legends and the type of events ihcy prccipi- l l tatcd. It tries to debunk some of (he myths Czechs live by unconsciously or unwillingly as they approach I he (urn of the millennium. And il looks at other possible interpretations of the myths, which could produce different results. Just in case the Czechs should decide one day thai different results an? what they want. At no point docs the hook pretend it is presenting an accurate or even reasonably approximate account of historical events. It contents itself with being as biased as every other view of Czech history has been so far and is ever likely to be. The purpose of this particular bias is not to assist Czechs in creating a particular type of future. Nor is it to assist others in viewing the Czechs in a friendlier (or more hostile) manner than they would otherwise. The single purpose of this hook is to squeeze some diama and fun out of what has always been presented to the Czechs themselves as so dull and uninteresting that ii comes us no surprise or embarrassment to them that ihey know less of their history than English husi-tiessnien ;ind engineers who are trying to expiate I'm Munich by attempting to do straight and fair business with Czech companies and officials in coiiipciumn with the shrewder and more knowing-whom-to-bribe Germans. True, the dullness of their history may have been deliberately deviled by various oLcupynig pnwers. with a defined purpose; To obliterate die nation's self-respect and awareness of its political importance, spiritual and round strength, military prowess, cultural achievement, economic skills, and sense of glory. But it cuts to deep into the Czech psyche thai turning it around might take more than one generation of sustained material success, national chutzpah, and an occasional friendly nudge from the established good and great. Whoever decides to do some of the friendly nudging will benefit scvcralfold, for Czechs like to go i: out of their way to please those who have been good to them, and even those who they think might be •*« The invincible consonant An early health warning: If von think you can ever come to grips with a people who can converse without vowels, you have another think coming. The bonk you had a few pages back is called mrd. Which is jusl one of about thirty words the Czechs have for love-making, depending on the way it is done, speed and duration, the attitude with which it is approached, state of mind, and depth of emotional involvement. A mrd would be a hearty down to earth, athletic rather than tender, with full abandon and lot of yelling, no-nonsense and let's-get-on-with-it approach, not worrying too much about emotional depth of involvement but mutually satisfying, ending in healthy fatigue and a good night's sleep, Anolhei one would he hrk, which is a giggly friend ly <|uickie with someone you are familiar enough with not to have to waste time on forcplay every time. A drb is an uninvolvcd, absent-minded, cynical and loveless act, taking no account of your partner's feelings. mih of rahhit-likc. All other ways have some vowels, as an expression of something smoother, rounder, gentler, slower, longer, more thoughtful, or more delicious. If you cannot tell one way from another, you arc a bib, which is the most frequent Czech word for idiot. If you were not an idiot before but have just become one, the verb participle would be zblbl. The male organ used for the hrk is a brk, and the jerky motion in which it is done is a strk. The finger used 1 * for the fnrcplay wjih is prst, and the breast it started cm was prs. If you were moved to ecstasy, your eyes could weep with a lot of siz, and you could be proud of yourself — or hrd. The forest you did y in was a brd. and the pebbles on the beech were drf. The gulp of beer you had afterwards wets hUr and if you have just gulped some, i/iiil is what you have done in Czech. A very hcany Mr is a gig. and the belch which follows it is Ark. Krk is also the throat down which you poured your beer, while smrl is the death you die if someone throttles you or gives you a Art The same Art CM also mean deletion or budget cut, if ilnt's ulini you prefer, II vi-ii-i-. iiu- v.:r-ii-, i.i Ii.'slkc: I.UC Vi:U by -.tiI.is!...... some water over you, he would give you a cAr.tr And what i.-n- rnun win* splasbed the water inio your face did wu vchryii. Are you sure you still want to get to know these extra* terrestrials? Bourvce-back The way nations behave is directly related to the way they view themselves and their history. Similarly, the way in which they are behaved towards is related to the way in which I bey and their history arc viewed by their neighbours* That in turn depends on how they allow their neighbours to view them and tie;it them. No one with a modicum of historical awuicncss could have failed to notice the dramatic change in the psyche of the lethargic Brits following Churchill's "blood, sweat, and tears", Or in the survival determination of the Jews following the new Stale of Israel's proclamation "never again a Jew murdered with impunity for being a Jew". [r> a nutshell - a nation is what a decisive majority of its members is determined to be. The absence of a clear determination to he attyihing cleaily identifiable and worth defending, and the absence of historical myitis which would give such determination the necessary psychological back-up, is a gumunieud recipe for a nation's demise from history, its absorption into another more determined neighbouring nation, and cultural and political, if not physical, annihilation. The Czechs have been on the verge of il several times. The very fact they are still around today - after even the