Scene One (Lights on. All characters seated in chairs in rows. There is a sign for Flying Carpet Airlines. Wolf at front as pilot. Beast reading a newspaper. Hansel and Gretel arguing over sweets. Princesses (Cinderella and Beauty) sitting next to each other, putting on make-up, and acting stuck up. Little Red Riding Hood seated behind them, watching them jealously. Maybe imitating them by using crayons for make-up. Witch behind Red waving wand and reading a book on magic. Pigs examining place, testing materials. Listening to Hip-Hop, maybe bouncing heads. Sleeping Beauty sleeping. Donut eating.) Wolf: Welcome on board Flying Carpet Airlines. We're flying at the speed of 20 kilometers per hour. We should reach Masaryk University in one and a half hours. Could everyone please move to the opposite side as the Donut? It's hard to fly the plane when it's tilted. (Everyone moves.) Beast: Listen to what they said about our performance in Paris: (reads article criticizing Hansel and Gretel). Hansel: Don't you dare spoil it again in Brno. Gretel: Shut up. It was your fault anyway. Hansel: Nuh, uh. Gretel: Yeah, huh. (They start poking each other.) Beast: If siblings can't be nice to each other, how can the world find peace? (Gets up to lavatory. Plane wobbles.) Cinderella: (Watches Beast from behind.) Yummy. He must be working out. Beauty: He will be mine. Cinderella: I heard from Snow White that he's a real beast. Red: Yes. Yes. Yes. I like his ass. I heard his favorite color is red. I bought this (indicates her clothes) at Marks and Spencer. Where do you shop? (Princesses ignore her.) Witch: Stop being silly, you little brat, or I'll turn your dress blue. Sleeping Beauty: (Snores loudly. Others laugh.) Pig 2: You couldn't turn milk into butter, even with that manual. (Beast returns. Lights flicker. Plane shakes. Sounds effects of plane in trouble. Some people screaming. "What's happening?!?" Lights out.) Scene 2 Director: Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen. I am the director of the performance you have all come here to see. I know that you all came here expecting to see some happy fairy tales and forget about your troubles for a while. I'm afraid I have some bad news. We have lost contact with the plane our actors were flying over the ocean from their homes far, far away. It could be that this is a trick, because these actors are always trying to get out of working hard. They are so lazy. In any case, it appears that there will be a delay in getting them here to perform for you. I promise that I will do my best to have them here as soon as possible. Please don't leave. We will manage somehow. Scene 3 (Everyone lying down. People start gradually waking up, rubbing their eyes, looking around. Confusion. Murmurs: "Are you alright?", etc. Hansel and Gretel on opposite sides of the stage.) Gretel: Where's my brother? Hansel: Where's my sister? (See each other. Run together. Hug emotionally. Realize what they're doing. Quickly back away from each other.) Gretel: (Clears throat) I'm . . . glad you're alive. Hansel: Yeah, me too, I guess. (Red next to Beast. Looks at him longingly. Beast looks at Sleeping Beauty. Red notices.) Red: Oh, Sleeping Beauty, you look like you're about to have a breakdown. Here. I have some pills that will help you. (Gives her pills. Evil look behind her back.) Wolf: Oh, my dear. Whatever could have happened to the plane? (Everyone glares at him.) Witch: Why the hell are you asking us? Others: Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's your fault. You were the bleeping pilot. (Many people talking at once.) Beast: Wait, wait . . . Give him a chance to explain. Wolf: My dear fellows, I am just as confused as you are. Mysteriously, the controls suddenly stopped working. Red: Yeah, right. You've been complaining for two weeks about how you needed a holiday. You did it on purpose. Wolf: I'm sorry to disagree with you, but I'm afraid I'm unable to crash a plane on purpose without killing myself. Pigs: Cool. Beach. Sand. Let's make a sand castle. Last one in the water's a rotten egg. (Others roll their eyes and sigh.) Pig 1 (to Gretel): Do you have a bikini? Pig 2: Don't be silly. She lives in the woods. Why would she have a bikini? Pig 3: I'll blush if she doesn't have a swimsuit. Beast: Relax, little ones. Witch: Don't butt in. Mind your own business. Beauty (to Cinderella): Oh my God, you're so pale. Cinderella: Oh my God, you're right. What can I do? Beauty: Put on some tanning lotion. Cinderella: Who'll put it on my back? (Looks at Beast; Beast looks away.) Pigs: Ooh. Pick me. I can. Me. Me. (Cinderella steps