95
THE CHANGING COURSE OF COURTSHIP
The leaders of the Communist Party inherited the attitudes of early twentieth
century reformers who saw the old family system as oppressive to youth and
women. In 1950 a Marriage Reform Law was enacted which prohibited parents
from forcing their children to marry against their will. The government also condemned
early marriage on the grounds that it deflected the energies of youth from
productive work and led to too high a birth rate. Beginning in the 1950s, girls
were enrolled in schools in unprecedented numbers and women were mobilized
to work outside the home in large numbers. New patterns of courtship and new
attitudes toward love and marriage gradually developed, reflecting both new government
policies and the new social situations in which young people found themselves.
The four selections below reflect some of these changes. The first comes
from a handbook published in 1964 for use of rural cadres who had to advise
young people. The second is from a February, 1975 Canton newspaper and is an
example of the sorts of exhortation intended to promote new types of thinking
that were common during the Cultural Revolution. The third is a letter written in
1978 in response to a radio show on "The Place of Love" and gives a very
different view of courtship during the Cultural Revolution. The last selection, on
advertising for spouses, appeared in a 1989 women's magazine.
WHAT SHOULD ONE PAY ATTENTION
TO WHEN ONE FALLS IN LOVE?
We have already said that young men and women
must have a correct point of view toward love
when they fall in love. Here we shall talk a little
about a few concrete problems to which one
should attend when falling in love.
First, with regard to the problem of dating between
young men and women, may young men
and women date each other in public? Of course
they may. So-called friends ought to be c o m r a d e s
in our socialist society. Sentiment between friends
is lofty, and the relationship between one and the
other is equal and cooperative, full of solidarity
and love. Common ideals, common interests,
common lives of labor and war have b o u n d us
together tightly and have created a brand-new
comradely relationship between us. This sort o
comradely relationship encourages us to progress,
and it advances our solidarity. It is beneficial to
socialist construction and at the same time makeS
The Changing Course of Courtship / 471
our lives happier and more blissful. Under such
circumstances, why shouldn't young men and
women court each other publicly?
But in real life there are some people who always
look askance at any relationship between a
man and a woman. As soon as they see a man and
a woman together, they are scandalized without
looking into the true circumstances. They say this
and that and make all kinds of criticisms to make
people feel ashamed. There are also some people
whose heads are full of ridiculous formulas. As
soon as a young man and woman start to see each
other often, they brand them for having an "improper
style" and claim that "the relationship between
the sexes is impure." Because of this, some
young men and women become anxious. If they
love someone, they don't dare declare their love.
When they start courting, they hide here and
there, not daring to see people, as if they had done
something disgraceful. This is a problem worthy
of our attention.
How should young men and women treat others'
criticisms when they fall in love?
1. We must clear away the remnants of feudal
ideology in our minds and treat the relationship
between the sexes correctly. When we see a man
and a woman talking together, we should not be
greatly surprised. We should, moreover, not gossip
or interfere with them. When a man and
woman meet, they should be open-minded and
not be suspicious of each other. If you love another
person, you must give it serious consideration.
After due consideration, if you want to
propose, then propose. You need not suppress it
in your heart and create suffering. If you and the
other person build up a proper relationship and
fall in love, even if you do encounter ridicule or
interference from others, you need not feel troubled
by it and may disregard it. You may also
explain it to them and, if necessary, make observations
on the situation to the party or the League
in order to request support.
2. When they fall in love, young men and
women must be particularly careful to balance
well the relationship between love and work.
They should not forget everything else when they
fall in love, but should change love into a kind of
motive power to encourage themselves to work,
learn, and progress better.
3. In falling in love, one should never have improper
sexual relationships as a result of temporary
emotional impulses. This is immoral.
In sum, as long as we treat these problems seriously,
others will not "gossip." Even if some
people talk nonsense, we can still stand up to it.
Facts always will prove that their opinions are
wrong and our actions are honest.
Second, on the problem of "unrequited love."