omniscient Karl Marx predicted their disap-pcarance by ibe end of the nineteenth century — indicates a resilience, a bounce-back, pick-up, and dust-off power which scums 10 emerge out of nowhere to everyone's surprise- each fin^c it docs. Reichsprolekior Rcinhard Heydrich. when briefing his Prague geslapo chiefs, is quoted as warning them mat while Poles and Yugoslavs were tou^h and stiff and easily broken by a strong cnoujjh force, the Czechs were spineless flexible twigs that bent down under pressure, only lo Lash back when least expected. Right he was, too, and off he went with the least expected lashhack by a couple of London-run Czech paratroopers at a time when Czech resistance seemed pa dried by an extra tin of sardines for a good day's work in their arms and ammunition factories. In IW3, with Slovakia going its own proud Lf somewhat precarious way, the Czechs were given a unique opportunity - for the first tiim.: in ovci live centuries - to find out who they are and work out who they want to l>e - on ihcir own. What they find out, and what they work out. will depend to a decisive I I degree on which of their historical myths ihcy decide lo dig oul. enlarge, pin up, and live by. 44* The milky ftOAt The lukewarm altitude most Czechs have to their own religion - insofar as (licy can he bothered to adhere lo one - could explain why religious differences figure so low on the scale of the Czechs" prejudices. Ear more interesting - and right at the top - i.\ envy of anyone else's success. No significant religiously motivated hostilities have lurncd Czech against Czech since the Thirty Year War. Bui deeply ingrained dislike and profound mistrust of anyone who has done even a notch bctier was no doubt the decisive factor that threw this otherwise profoundly democratic, humanist, individualist, and not readily hoodwinkablc people into ihc communist embrace for two generations. It is what motivates another generation of fledgling capitalists to settle iheir Itusniess disputes through hired a.ss.as-sins dumping eomfjetitors into lakes with iron shihs chained to their mvk^ Or chopping them up und marinating them in brine-filled casks. To mention just two of the more sophist n -atcd and increasingly popular well-documented business stiuiep.ie.s All these are not much more than ;in ever so slightly amplified version of a traditional Czech joke, which goes like this: A fairy-tale old magician appears to a Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Czech, with an offer to fulfill fin each of them one secret wish. The ]Tcnchmj.n rc calls recently meeting a most attractive woman engaged lo a former schoolmate of his. His wish is in have her lor just one night before she marries his schoolmate. The English- 16 man asks for a replica of Lord Bmndeshurv's ivory p'|ic, nuking sure His Lordship should iciain his original for cveryone lo notice both. The Czech mentions a vciy healthy-looking and mtlk-nch goat owned by his next door neighbour. "You want one just like his'.-1" asks the magician. "No. sir." replies the Czech. "I want his goat to drop dead." Sot even greed and envy can motivate Czechs lo sur-tender to the evil forces of Mammon. •*« Few nations spend so much lime and intellectual energy brooding on their national characteristics, purpose, role, destiny, meaning of existence, image, and self-image, as do the Czechs. Few nations brooding about their existence arc so consistently wrong in their conclusions. And probably no nation in recorded history has vi. •■■■I.-,I 11self so much more harshly than it is viewed by others. To a detached hut concerned observer, the Czechs' persislcnt self-reflection looks like self-r.jjtcnation. And yet, there arc 100 many Czechs - • .inn'ii:' intellectual* who helicve the> have had nowhere near enough flogging yet. Foremost among the national (loggers are Czech journalists who have a particular flair for uncovering some obnoxious national vice or other behind every mistake or misdeed committed by just about anyone from government officials, parliament members, .ind representatives of all levels of officialdom, to members of opposition, ex-communists (rqicntcd or die-hard), ex-dissidents (promoted to officialdom or consigned to oblivion), cx-non-communist-nun-dissidents, drivers, pedestrians, orchestra musicians, ex-theatre-goers tur- 17 ned ttlevision-gogglers, readers of a particular newspaper, non-readers of a particular newspaper, and — above all - other journalists. No wonder Ihe Czech Prime Mi-nister puNicly reviles journalists as the most detestable lirecd of (HJOple ever lo walk this- planei. ■'With people like us, he having as wC do* we cannot ever dream of being accepted by Europe, nor do we deserve to" - is ;i popular flog in the Czech intellectuals' repertory, and the most JikeJy one to he heeded when alt mini ih>gs have failed. By the time Europe dij.jii.lij.-. id embrace the Czechs — which ex pens buliuv*.-is likely to be seriously contemplated, as oppo.sud n> i.jvi hl:ilihiiu-:l jhcun. jriumii the ■.■ii . 