away from them.) Cinderella: Wait, where's my handbag with my lotion? Beauty: Where's my Evian? Pigs: Where's my food? (Chaos ensues. Everyone yelling for different things.) Wolf: Brothers and sisters, calm down. Firstly, we have to sort everything out: food, water, shelter. We must work together. We mustn't fight over blame. If we work together, nothing can defeat us and we will survive. (Song and dance suddenly breaks out to tune of I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor.) (People stop dancing and return to where they were.) Wolf: Okay, now that that's out of the way, pigs, go look for food. Hansel and Gretel, build a shelter. Princesses, find water. Witch, gather firewood. Beast, stay with me and we'll look for our lost luggage. Cinderella: How dare you tell us what to do, you dirty, hairy, stinky . . . something. Beauty: We are not your slaves. Cinderella: We are going to find our make-up. Beauty: It's more important than water. (Princesses exit.) Red (in a stage whisper to Witch): Use your wand to get you, me, and the beast out of here. We don't need the others. Witch: Yeah. (Reaches into pockets, doesn't find wand.) Oh, bleep. I lost the bleeping thing. I'm going to find it. (Witch and Red exit.) Wolf: Wait. We need to stick together. Pigs: Boring. Let's go play Frisbee. (Exit while asking each other, "Do you have a disc?", etc.) Gretel: I'm thirsty. Hansel: Let's go find some water. I'll lead the way. Gretel: You suck at getting your bearings. Let me go first. (Both exit, while saying, "Me", "No, me", etc.) Beast: Sorry, buddy. I thought it was a good speech and dance. I'll help you out. (Exits with Wolf.) Scene 4 (Pigs are wandering on the beach. Green Day music plays.) Pig 1: We walk a lonely ro... (turns head right and left) beach Pig 2: Only one which we have ever found Pig 3: do not know where it goes Pig 1: but it is home... Pig 2: Home... I wish to be at home again... Pig 3: PIG PHONE HOME... Pig 1: Whaaaat? You have a phone, bro? Pig 3: Gosh... Sorry... it just automatically came to my mind. Pig 3: You know, I... sometimes... I think I am a bit different, you know.. I have strange shaped hands and fingers... actually, I think that I DO NOT HAVE FINGERS! Pig 2: Hoofs good, fingers bad! Pig 1: Don't do that again! Don't you remember how it ended? Boxer scares me every night. Pig 3: Boxer? Cooooool! Pig 2: OK! Let's make a new farm... no... no... I meant home here! Here on this beach! We have everything we need! (Song from Ať žijí duchové - Šupy, dupy, dup. Physical comedy, e.g., pigs hitting each other with tools.) Pig 1: and now the final touch! (Building collapses.) Scene 5 (Princesses enter, find some of their stuff.) Beauty: So what did your handbag look like? Cinderella: (spots the handbag in the sand) well, it was red with these little glittering... Beauty: What are the odds! I had exactly the same - Prada? Cinderella: Yeah! Beauty: (notices the bag on the ground and grabs it) got it! Cinderella: No, wait, this one's mine. Beauty: Eh-eh, sweetie, it isn't. Cinderella: It's mine, I'm positive. See this little scratch here? Beauty: Aah, let me see then. Cinderella: Hands off! Beauty: I just wanna take a look. Cinderella: Yeah, right! Beauty: Give it to me. It's mine. (Tries to steal it) Cinderella: No, it's not! Beauty: Yes, it is!!! (they fight, tear the handbag apart) Cinderella: I think you can keep it, (C leaves, B packs her pockets with make-up, etc., which she picks up from the ground) Scene 6 Red: chi chi chi these stupid princesses think they are so smart let's have a look at what we have in here (Red opens the suitcase) Holy hell! Hmmm, only famous brands ... Gucci ... Dolce and Gabbana... Armani...Wow! This is so wack! (Throws the clothes out of the suitcase) Beast will definitely fall in love with me when I wear all this ya cha cha cha, now the princesses will have to wear palm trees... cha cha cha Scene 7 (Hansel and Gretel are walking into the wood. Hansel walks first and every time they pass low branches, he lets go of the branch, which hits Gretel in her face. She gets pretty angry) Gretel: Let me go first! (very angry) Hansel: Yeah, and we will get lost as usual. (ironic) Gretel: Yeah, and I wonder where we are now, coz we are passing this tree for the third time.. Hansel: (Pause. Hansel looks around.) Oh, bugger. OK, go first. Maybe something will eat you as the first one. (whispered aside:) That would be very lucky. Gretel: tss, I am not scared. (there is a howling of the wolf in the distance in front of them and Gretel seems a little bit scared) Gretel: Ok, go ahead.. (waits until he pass her into