"Unrequited love" means that the love relationship
is broken. We know that in love itself
there exist two possibilities. One possibility is that
it continues to develop and leads to marriage. The
other possibility is that it breaks up midway, and
the love relationship terminates. The process of
falling in love is a process of mutual understanding
and increasing friendship. After a considerable
period of mutual understanding, if one side
feels forced and proposes to break off the love
relationship, this is normal and means that the
love between the two has not matured. A proverb
says, "The melon that is gathered by force is not
sweet." Love is something that cannot be forced.
If love is immature and thus the love relationship
is broken off, it is not necessary to create trouble
for oneself. But there are some young men and
women who cannot treat this problem correctly.
According to them, it seems that as soon as you
fall in love you must get married. Otherwise you
feel cheated. Because it is "unrequited love," it
creates "the greatest suffering." One cannot eat
or sleep; one feels dispirited at work and even
loses interest in living. This is wrong in the extreme.
One should have a correct attitude in dealing
with "unrequited love." First, one should
understand clearly his goals in life. If one has a
lofty goal in life, then one's work, learning, and
progress will not be affected by setbacks in love.
Second, one should be philosophical. Since the
other no longer loves you, you should not put
something into it that is not there.
4 7 2 / The People's Republic
Third, on the problem of "fickleness in love."
"Fickleness in love" is a bourgeois conception
of love. Its characteristic is: "Love the new and
detest the old." "The other hill seems higher than
this one."* It manifests itself in changeability and
untrustworthiness. One loves X today and Y tomorrow.
It is a very flippant attitude. This is completely
different from normal love. When a young
couple feels lovingly toward each other and builds
up a love relationship, they should respect each
other and make their love develop and strengthen
without cease. If in the process of falling in love
one party feels that the love is strained and that
the love relationship cannot indeed be maintained,
then, based on a serious and cautious attitude
and after conscious consideration, it is also
quite normal that the love relationship be broken
off. This is beneficial to oneself, to the other person,
to one's future life, and to society. But "fickleness
in love" is different. Its purpose is
hedonistic enjoyment. When you enjoy each
other, you are "in love." When you have had
enough, then "take off." When you have the
money, it is "love"; when the money is all used
up, "take off." Responsible to no one, enjoyment
is supreme and the individual comes first. These
are dutiful acts of love and ought to be vigorously
opposed.
Fourth, on the problem of matchmaking by
family and relatives.
Some young people are introduced to their
partners by family and relatives. Is this way of
doing things good? This should be analyzed concretely,
for one cannot say whether it is good or
bad in general. Generally speaking, it is best for
young men and women to find their beloveds by
themselves and to build up a love relationship
through common labor and common struggle.
Some people, due to limitations of various sorts,
cannot help but ask others to introduce them to a
partner. It is all right to do so. But if there is no
mutual understanding or love toward the partner
one is introduced to, then there should be a process
of mutual understanding and building up of
* The "grass is always greener on the other side."
love. This process is absolutely essential. Some
young people rely on the one-sided opinion of a
matchmaker; they meet a few times and agree to
get married right away. This way of doing things
is too rash. We should say that one ought to have
more contact with the person he is introduced to
so as to learn to understand one another, but not
rely on "love at first sight." If you hand over your
"heart" after only one meeting, then it is not serious
enough. "Love at first sight" often means
you only see the superficial phenomena of the other's
looks, clothes, manners, etc., but cannot see
the other's "real heart." Some young people often
give away their hearts before they see the other's.
How can this be reliable? Therefore, when you
ask others to introduce a partner, if you yourself
are not yet familiar with the other person, then, in
addition to listening to the opinions of the person
who makes the introduction, you should also listen
to the opinions of people familiar with that
person. More important, there must be a process
of mutual understanding. This, too, is the process
of falling in love.
We may see from the above problems that in
the question of love and marriage there exists a
struggle between new and old thinking. In order
to deal correctly with the problems of love and
marriage, we must oppose the remnant of feudal
ideology and the ideology of the bourgeoisie. We
must draw a clear boundary line with these two
kinds of ideology and carry out a vigorous struggle.
These, then, are the problems young men and
women must pay attention to in the process of
falling in love.
DARE TO DO AWAY WITH OLD CUSTOMS
It was a day in the middle of October last year.
The masses of people in Sixin Brigade (Niwan
Commune, Doumen county) joyously ran a b o u t
passing the words: "Uncle Jinxi is taking a sonin-law
today."