1Hii ilk-Czechs will have surely flogged theruseIves inlo being more European than the Europeans. Whether they can be expected to stop flogging themselves (hen is smother matter* one Europe should seriously ponder before taking them in without first introducing some anti-sell-Hogging directives. There is, however, a redeeming feature to Czech flagellation. Unlike the Poles - whose historic mission is to flog themselves for Europe, or the Russians — who Hoc themselves (and the odd neighbour or two) for mankind's salvation, (he Czechs do most of their flogging for ihe sheer hell of it, +■++ Wjsdom of inadequacy The characteristics of every nation — be they homespun or externally perceived - are always a mix of positive and negative features. The. only exception are the Americans, who have no home-spun negative feamies whatsoever. Winch explains why ihey ait: so deeply hived wherever they go. What a home-spun image sees us posirive may be seen as negative by outsiders, and vice versa. Nations may even be split into bellicose camps who regard the utile feature as positive and negative respectively. Whatever other disagreements they might have. Czechs are remarkably united in regarding themselves is the most inadequate and undeserving Lot on this planet one day. and exceptionally enlightened bearers of state-oi-lhe-an wisdom to the world if only the world would care lo listen on another day. This wondertul Mend becomes more appreciable once we notice that ihe inadequate lo( are always all Czechs except us, while the wisdom-bearers are always us rather than the other Czechs. Unless, of course, the other Czechs are inadequate wisdom-bearers and, as such, a national embarrassment no matter how popular ihey may he abroad. The Czech intellectual elite has always had a recognisable tendency lo elevate inadequacy to a national virtue. and even regard il as l\m nation's s|>eeifie urength with which "the adequate" can be outsmarted and overpowered — and if not that, then surely at least outnumbered. This applies particularly during ihe rule of morally -njcceptable regimes when —to uuote a famous Czech OMncdy actor — "it is immoral to pursue a .successful career under an immoral regime". Since mosi Czechs bavc always regarded most of their governments as :mrriftiaL they tend to view as crooked anyone wlm fucceeds at anything at just about any time. One thing that docs not seem to have occurred to the Czechs when trying to live up to the famous comedy actor's adage was n> jximki how he could have become ■ famous comedy actor without pursuing a successful career. But taking the iriiekv out of nations, is what co-■edy actors arc here for. So. of course, are politicians, ■Ht of whom, if sincerely questioned, would admit iy that deep down they really arc frusirated comedians. Czechs don'l exert adequate effort xo replace their immoral governments with ones that might be more moral because they believe that the alternative would he at least as had and probably worse. The lo^.iu is that no morally clean politician can ever be adequate, lor in order to gain adequate political experience and skills, he would have had to pursue a successful career undtn .in immoral re^irviu. urul could iheretorc nol be morally clean if he had found it appropriate to do so. If u morally clean person docs, by some stroke of luck, succeed to a position of power, he will be suspected ot having made some immoral pact with the immoral, or at best, of being manipulated by the immoral into fooling the public that iheie might be something moral going on after all. and must therefore be quite thick - ur at best inadequate (i.e. one of us) - yet another national embanks men t. Even if he is found to have been morally clean before he took office, he will have become unclean by the time the findings arc completed, + 4 + The art of embarrassment Emhamissmenl is one the Czechs' favourite liu figures making Ufbole* of themselves abroad and being an embarrassment to the nation. And so the an of embarrassment nourishes. How ihc Slovak*; could have ever made any sense out of living with ihe Czechs is a mystery worth serious historical and psychological analysis. They probably need years of psychotherapy to recover. Even more mysterious - lo [he point of being a case for psychiatrists - is why Sudeten Germans, having for two generations been 50 blissfully free of the Czechs, should now want u< icium [d ■ot too surnuLULs activity, pleasant nvci.ill atmosphere. Avencc of strife, effort or pain, an undisl urlicd pastoral idyll- It means a stale of affairs which involves mi need in lake risks or face challenges, be disturbed by new or un(amiliar things, have lo deal wiih dangers or shortages. This does no! make Czechs a very adventurous people. It makes them an inventive and purposefully creative if sometimes irrilutingly procrastinating lot, slowly but steadily and reliably working their way out of discomfort towards the greatest possible com-foil thai h>i>k\ achievable, while eschewing any discomfort on the way. Thus, they may sometimes satisfy themselves with medium comfort if the achievement of a greater comfort involves — or even is perceived to involve - ion much discomfort. The flagellants like to call this "wallowing in mediocrity"- But it was to his beloved Czechs thai Bruce Lock-hart broadcast fmm London in J 948; "A country which prefers comfort and tranquility to freedom will lose its freedom and with it, ironically, its comfort and tranquility as well." As someone who tries to avoid physical pain at all cost, a Czech cannot easily be motivated to iniliet physical pam even an his worst enemies. Slow, gradual, und hardly riLiticeablc mental torture, frequently masked a>- uuniftni. is always considered the better option in his hierarchy of weapons. PtihrHt* is also the state of mind in which Czechs like to do their work, provide a service, do a favour. If they are satisfied that what you are asking them to do can he done easily and without much risk of failure, they will tell you rhey can do it "v pohodi". This means literally in ecunlort. though a irmre accurate translation wimld probably be die mure colloquial "no sweat". The somewhat earthier Moravians with ilicit more florid, kincsthctieally and oJfactorily opulent usage of the Czech language, would perform an easy task for