the wood and as he passes her, he pokes her and says) Hansel: scaredy-cat... Gretel: ouch, quit it! (pokes him back) Hansel: ouch, quit it! (they are poking for a while, until Gretel is out of her mind and knocks him so hard, that Hansel falls down on the ground) Hansel: stop it, you stupid adopted one... Oh, look! Gretel: What's wrong now? Hansel: What's that? Are those mushrooms? (they look closer at the mushrooms sitting next to Hansel) Gretel: These are definitely mushrooms. Tasty mushrooms. We should take them to the others. Hansel: Great and they can cook them for us. Gretel: So hurry, pick as many as you can and quickly back to the camp! (They start picking the mushrooms as quickly as they can and then they look at each other and realize that they are still lost) Gretel: ehm... and... Do you know the way? (They exit)) Scene 8 (Witch is walking in a circle, holding her head, kicking stones or trees) Witch: What a bleeping old bleep I am, that I bleepily cannot find my bleeping wand. (More angrily shouts) BLEEP!... I have not had it since the old bleeping flying can crashed on the bleepingly abandoned island. (Desperate sigh) Oh my dearest Bleep!... Let me remember that bleeping moment when I lost it! (Wolf enters and seems surprised by all the bleeping.) Wolf: You seem to be in some sort of trouble. Can I offer my help? Witch: Stay the bleep away from me. Just shut up. I'm trying to remember that bleeping moment when I lost my wand. Wolf: There is no need for such strong language. I was just trying to help. Witch: Go to bleeping hell. (Picks up a stick, shakes it at Wolf chases him off stage.) Scene 9 (Pigs on the stage. They are standing and gazing at the middle of the first row.) Pig 1: Gosh! Pig 2: Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Pig 3: Yeah bro! The truth is out of there! They are watching us. (after a while) Pig 2:What??? What are you kidding!? I meant that... that hovel had collapsed! Pig 3: Yeah, but they are... Pig 2: NO! It can´t watch us! It has collapsed! And there was no wolf or any other guy, who could have caused it! Pig 1: God! You are absolutely right! Do you realize what it means??? Pig 2: I fear I do. Pig 1: We have forgotten how to build houses! Pig 2: Oh my god! What will I say to my readers? Sorry guys, there won´t be any story about me, you and you and wolf because we have forgotten how to built houses?!? Pig 3: If you think that it will help... Pig 1: It is because that stupid wolf and his crash! When I get him he will pray to not have been born! Pig 3: but but but he is bigger! and he has big teeth! and big ears! Pig 1: Yeah! But we will build such a good house that it will kill him. Pig 3: Coooool! Pig 2: How? We can´t build houses, don´t you remember? (Witch comes on stage) Witch: Hey you bleeping pigs! DO you have my little wand!? Pigs: Wand? Witch: Yes you pigs! W-A-N-D! My magical wand! I need her! It is my precious! Pig 1: Oh your precious? (to other pigs: She is bit odd.) Witch: Yes! MY little precious! It was a present... glum... Pigs: No but if you help us to build the house, we will help you look for it. Witch: Ok, I will help you, you little odd piglets. Scene 10 Red(facing Gretel-putting on a false face-insincere): Come here my sweet little child, ooh how cute you are, but you look like you are hungry, poor child.. Gretel: Yes I am soooooooooo hungry, ueeeeee, ueeeeee (cries) Red: (aside) shut up you little idiot Gretel: What did you say? Red: Oooh, I said dont worry my dear, I know about a perfect shelter! Hansel: Who eats shelters for godssake? Red: No one's talking to you dumbass Hansel: What?are you insulting me? Red (insincere again): oh no no, I was talking to...hmm.. to the guy over there (points somewhere in the back-there's no one) I wanted to say that I know about an amazing shelter-it's made of gingerbread.. H+Gretel: Gingerbread! Yummy!!!!!!!! Red: It's a bit burned, true, but you two look like you are starving...so.. I don't think you will mind.. H+Gretel: No, no! We won't (shouting) Hansel: I'll eat the roof! Gretel: I'll eat the walls! Hansel: No,you wont,I will G+Hansel: hwajrhuijb zfhaaaa uuuuu argrbleee (start fighting) Red: stop it you silly sausages! Let me tell you where it is. H+Gretel: Yeah, yeah, where is it? (They are so excited, that they thoughtlessly drop the mushrooms and follow Red. Red notices the mushrooms and picks them up.) Red: Come and follow me, my dears (Red walks into forest; Hansel and Gretel follow her.) Scene 11 (H+G run towards the shelter and start peeling bits from its walls) Hansel: I'm soooo hungry!!! Gretel: Don't you think it tastes a bit