Let's hear the story about Uncle Jinxi taking a
son-in-law.
Old poor peasant Huang Jinxi's daughter
The Changing Course of Courtship / 473
Bingcai fell in love with He Huashen of Weiguo
Brigade, Baiqiao Commune, and they planned to
get married. This event made Jinxi rejoice on the
one hand and grieve on the other. He was happy
because thanks to the good leadership of Chairman
Mao and the Communist party, his whole
family was free and his children had all grown up;
he grieved because he had no son and his four
daughters one after the other had all gotten married
and left the family. He thought to himself,
"How wonderful it would be if my son-in-law
could come to live with me and take care of me
when I get old." His daughter understood how he
felt and suggested that He come to settle in her
family. He consented.
When news of this spread, a small number of
people still influenced by feudal ideas began to
criticize. Some said, "A fine young man like him
can find a wife without difficulty. Why should he
have to join the family of his wife? What a
shame!" When He's father heard these erroneous
views, he also thought that as it had been a practice
for women to marry into their husband's family
since ancient times, his son would be looked
down upon and meet "bad luck" if he did as
planned.
He studied conscientiously the relevant writings
of Chairman Mao and the ten new things of
Xiaojinchuang, and came to realize that "times
have changed, and men and women are equal." If
women could go settle in their husbands' families,
then men could also go settle in their wives' families.
Revolutionary young people must take the
lead to break with traditional concepts like "men
are superior and women inferior." Therefore, he
patiently tried to enlighten his father, saying, "As
long as we act in accordance with Chairman
Mao's instructions, the cadres and masses will
give us support." He also said, "If it's 'unlucky'
for a man to join his wife's family, what kind of
'luck' did you have when you followed the old
practice and took a wife into your family before
liberation?" This refreshed his father's memory of
the miserable past. He's grandparents had both
died of poverty and illness under the merciless oppression
of the landlords. His father worked for
the landlords from early childhood, and was
beaten and scolded all the time. By the time he
took a wife, he had neither house nor land to his
name and borrowed some money to buy a ruined
boat for a house. The family led a desperate existence.
After Liberation, under the leadership of
Chairman Mao and the Communist party, they
became masters of their own and led an ever happier
life. After recalling this bit of family history,
He Huashen's father repudiated the doctrines of
Confucius and Mencius, like "three cardinal guidances
and five constant virtues" and "men are superior
and women inferior," and raised his
consciousness. In the end, he even supported his
son's decision to settle in his bride's house.
He and Bingcai then went ahead with their
wedding preparations. They both agreed to have
their wedding the new way, not accepting betrothal
money or presents or giving a feast. Huang
Jinxi felt it was a bit niggardly not to spend a little
money treating his relatives to a few drinks on this
happy occasion of taking a son-in-law. Therefore,
he intended to invite a few relatives and friends
for a small wedding party. When Bingcai learned
what her father felt, she said to him, "You said
that when you got married, you didn't give any
betrothal money or presents and didn't give a
wedding feast. Why didn't you feel niggardly
then?"
"That was before Liberation," he answered.
"Then I was so poor that there wasn't a single
grain of rice in my pot. How could I afford to buy
presents and give a wedding feast? It's different
today; we're now well-off. A wedding is a great
event which justifies spending a little money."
In order to help her father raise his level of understanding,
Bingcai patiently explained, "Even
though we're better off today doesn't mean we
can spend money at will. Indulging in extravagance
and waste is an old habit of the exploiting
classes, while industry and thrift are the good virtues
of us poor and lower-middle peasants. We
must do away with the existing habits and customs
and old conventions of the exploiting
classes, and erect the new style of the proletariat.
If there are to be standards for weddings, then
4 7 4 / The People's Republic
make them the standards of the proletariat." Her
father agreed with this and raised his consciousness.
He even gave his consent to their preparing
the wedding in an economical way. On the day of
the wedding, they insistently refused gifts, did not
give a feast, and did not follow any of the feudal
superstitious customs. After the wedding, they immediately
plunged into the battle of grasping revolution
and promoting production.