you not just in comfort, not even just standing on their head*, but with both hands in their arscholc. Mote on them later, t. v *. Alheism and ideological indifference Aa unstoppable flood of Czechs returning to the Catholic faith was expected by the Church and its devout believers after the collapse of communism. Naively, as it turned out. The nation was believed to be yearning ■ ■ :r; Church's guiding hand following forty years of godless tyranny, Naively again. They were, after all, soil believed to be at least seventy five percent Catholic a* they had been registered before communism •oofc power and forced everyone who wanted to hang on to a decent job to declare himself officially "of no Mb"- For the sake of comfort, most did. To those few who didn't, various degrees of discomfort were meted out - from nojoh promotion if they were professionally indispensable 10 landing in labour camps if Uiey weren't, and every imaginable degree in between. The Church's hopes went awry when all (Im-r avu wedly Christian parties together failed to get even ten ■■Rent of the nation's vote in the first election, in spi-ic of the plainly visible fact that none of the other par* oes declared themselves even knowledgeable, let alo-■e supportive, of anything that might smack of religious values. A relurn (if strayed sheep to the Church's flock failed to take place- The O.cchs obvio-v»ly did not feel convinced that organised religion was .-.:>•.c .'1. .'i -_-•_-11 ir teres I eel n. pmvidiiis' num: _■ -1 fori, and decided to do without ideologies altogether and be guided solely by the most humane of ethics -desire for their own comfort. For this, the post-com-■kunist government was perceived to provide the best framework In every survey since then, Czeehs have ft- 24 gurcd as statistically the least religious nation in Europe. lb,- reason for this could prohahly be found in their history, during which they were forced lo switch iden-logical allegiances time and lime again, always for the same single reason: lo avoid discomfort. C^cch ideological :tnd religious hisiory in a nutshell goes as follows: /. Celts arid pagans Celtic Christianity of St. Patrick's mission from Ireland some time in the fith century, among whit was at ihe time probably still a fairly mixed population of Celts and Slav-speaking Moravians, with a smattering of some Germanic tribes. No record of St. Patrick's local liturgy or literature. No practicing survivors, though some may have emigrated to Ireland since. This meek religion tries to compete with the then popular Czech pagan rite of virile gods like Rodegasl (now a popular beer) who ihunder down the mountain slopes rn mate and make merry with ihe local oh ever-so* lovely maidens. 2. Slav Christian* Moravian Greco-Slav rite in the 9lh century, wiih Slav liturgy and hits of Bible translations. Some texts and the alphabet extant for siudents of Slavonic studies. Practicing survivors pushed eastward to sei up what is to become the Russian Orthodox Church, never quite relinquishing their right to return to (heir cradle, in tanks if need he. J. Rttmurt rite over Slav Conversion to the Roman Catholic rite in the 10th century, largely carried nui by neighbouring German missionaries at the inviiaiion or Wcnceslas, the legendary Prince (not King, for the Czuchs were only a principality at the time), about whom it is still difficult to deci- de whether he was an enlightened civiliser or a cowardly quisling. 4. Czech Prrxrxltinli.im _ibrt ik id f.'/ci-li national lei vein Protestantism lb lowing Ihe 1415 burning of popular Prague hippy preacher Jan Hus. who had the outrageous idea of letting - .-..-v.' i i:yan:-, read the líihie 111 lllťii iwh lnripiii/.c, and had himself provided some of the translation. One of ihe few greai legends of Czech military prowess run by a brilliant strategist, ihe furious one-eyed south Bohemian squire Jan Žižka. His peasant armies defeat several crusades and keep chasing ihein all the way across Germany for fifteen years running, burning the odd cathedral or iwo in passing, and spreading the "wine for everyone, cheers" message to the local swn-to-become Lutherans. Tinder the banner of the chalice, the Hussites' multi-vocal rendering of "God's Warriors", top of the pops of the day (conveniently used by later Czech composers as an expression of patriotic mood calculated to move Czechs to tears), appeared to have the game effect on Ihe invading crusaders as the Cock-■ey war-stopper mono-tcsticled Hitler song must have ted on ihe average German soldier's fighting spirit when ihe Brits marched in behind the bagpipes, sin-n ng: 7 'ler 'at tiiiiy go' one bait. Ooerin' s 'go' t**>t> bu' very smalt, 'tmter 'a k"' .tutunfin' sitttlarr and poor at' Coeballs 'as no trails a' all. 5. PrOfestani tolerance Religious toleration law under King George lJiri} Poděbrad in (he mid-1400s, legislating tolerance of Catholics by the then estimated fiSífc Protestant population, as second best lo a failed attempt at establishing Mk outright Protestant kingdom. For his tolerance of a subversive Catholic minority. George is rewarded with Ihe title of heretic by the Catholic Church. Crusa- Z(. 