weird? Hansel: Oh god, you have to complain all the time!!! Gretel: But.... (he cuts in and says) Hansel: You know what? Just keep your mouth shut!!! Gretel: I don´t know about you, but it is a problem for me eating with my mouth shut! (They argue and eat parts of the shelter. The witch runs out of the house and starts shouting at them.) Witch: You bleeping bleeps!!! How dare you eat my house, you bleepies? (she starts chasing them around the house, bleeping all the time, while the pigs come out of the house and watch her chasing the children and trying to burn them) Witch: Stop, you little yummy hot dogs! I'll burn both of you and burn you and burn you and BURN YOU!!!!!!! (Pigs are watching) Pig 1: I hate burnt food Pig 2: No, burn it, I like crunchy bits of meat. Pig 3: Let's go to McDonald's and have a burnt hamburger. Scene 12 Red: I am sick of these silly people all around...it looks like I'm the only smart and educated person on the planet, or at least on the island...I'll put an end to it... uah uah uah uah (bemoaning her fate) Poor little me, nobody loves me, no one understands or cares about my feelings.. (stands up, wipes her tears away) I have to give them a lesson... If I kill the princesses, the Beast won't have any other choice than being with me! cha cha cha! (puts a net on the floor and attaches it to a tree) I cant wait till they get trapped... but what if they don't ?? (starts panicking) Oh my god, what if they don't?? I should put another trap (puts a bear trap on the floor and covers it with bushes) My dear princesses, if you ever manage to escape from my traps, I'll make sure you won't stay alive. Good that the two little stupid kids collected the poisonous mushrooms...(puts the mushrooms on a tree stool) The princesses are stupid, that's true, but not that stupid-I should put a note that the mushrooms are from the Beast and contain no calories... (puts the note and walks away) Scene 13 (Princesses fighting because of beast; Red is watching from behind a tree) Cinderella: so the kid (=Red) said something about you smiling at the beast. What was that all about? Beauty: Nothing. Just a friendly smile Cinderella: And what about the blinking? Beauty: I... had something in my eye... ? Cinderella: and you wanted him to take a look at it, hm? Beauty: hey, why are you so jealous? We're just friends. (aside) and you're too fat for him, anyway (Beast walks by, princesses stare without moving for a while, then start fighting again) Cinderella: what did you just say? Beauty: nothing Cinderella: that I'm fat? Beauty: eee... Cinderella: I'm not fat at all!!! Beauty: (starts pinching C's skin) and what is this? and this? Cinderella: Ok, if i'm fat then you... you... look like... an owl! with your convex eyes.., moo! (makes weird face) Beauty: certainly better than being fat! Cinderella: *_ you! (she just opens her mouth to make it look like she's saying the first word. Goes away) Beauty: ha! (totally appalled, goes away) Scene 14 (Beast going thru the woods and suddenly hears a terrible scream:) Wolf: aaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuu,which bloody genius put this beartrap right in the middle of this goddamn path... it hurts,aaaauuuuuuu. Nobody´s around; I am certainly gonna die here. (beast comes closer to him and watches him) Beast: No you're not... I am a robot from the future, your mum sent me to save your ass. Wolf: Really?! Beast: Nope, not really. (quickly takes black sunglasses out of wolfs´ pocket and puts them on) Wolf: But will you help me? Pleeeeeeeeaaaaaase! Beast: Affirmative... I require a screwdriver. Wolf: There is a Bosh tool box right behind that bush... Beast: Oh, what a lucky coincidence!!! Errr, let me see. Oooh!! It doesn't look good, but you will live ... you must live! So, let me help you (With Terminator theme playing him free) Now,come with me. Wolf: Thank you, without you, I definitely would have died. (they leave the scene together.) Scene 15 Witch: Oh those bleeping little bleeping bleepers! I hate them! They do always the same things. Always... but for now... it is not the same... I AM alive and I have those live bacons on legs. Bleeeeeeping hell, where are they?! Bleeeeeeeeeeping BLEEEEP! (Pigs come on stage. Pig 1 looks a bit dizzy.) Witch: Explain yourselves. What have you done to your little brother? Pig 3: I swear to you, it wasn't my fault! Pig 2: It was just like in those horror films we have seen. Pig 3: He picked that, that bleeping coconut Pig 2: and suddenly a terrible scream filled with anger and insanity sounded from that cursed bush Pig 3: and then from that bush jumped out a furious