27 dcs move on the Czechs again, with active participation of the Hungarians who, having already taken the oh. cver-so-lovcly women of Slovakia, are now after the oh, cvcr-s.iv1 Lively women of Moravia and Silesia, which they occupy for one year before being driven back again by Czech military prowess, only to re-occupy them again a few years later, while losing their own land to the lurks, almost causing Central Europe to l>e converted to Islam by fire and sword. rt, Enter the Habshut^.i Czech Kingdom - which still incorporates the whole of Silesia - confederates with Austria and Hungary in 1526 in a joint elTorl to drive the Turki1 out of central Europe Austrian Habshuig kinj;s promptly seize the opportunity lo take the Czechs over by marrying onto (heir throne, thus becoming their hereditary kings. More Catholic pressure follows, as the Au.s-irians slowly but steadily turn their erstwhile confederate partner into an Austrian-run province, with gerrnanisa-tton slowly creeping in. 7. Protestant defeat Defeat of Protestants (mainly Czech but some Germans) hy Catholic (international motley but some Czechs) armies at the White Mountain (Bfla Hora) in 1620. This triggers off thirty years of bloody warfare in which the population of the Czech kingdom is halved, its educated Protestant classes tailed - some all the way to England and America to become known as the Moravian Brethren. The remaining decimated and by now predominantly peasant population is promptly and comfortably re-catholicised. 8. Funt nt'COtfrolicisatian A brave attempt by Protestant Sweden, prompted by exiled Czech Protestants, to liberate the Czech king- 28 Catholic rule and return power to the Pro-with fierce resistance from the by now catholicised Czechs who forgot their two oi glorious Protestantism in a lew years, and undcrstamlably peeved, the rctiea-*£■ iuji m plunder and steal whatever they the way home, including the indigenous Czech or physician - lékař, turned into iekttrr, for ■try have failed to come up with their own mdi-aJicmauvc to this day. 9. Everyone is a Catholic When bonfires of hooks si art burning in Czech towns aaaal vifafCS, the comfort-loving country folk realise aac Church is no joke. Not wanting to become fiie lod écr themselves, they sctdc into a cozy, comfortable, oaddlv homey, undisturbed soft and sweet version of kapc-bummed little angels, hainuuc Catholicism is as far removed from ibe Austro-Gcrman siry as the soft Portuguese baroque is from the Spanish one, Underneath the surface of devout Catholicism m miners j tnlk revival oi jilil-.ui piuis in ■a« form ol fairies, mermaids, and gnomes in what be-«eaam one of the richest fairy tale traditions in Europe II—itanising the devil into a chummy cuddly innocent harmless little man who can't even scare children, and carving funny little statute of him. is one of the Czechs1 n.iii>'lns cockasnooks at the Church, with ■*a»-h they just about get away short of being burned a* taianists. Jft. Language revival By late 1 Hth century, Czech - once u language ol rich usance literature and Bible translation - is al-dead and has to be painstakingly reconstructed and historians who mm ni. maybe Another twenty years on, the erstwhile young cnihu-:ic persecutors of their less enthusiastic peers turn ■keir middle-aged unwavering enthusiasm lo ihe fuiilc effort of plaMciini- a sloppily designed phantom hu- 31 months later, the> are Awl by Ok puzxie 01 how come (heir persecuted peen are not welcoming and hacking iliem when ihey thcrmcl^cs arc jcining the ranks of the persecuted, following the arrival ol true socialism's face in Russian tanks. 16. Vetvel-pttMut A further twenty five veins, on, live years after com munist power structures "velvetly" collapse around the Czechs, not a single communist has been brought to account for the forty years of creeping and all-pervasive miseiy intlutcd on the nation, and the nation's most popular politicians include erstwhile active communists turned devout free-marketeers and staunch democrats. Hard-working citizens resign themselves again to second-class status as they watch shrewd communist secret service agents change into lutltlcss capitalist bankers, investment fund chiefs, majority stake holders, properly speculators and owners of some of the country's most precious asseis with the powei 10 bribe . Miss, not mc - it was- Finkelstein." Slogans The Czechs ace suckers for a good slogan. Give them a good slogan, and they will queue up for you and ■each their children diligently to do the same. Try to lead them without a slogan, and you arc in for a great ■ :>uiiimein. Those who knew this ruled ihcm with ease. Those who didn't had a rough time. But what is a good slogan to a Czech .' Truth Triumphs is one which has survived centuries and has been used successfully by every government, *nd most successfully by some of the craftiest liars among Czech rulers. It is associated with St. Wcn-oeslas., but no one is quite sure who (he genius was that made it up or when. It is claimed to have been popular with Czech kings, and it was a part of the presidential regalia in the enlightened times of Masaryk. through the German occupation, and during communist rule It became more prominent again when it was hackneyed endlessly in Havel's first presidential campaign in December I9fi9, in his dramatically innovative enlarged version Truth tixid Love Shaft Triumph over Lias and Hate. What is it about (his slogan that can make Czechs so sentimental',' It is comforting, It soothes a Czech (o know that whatever disaster he might lie going through, truth will triumph. He knows that the truth is not triumphing tight now, hut that it will triumph eventually. Some day. It just lias to, Recause it docs. St Wenceslas says m>. Never mind what the (ruth is. as long as it triumphs. Never mind when it will actually triumph. Never mind how it will triumph. It will triumph by itself. On its own, No need to argue the truth out. No need to prove it. So whenever someone comes up and says that truth will triumph, this must he the time when it will. Jl ne- 35 vcr does. And when it doesn't, it's nobody's fault. Its time just hasn't come yet. But it is soothing to know it will. So again: what is a good slogan to a Czech'.' Modern psychology divides people into several senso-ly types according to the prevailing sense wiih which llk-v | vi l lt. v ihe world, livery nalior: cil couisc. has people of all types, but on a collective consciousness level, one or another sense dominates. To persuade ihc predominantly auditory English, ii all has to sound right. To the visual German, everything must took neat, The soporous Italians must have everything presented in good taste. Whatever docs not sound ripfu to ihc Englishman. stinks to the olfactory American Czechs are mainly kinesthetic - and things must feel good to them. Above all, things must make them feel good ahout themselves. You must give them a slogan they can touch, feel, gel emotionally involved in. wrap themselves in and ice I cuddled, supported, protected. Give their socialism a human face. Wrap thuii ievolution in velvet. Cushion the impact of market reform. Thai sort of thing. Heaven forbid your slogan should mean anything hh have some logic The more absurd and meaningless it is, the better it works. It bus 10 bypass reason and go straight for the gut. where it can plant its seed, take root, germinate, blossom in bright colours, and become a reality that no one questions because thaTs jusi ihc way ihings arc. Above all. avoid slogans which suggest they must do something, make an effort, or go somewhere. However much C/cch.s love and admire America. Per ardua ad axtra would noi move them one inch. Unless, that is, you can persuade them ilun Wt/rk Ennobles, as did the communists when they were sending former businessmen, company managers, lawy ers, teachers and journalists to coal mines or road construction. The similarity with Auschwitz's Arbeit Machi Fret somehow escaped everybody at the lime So much did work ennoble everyone that Work Be Praised became ibe everyday greeting which successfully replaced Good Morning in large sections of the population. Seither Projit, Nor Fame was the famous slogan of the patriotic revivalist sports organisation Sokol (Falcon) which became the paragon of Czech righteousness in the nineteenth century and carried through to the communis! lakcovcr in IÍM8. alter which ilic organisation was banned as an enemy of the working people and its leaders seni to labour camps Very comforting slogan indeed. It never occurred to anyone that if you followed ii through logically, you would end up destitute and ignored. There's nothing intrinsically wrong with being either. But the slogan made both inio a national virtue. That came to its logical conclusion as the nation did indeed become destitute and ignored. And wondered how come. The Country's Welt-being is another effective slogan jvhie.li has been played on the Czechs in a variety of ways by every regime. The Country's Well-being ftr Our Highest Law was the slogan of the Czech fascists after Munich and the occupied Protektorát's puppet govern rrtent- The Republic Is (Jury and We Shalt Not Give The Hcptihltc Away were two of the popular slogans in ihc struggle against imperialism and its agents within. Huild Your Country and Ytm Shall Strengthen Peate was a particularly good patriotic internationalist work- *7 ennobling peace-loving slogan which hung writ large on socialist construction sites and was chained by enthusiastic masses along with forward Left, Not a Step Back, as everybody was Living Better, Living Mare Joyously and marching Towards Glittering Tomorrows. Because, as the slogan coined hy the first working-class president reminded everyone, One Cannot Live in tfic Old Wriv.i. So they all tried to behave progressively, comradely, working-ctassly, socialistly. manistty and ieninistly. internaltonulixtlv but not, heaven forbid, cosmpotitanly. Peace, of course, became another thing worth not only building and defending, but lighting for, Fighting for Peace was such an everyday natural thing to do that few people realised it was - as an unpublished pcici kept reminding his friends - like 'Tucking for virginity". The in \y. hiy "we", and the ever-important fueling of belonging is more fertile ground. We Shad Remain Faithful was the post-Munich slogan expressing loyalty to resigning President Bcnes who had made the decision - against the will of the army and the people — to hum! the Republic over In Hitler without a shot. We Are With You, Be With Us was the endlessly repeated slogan in the first week of the Soviet invasion while Duheck and sjvnbnda were signing a capitulation treaty. Today, Czechs often ask themselves how such a well educated and kind-hearted nation could have fallen lor such evil stupidity and keep it going for forty years. The answer is obvious. Like no one he fore, the communists had the Czechs stitched tip with kinesthetic slogans bumharding ail their senses from all sides. Ijeft. right, and centre, morning, noon, and night. It is now often claimed that Czechs have become allergic m slogans and cannot be fooled by them again. Nonsense. They have only become allergic to certain type of slogans. The type of slogans which look like -liigans. Ix-c.iu.sc they've seen thern before. Forgetting that they fell far ihosc slogans only because those slogans did not look like slogans then, They looked like a luii the majority nf C/eehs wanted to hear ami fed at the time, Make up a new slogan that catches their desires today and makes them feel good about themselves. They'll queue up for you again. Marching into Europe. Aiming For Greater Prosperity. Creating Cash Flows. And Thinking Markelly (oh. yes, and frecmarketly at that), *** The search for meaning The Czechs have always been so puzzled by iheir survival as