little squirrel and with fury in her eyes, Pig 2: she jumped and kicked him in his head. Pig 3: It was like a flash! She grabbed that coconut and just disappeared. Pig 2: I swear it wasn't us. Witch: I don't bleeping care who did it. We need to build something that will last at least one night, you naive little bleepers. Pig 2: Okay, a new supermarket. Pig 3: Yeah, there's no food stores on this island. Pig 1: Where did all those little stars come from? Pig 2: Hey! He can talk! Witch: Great, then he can also build. Now let's get to it. Scene 16 (Princesses trapped in a net) Beauty: now what? Cinderella: how the hell should I know? You're the one with convex eyes; you might have a bigger brain as well! Beauty: Leave me alone, fatso! I can't breathe in here because your fat is pressing me! (Silence. "usherette" walking by with a sign saying "after two hours".) Beauty: You think someone will come to save us? Cinderella: Probably not 'cause you were acting so haughty around everyone Beauty: you weren't really nice to them either! Except for the beast, of course! Cinderella: That's not true; I'm always nice! Beauty: to him, yes! Cinderella: you're just jealous that he likes ME better than you! Beauty: (sarcastically) right! (Sleeping B. starts walking by) Cinderella: hey, hey, over here! Beauty: help us!!! (Princesses try to draw her attention by shouting at her but she crashes into a tree. after a while "usherette" walking by with a sign ) Beauty: I wonder if HE will come to save us... Cinderella: (daydreaming) hmm, hmm, just imagine his strong arms reaching for us... Beauty: hmmmmm (leans against C to find a more comfortable position) Cinderella: Ow! what is it??? Beauty: what? Cinderella: something in your pocket! Beauty: what??? (C reaches into B's pocket) Cinderella: a file! Beauty: and? Cinderella: nothing, it just hurts (after a while) Cinderella: (filing her nails) you know, a file is a really helpful tool. can't imagine what i'd do without it! Beauty: hmm... (in a bored way) (after an hour) Beauty: maybe we can cut the net with it!!! (enthusiastically) Cinderella: you know, you're not as dumb as i thought you were (smiles) (they cut the net and fall on the ground) Scene 17 (Red (disguised) follows Wolf on his walk in the forest) Red: Wooooooooolf Wooooooooooolf (in a scary voice from behind a tree) (Wolf turns around and gets scared) Wolf: Who, ho, ho, who is is is it? Red: It's me, your mum.... Wolf: Really? Red: are you a complete dumbo or what? Wolf: So who ho ho are u and what do do do u want? Red: It's not your bloody business who I am and I am here to kill u. You will die in a terrible agony Wolf: Are you serious? (looking really dumb) and why? Red: It's the time for revenge - my mind I wont ever change. You look like you're mentally ill, huh? coz u know I'm gonna kill ya? Wolf: so first you have to fight me and don't ever try to doubt me!! Red: You think you look scary; your death here is necessary. Wolf: you want a piece of me? bring it on, you moron. Red: You think you are a hero? Your chances are less than zero.... Wolf: So let´s get down business, and you had better pray... I am the last champion of boxing heavy weight so get outta my way.... Red: Hey you silly wolf...I am gonna kick you in the face, the only thing you are is a big disgrace, and I will show you that in fightin I will win the race. Wolf: Your rap and skills are pretty weak. Into the ground your blood will leak, and that's what I tell you little red freak, your dead body nobody will seek. Red:Aaaaaaaaaaah! (runs towards Wolf) Wolf:Whooooooooooo...eerrrrrr! (Runs towards Red) (starts matrix-scary movie fighting every move goes hand to hand with slow sounds of punches and hits cutting the air....wwhoooooooooooaaaaaaaf,shueeeeee) Scene 18 (Princesses are returning from the forest and find mushrooms ) Beauty: awesome! Look how considerate the beast is! Cinderella: No fat! He was even thinking of the calories! Beauty: I'm starving, let's dig in! (princesses pigging out. suddenly, they notice something's wrong) Beauty: i feel kinda funny... Cinderella: think i'm gonna throw up... (princesses in fits slowly crawling towards the house) Scene 19 (Pigs and Witch are sitting on the beach, stage right, preparing food in a big cauldron. There is also a table with food on it. Hansel and Gretel enter stage left arguing about listening to Red.) Hansel: Look at that table. So full of food. Gretel: How can you even think about food? I'm still full from the shelter. Hansel: Yeah, well, I'm starving. I don't know about you, but wood just doesn't do enough for me. Gretel: Oh, boys always want more. Look at your tummy: it's growing as we speak. Hansel: It's all muscle. (Hansel flexes. Witch grabs his arm from behind.) Witch: I've got you now. It's good you're getting fatter; now we'll have more food. I'll chop you up and make a stew. Hansel: Oops. Gretel: Uh, oh. Not again. (Witch carries/drags them over to the cauldron and puts them in. Pigs dance around it (to Hip Hop?).) Hansel: Hey, this ain't so bad. Gretel: Yeah, it's a nice bath. It's great to finally get clean. Especially since you were stinking so bad. (Whistle/sing Always Look on the Bright Side of Life. Pigs keep dancing and start decorating. Beast enters.) Beast: What's going on here? (Picks up kids.) Hansel: Hey, put us back. We were having a nice bath. Gretel: Yeah, and bring us some bubbles. Hansel: And a rubber duck. Beast: Stop being silly. (Puts them down out of the cauldron. Wolf enters. Looks confused, but stays silent.) Beast: Hey, where ya been, dude? Wolf: Granny . . . me . . . when . . . kill . . . who? (Pigs start laughing.) Pig 1: Are you drunk? Pig 2: Yeah, where are you hiding the booze? Pig 3: Don't be greedy. Share. Beast: Stop it, you silly plonkers. (To Wolf) What's wrong? (Red arrives, looking innocent. Or jumps out from behind a bush to show off.) Red: Aloha. Look at the fancy lei I made. (Silence.) Come on. The princesses would love this. Where are they? (Pause. Everyone looks around. Donut runs on stage. Lip-syncs to I Love You Baby. Runs off stage. Pigs start play sword fighting.) Beast: Hey, you might be on to something. Where are the princesses? I haven't seen them for ages. Red: I saw them taking a mud bath down by the river. You saw them, too, didn't you Wolf? Wolf: Well, hmmmm, what? Me . . . granny . . . kill . . . when? Pig 1: There can be only one! (swing) Hey, I got you. You're dead. Pig 2: Yeah, he killed you. Witch: Kill? (Turns on Wolf) You killed the princesses, didn't you? (Hansel and Gretel start crying.) Gretel: How could you? (Others chime in, blaming Wolf.) Beast: Oh no he didn't. Did you? (Beast and Wold look at each other. Lock eyes. Romantic music (The SIMs theme or Only You?). Slow motion towards each other. Look like they're about to kiss.) Sleeping B: Not before marriage. (Music stops. Beast and Wolf shake heads. Look around in confusion. Notice princesses. End scene.) Scene 20 (Princesses arrive.) Beast: You see? He didn't do anything. Here they come now. (Red looks shocked. tries to sneak away.) Beauty: Everybody needs to listen to us. Cinderella: Stop right there, you sneaky little girl. Hansel: Hey! I'm not a girl. Cinderella: Not you, stupid. Red. Red: I just remembered that . . . uh ... my grandmother's waiting for me ... to ... er ... shopping together. Beauty: We know the truth about this little minx. Listen, she ... ugh, dgfuih, ark. (Starts to choke, falls, dies. C. kneels down, looks sick). Cinderella: I know I'll die soon, too. I'm in agony. And, worse, I have no mirror. But before I die, I have to tell you the Red is the root of all evil. (chokes) give me my make-up. I can't die looking like this. (dies) Pigs: Wow. (Red laughs.) Red: Poor princesses. So sick they had no idea what they were saying. Witch: Really? And where were you when they disappeared? Beast: And where did the mud on your dress come from? Pig 1: Where were you between 14.00.13 and 14.39.57? (Pig(s?) put on detective hat and pipe.) Pig 2: why is your cape red? Is it blood? Pig 1: Where were you pal, cuz you smell like hell, and I hope you'll tell Pig 3: You have the right to remain . . . Beast: Shut up. This is serious. (Wolfs howls. Shakes. Falls on ground in a trance.) Wolf: I was in the deep dark forest, when something attacked me to be honest, and it had a small foot. Hit me with a baseball bat, which wasn't good. and i didn't understood and I started to scream thinkin' it was a dream punched it in the face it left without a trace. Pig 1: Look! She's got a black eye. Pig 2: I want some pie/ Pig 3: I know an American guy. Pig 1: You'd better shut up and die. Beast: Stop rhyming now, I mean it. Pig 3: Anybody want a peanut? Gretel: do you have any? I'm still starving. Hansel: yeah, when do we eat? Beast & Witch & Wolf: shut up. Wolf: what happened? Why am I on the ground? It doesn't make sense to me. Witch: You were in a trance. Are you awake now? (pinches him) Wolf: ouch. That hurts. Beast: Everything's gonna be alright. (Fugees-song) Scene 21 (Red starts to cry.) Red: it's not true. no one likes me. they never do. i'm always kind and they just gossip and gossip. Hansel: she ain’t so bad. she gave us candy. Gretel: yeah, and recommended that tasty