a distinct nation that they believe their existence and history must have a meaning or even purpose, tech notions may be totally incomprehensible to normal nations like the Bnls, the French, or the Dutch who just get on with their national lives in the best way possible at a given time. But "national meaning" has always been a popular game east of the Rhino, whcie whatever imt dots is expected In Ik- in suine way or other subservient to an overall grand uaiiuiial Joign Nat inn .Lily meaningful, as it were. ['he (ii-11:1.111-, we 11 -1 -111 -. t -1 . -iii.I :li.vi-elw- .ilr-u. as chosen to civilise and westernise their eastern neighbours, more efficiently than anymie else would -should anyone else ever bother - and would therefore regmd anyone else's bothering as interference in their natural rightful historical purpose. The Catholic I'nlcs are there to save Christian Liurope from godless eastern barbarians, since no one else is in (he position 39 lo do it. Russians believe iheii miss inn i-- (o give the soulless world true spirituality which only their deep souls possess. The Czechs have no idea what the hell they are here for - except, perhaps, as musicians. Bui since they keep surviving as a nation"wiih recognisable distinct culture and chancier trails, they believe they should mi un racking Lbeir brains trying to find out why continued existence keeps afflicting them. But before they can deline ihcu national meaning* they must, of course, first define the meaning of meaning: "Meaning, is at one time the main content, at another time the main supporting force, ai yet a not Iter lime a culling edge idea, at other limes the main Of overriding national task, national miss inn ui programme, or even quest for glory.'' Thus spoke leading Czech historians in 1928, presumably with straight faces, at a famous symposium "On the Meaning of Czech History", which was recorded for posterity ami from which the Czechs have not been able to reLover. And went on; "The essential thing is the assumption that in a nation's history, one can trace a single underlying idea, a single trend, in other words a single "meaning' as the creative clement and carrying force, jikis assuming indirectly that all nations are carriers of 'meanings', presumably each i.il .1111 ticif 111 une'' No kidding. Bui wait: "The lerm 'meaning' is usually used as an opposite to the actual material of history, the word itself expresses the requirement of interpretation of actual historical events and iheir contents, particularly value judgment, a definition of an ideological value or guideline of events. But occasionally it covers more: meaning is understood to be that which t$, as it were, primary or eternal in history, of which iiciujlI events are only an outward mam festal k>n. the emphllil being on the understanding of the goal or purpose of developments, on its Ingical-tcleologtcal nature, and on the desire to bring down ilie last remaining curtain on the mysLery of lire." Wonderful stuff, and all verhaiim. Bui you have seen nothing yet: ,vThe search for meaning in national bi.siory is an assignment 10 establish whal our methodologies define as interpretation of history or philosophy of history, based on facts scientifically ascertained. The issue is essentially nothing other than knowledge of the main factors of historical developments and interpretation of contexts created by them. Whoever so wishes may regard this definition of the assignment as the first step towaid-s ihe actual assignment defined by the broader sense of ihe word "meaning', for which, however, empirical historical science is not adequately equipped and whose very possibility it views with skepticism, although the sultniun 10 the problem in the higher sense of the word would not !>c possible without the first step described previously." Having had it so clearly explained, and never wanting to appear stupid, every Czech makes sure oilier Oivhs U-lieve he understands clearly not imiI> whai being Czech means hut even whal the meaning of being Czech means, knowing mat other Czechs will never dare ask him to define it lest ihcy themselves appear ignorant. Thus they all talk with deep understanding about various aspects of their everyday "czechness"' (fys-kosl) or the more exalted "czechianity" tfeistvi), of non-czechness. quasi-ezechrtes, and ami-czechness. And even a delightfully derogatory pctiy-czechness called dtchd£kovstvi which incorporates everything 40 41 every Czech hales about every other Czech and never sees in himself: cowardice, sycophancy, lack of sclf-iMivin nnvinl up 11) know il nil und pelty ilielittm habits, anxiety to make a good impression, and the cheap outsmarting and out maneuvering skill lor which ■hey have created an ingenious linguistic gem vy£&ra-nosi. This wonderful word translates as die ability not just to take the piss out of someone but also to outpis-s, hypiss, and ovcrpiss. LUit if you id:-.k<_-LL an educated Czech friend to give you si sincere outline of what he truly believes he und his nation are here I■:ir ;jiui what il is they have lh--eO so doggedly plodding cm iinwards, hr wnuhl probably eon elude that the Czechs' national meaning is the same as their national desires and aspirations, such as these: :t) Like few nations around them, the Czechs have a deeply ingrained desire and an unwavering determination to beiiet- themselves - materially, intellectually, and culturally whatever the circumstances, and through their own effort. b) Unlike some oilier nations with similar determination, they prefer to go about it without encroaching on other nations, and even lake pains to get out of other nations' way. This is so not because they would he exceptionally fair-minded, but because they sincerely regard wan us a very stupid waste of time, and view everything to do with military matters with utter contempt. e) Their aim is nothing less than being at the very lop of the European league where they believe they belong and where they still vaguely recall having once he-en ecoi......il-.iIly, culturally, and in whatever other area of competition they may coniidei relevant al a given time. d) Whenever they arc left alone to get on with this determination, they go about ii as methodically - if not so rigidly — as the Germans (whom, incidentally, deep down, (hey regard as inferior in every respect except militarily, including their military approach to business conquest, as it appears to the Czechs these days). e) They want the world to recognise them on their own menL. not as someone else's tandem. I) They consider themselves - not the Germans — the natural liphtl'ul business leadeis of Ccntial ami Eastern Europe which they recall (hey have always fed, dad, shod, housed, armed, machined, ;md ve-hicled. g> To achieve these goals, they go out of their way to inform themselves about, seek and absorb voraciously everything and anything they can learn to that aim. hi They ai i: lust learners ami lend to lemember what ibey Iciirn, for as lung as it is usable, and sometimes long alter it has hecunic useless 1) While highly adaptable lo changing circumstances, they turn whatever they pi Her or whatever is flogged on them into something specifically and rc-cognisabty Czech — good, or bad. j They have a unique knack for screwing up when it really matters. Which is why they are where they are, ncil where they know they ought to be. Interlude: The Other Tribe The first thing one must know about (he Moravians is that they regard the Bohemian Czechs as vastly inferior in everything other than heer-drinking. In fact, the only people whom the Moravians do not regard as in-:. inn ;iu: ihc Tusearis, wiih whom Lhcy share a passion for and a pride in a meal well eaten and a bottle of wine well drunk. ■1.1 Throughout the communist era, and against trc- roe lldcms odds, through secret networks of courilry relatives and friends. Moravians 1 ought like lions to preserve sporadic unofficial pockets of good living. With fine wine vintages distributed strictly among friend* lie fore lfusy could teach state run distribution. With culinary treats which included game and venison when Prague had to queue for pork sausages, I and in K:;lm three types of fresh vegetables available I ihrniighoui i be year. This subversive stubbornness must surely be acknowledged as something close to a miracle by anyone who recalls the despair of having to resort to sauerkraut, wiulu kiaui. and sauerkraut as the only vegetables available in any form or shape in any Prague restaurant even three years alter the fall of LiirniiiunisJii. 'This Ls old Moravia, sir."' was the reply Moravian expatriates on their first return visit in the velvet revolution winter were getting from Moravian waiters j proudly serving mixed salads of graLed fresh carrots, while cabbage, red eabhagc, kohlrabi, radiechio, and chicory, which Prague waiter* would noi have remembered having seen, heard, or imagined anyone would order, lei alone eat. If you speak Czech and want l2.s for a decisive battle gainst the invading Avars, and was elected their king. A few years later. Same's Moi:n i.in-, deli ate J even the Franks who tried lo incorporate them into their own expanding empire. Samo left 32 sons and 15 daughters, and it is likely that subsequent Moravian rulers were recruited from this lineage. Some Moravian-based Slav kingdoms and principalities are mentioned in Roman sources throughout the following two centuries, until die establishment of the Moravian Empire in 830 AD. This was a staic of unified Slav-speaking tribes settled around the Morava river. They were christianised in 831, made literate and economically organised, and a generation laier linked Willi the Eastern Roman Empire by two Uyzanlir»e scholars who introduced the Greco-Slav rite, one Con-stanlinc, also known us Cyril (founder of the Cyrilie alphabet) and one Method (founder of methodology -sorry, kidding, hut you could be fooled there, couldn't you). At the height of its power under king Svatopluk around 880, the Moravian Empire incorporated the whole of Bohemia and Moravia as they ure today, most of Slovakia, most of Austria, the western half of Hungary, Southern Poland including Krakow, the ■ IK whole of Silesia, and parts of today's eastern Germany around Meissen. Chemnitz, Baulzcn, and Dresden -all of which are names of Slav origin. All those lands were then populatuil hv Slav-Speaking tribes with now extinct names like Vislani, Holasici. Glomaci, Mil-tians, and by Lusatian Serbs, whose dialects at the time were probably close enough to the Moiavian language to give them all a sense of ethnic unity, molded by lite liturgical Slavonic. The Moravian Empire, however, did not last a whole century before it was chopped up between invading Hungarians and defending Uoliemion Czechs who, having salvaged half of Moravia, incorporated whatever was left of it inlo their own kingdom, leaving it a semi-autonomous status, with political power shifting lo Prague. Moravians '•(.•tiled inlo leaving.', llic illusion of power to the Bohemian Czechs while trying lo civilise them and make them into a bearable and presentable people. After a millennium of this fn-Ljin-ntly Irustra-ting endeavour, some Moravians think the Czechs arc now almost getting there and worth (he trouble, while Others still believe all their effort has been a waste of time. 4"