shelter. Witch: you silly bleepers, that was for living in, not eating. (To red, shaking her) how could you do that? I'll bleeping kill you. (Red grabs witch's neck, starts choking her.) Red: get your hands off me, you stupid, ugly, smelly, b b witch, or i'll stab you, too. Pigs: yeah! Cool! Fight! Fight! (they start to wrestle. Red pins witch.) Pigs: 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... (Beast pulls red off. Pigs complain. wand falls out. Witch grabs it.) Witch: she tried to kill everyone. She's nuts. Gretel: Who's got nuts? Hansel: That's not a very nice way to talk about your mom. Gretel: She's your mom, too, bozo. Hansel: No, she's not. You're adopted. And no one loves you. Gretel: That’s not true. (Starts to cry) Witch: What are we going to do with this bleeping, psycho monster? (Pigs circle around Red, chanting "Death to Red", dancing, Red screaming and shaking) Witch: I'll turn her into a garbage bag. Pig 1: No, burn her. Pig 2: Blast her into space. Pig 3: Let's go to the cinema. Hansel: Let's eat her. Gretel: With what? Dumplings? Hansel: Or some rice. Gretel: In a soup? Sleeping B (in her sleep): mushrooms. (Pause) Beast: Mushrooms are what she killed the princesses with. So ... Gretel: Okay than, with potatoes. Beast: ... let's turn her into a mushroom. (Cries of agreement. Witch starts circling around Red in the opposite direction as the pigs.) Witch: something something. Abracadabra. Shumpo, crumpo, saxana. (Poof. Red is a mushroom.) Scene 22 Witch: now that that's taken care of, we'll go get the food ready. (Goes with pigs inside house. Burning shadow play) Scene 23 Pig 1: oh, that was hot. Pig 2: cool. Pig 3: did you hear what she was screaming? Pig 1: what? she was quite noisy, i didn't understand her. Pig 2: cool. Pig 3: let's burn something else. let's carrying on burning. (pigs enter to rest of people.) Wolf: what was that noise i heard? Beast: and what's that smell? Hansel: it smells really tasty. Gretel: what are you cooking? Pig 1: oh, that was the witch. Hansel: sounds yummy. when do we get some? Pig 2: i think we burned her to a crisp. Pig 1: yeah, there's not much left. Gretel: crisps?!? I want one. I want one. Hansel: no, you're too fat already. you're so fat, that when you visit the zoo, everyone shouts, "Look at this hippopotamus." Gretel: shut your mouth, you could get changed in a clarinet. Hansel: what? a clarinet? did you bring one with you? Gretel: no, it's just a saying, dummy. you need to learn something sometime. let's go look if there's anything left from the witch in there. (H&G run to burned house, look for pieces of witch.) Beast: What have you done, you naughty piglets? Pig 3: almost nothing. Pig 2: just what we saw from our adopted mother. Pig 3: yeah, she was always trying to burn people. Beast: she would never do that. Pig 2: would too. Pig 1: oh, yes, she would, she tried to make crispy potatoes out of Hansel and Gretel. Beast: I guess she dug her own grave. Wolf: requiem in pacis, Beast: Hansel and Gretel, stop eating her, she is resting now. She hasn't survived and she must rest. If you want, we found some mushrooms. H&Gretel: Mushrooms!! No way!! (They try to hide.) Beast: now do you understand what you have done? Pig 3: ufffuuggg. Pig 2: We set the witch free? Pig 3: Now she can fly over the whole island. Pig 1: Have you got a telescope? We can try to find her in the sky. Wolf: I'm afraid that's not how things work, little ones. Pigs together: Really?? Beast: Are you kidding me? Pig 3: No, we are not kidding you. Pig 1: So how does it work, then? Beast: It's hard to describe; it would take a long time until you could understand. Pig 2: We've got plenty of time here. Pig 3: Are you sure? Pig 1: Hey, mates, I wanna know who's gonna take care of us? Pig 2: Yeah, our mommy's gone now. Flown away. Pig 3: Let's find another one. Beast: It's not so easy to find a good mom. They don't grow like mushrooms. Pig 1: Do they grow like apples then? Pig 3: Yeah, we can find a mommy tree. H&G shout: If you ummmm . . . Beast: No, mothers aren't like plants at all. Pig 2: So where do mothers come from? Pig 1: And piglets? Where do they come from? Wolf: I can see you still have a lot to learn. You'll understand when you are older. Pig 2: But . . . but . . . Pig 3: I wanna know now!! (Pigs start sniveling.) Wolf, to Beast: What will we do with them? Beast: Someone needs to teach them everything, right from the beginning. Wolf: But who? Beast: Look around. Do you see anyone else but us? Wolf: Ummmm. I guess not. Beast: And, anyway, they need a mom. Wolf: Well, I can help, but I'm not wearing a dress. Beast: Well, I'll do it. I have the right figure for dresses. They need a skirt to hide under. Wolf: All right, I think we can do it. Beast: You mean to adopt them? Wolf: Yes, I agree. Beast: Let's try it. Pigs, it's time for bed. Pig 1: No, not yet. Pig 2: I'm not sleepy. Pig 3: Let's play a game! Beast: Well, how about playing "counting sheep"? Hansel: A game? A game? Gretel: We wanna play, too. (They come out of hiding.) Pig 2: How do you play it? Wolf: Well, we all lie down on our backs and stare at the sky. Beast: And start counting imaginary sheep. Wolf: Whoever counts the most wins. Pigs: That sounds great! Fun! (etc.) They all lie down. Hansel: 1 Gretel: 2 Pig 1: 3 Pig 2: 4 Pig 3: 5 (They continue taking turns. Fade out. Quieter and quieter. Song: Dream a Little Dream of Me AND/OR Twinkle, twinkle. End scene.) Scene 24 (pigs have gone to bed with others,wolf and beast stay on the stage sitting at the table in complete silence for a few seconds, then Wolf looks at the beast and ...) Wolf: Well, not only are we lost in boonies, but others around us are dying....and our hope to survive in here with such a squad is.....impossible. (takes a bottle of Vodka and has a sip) Beast:...yeah....unfortunately you are right... (has a sip of vodka as well) Wolf: You know what? it´s kind of hard to trust someone in here, it´s so hard to find one to rely on. (has a big sip again) Beast: Guess what? when I found you trapped in the woods, it was a big coincidence. I went for a walk, because I couldn’t listen to the princesses,their stupid gabbing about fashion (has a big sip) Wolf: and Witch and her aggressive comments about the Pigs (has a big sip) Beast: ...and Hansel and Gretel’s arguments (has a big sip) Wolf: ... and ... and... I just agree with whatever you say. our point of view is just ... veeeery similar (has a big sip) Beast: Really. and not only our point of view but even our values and ... just everything. I mean. Actually you’re the only one I trust ... and and I am not kidding despite I am sort of buzzed...hic! (has a big sip) Wolf: Are you serious? I can’t believe my ears. I just wanted to say the same thing this … is incredible.(has a big sip) (both completely drunk .approach each other, give each other a hug. continue drinking, whispering into each others ears, chuckling. after a while) Wolf: I gotta tell you something. at least we are not in this shit alone. you are more than a friend to me. (has a big sip) Beast: I feel something I have never felt before. its like warming me up from inside and moreover with you I feel very safe and comfortable. it is so unusual. (has a big sip) Wolf :I am not any poet or "Cassanova" so it is kind of tough to sincerely express what I mean and feel. Beast: I have heard about the word lout ...or logh ... or … no, no, now I remember it was "love"(has a big sip) Wolf: I have heard about that too, but never experienced that. but it must be it. Beast: Yeah, I think so. (has a big sip),but recently people use this word more than hello or something. you know what I mean. Wolf: So you are afraid it is not the proper word. Beast: I do not know. maybe recently it has lost its meaning. Wolf: Damn it!! (has a big sip) Beast: We are in something with each other and we don’t know how to call it. It’s pathetic. (has a big sip) Wolf: I got it let’s call it make up a word. Beast: How? Wolf: T ... means trust. Beast: R... means romance. Wolf: A ... means to adore someone. Beast: P ... means passion. Wolf: T ... means tolerance. Together: T ... R ... A ... P ... T. Trapt! Wolf: So we are in trapt with each other! (give each other a kiss and fall off the bench) Scene 25 (Helicopter noises. Director walks on stage. Notices Beast and Wolf lying on ground. Goes over to them and kicks them awake.) Director: Okay, guys, vacation's over. We've got performances to get to. It's the high season. Beast: Oh shut up and have a drink with us. Director: Drunk again, huh? Why am I not surprised? We did meet at Alcoholics Anonymous, after all. I guess you'll end up there again, but first you have to get on the bloody helicopter. (Everyone else (except for Sleeping Beauty) wakes up and reluctantly agrees. Grumbling about working. Music plays as they exit.) Scene 26 (Sleeping Beauty alone on stage. Music stops suddenly. Sleeping Beauty wakes up slowly, rubbing her eyes and looking around the stage.) Sleep: Hey. What happened? Where are all of you? What am I doing on this beach? This is so weird. Maybe it's a dream. Yeah, that's it. I'll just go back to sleep and when I wake up, everything will be normal again. (She lies back down. Music plays.) End play.