FROM "BEATING THE MANDARIN DUCKS"
TO THE SEARCH FOR LOVE
Comrade Editors:
I am a twenty-five-year-old member of the Communist
youth league, and a member of its organizational
committee. In the past, because of my
own ignorance and immaturity, compounded by
the poisonous influence of the "Gang of Four," I
developed an erroneous understanding of the
place that love should take in the life of a revolutionary.
I remember the time during the Cultural
Revolution (I had just turned thirteen) when I
went with a large group to Shanghai, where to get
a taste of "revolutionary revolt" under the leadership
of some high school students, we put on
red armbands, and with sticks and clubs, with
leather belts and portable megaphones, we went
along Zhaojiabang Road "destroying the four
olds." Using our sticks and clubs and belts, we
chased away all the young couples who were
courting beneath the light of the moon among the
flowers, shouting over and over again: "Get out
of here! Stinking hoodlums! Stinking perverts!"
Later, as I gradually got older, I still thought that
those days when I was young and "destroying the
four olds" in Shanghai had been glorious, even to
the point that I actually regarded love as a detestable
sentimental petty-bourgeois emotion, a degenerate
activity that must be strictly banished
from any revolutionary enterprise. I even thought
that the very word "love" was in itself the vocabulary
of hoodlums, that it was a polite euphemism
for sex, for lewd, degenerate, corrupt, evil behavior,
a word that a revolutionary would never use.
In 1975, after I was transferred from a farming
village to work in a seedling nursery, our leader
gave our local youth league team the important
duty of preventing the boys and girls from making
friends, from seeking partners, from talking about
love and affection. As soon as I discovered that a
young couple, while working, studying, and playing
together, had fallen in love, I set about scheming
in every way possible to prevent this
relationship from developing further. At meetings,
they would be called by name and criticized,
and after the meetings they would be threatened
and "cajoled," and if these methods did not work,
they would then be separated like the shepherd
boy and the weaving maid of Chinese legend, one
to the south fields, the other to the north fields,
which were some eight li [four kilometers] apart.
Our nursery had separated as many as eight or
nine couples in this way. As a cadre of the Communist
youth league, with a totally incorrect understanding
about love and having received no
correct guidance, I not only did not realize that
such actions on the part of our leader were wrong
and harmful, on the contrary, I thought that he
was truly revolutionary and high-minded, that he
was a progressive leader who had transcended
lower-class tastes and interests. For this reason, I
spared no effort to follow his lead closely, to fight
energetically to stamp out the sparks of "love." I
arranged for "staunch elements" of the youth
league to "spy on" the young boys and girls to see
whether or not any had formed couples, sent
"positive elements" to "investigate" whether or
not any of the young people were seeing each
other or having dates, to see whether or not any of
their letters contained photographs or love notes
. . . and then, I went immediately to the leader to
report those "secrets" that most people would
have difficulty discovering. I also helped the leader
open the "anti-heart battle" to tear apart these
"couples" and "lovers." At a conference for youth
league members, in accordance with the wishes of
the leader, in concert with several c o m m i t t e e
members, I falsely stated that the call of the party
for late marriages and planned parenthood in-
The Changing Course of Courtship / 475
ferred that "late marriage means the later the better,
and not to marry at all is by far the best, in
perfect accord with the interests of the nation." I
even suggested that "it is entirely improper for
young people in their twenties to think now about
individual problems. For the present, we shall not
look for mates, shall not talk of love. These are
demands of the present situation, demands of the
times, demands of the revolution." It was as if
questions of love and marriage were incompatible
with, were totally irreconcilable with, revolution.
Later, I also had each comrade in turn state his
resolution to "refrain absolutely from seeking a
mate or talking of love for years." I also
stressed again that this was what distinguished
those who were wholeheartedly for the revolution
from those who were only halfheartedly for the
revolution, that this was the touchstone that distinguished
the thorough revolutionary from the
"half-baked" revolutionary. Under the explicit,
conscious directions of our leader, and with the
active encouragement and pressure from our
branch committee, the great majority of the youth
league comrades expressed their resolution to refrain
absolutely from talking about love for five
years. There were several fanatics who took the
stage to swear that they would never marry, that
they would be "revolutionary" monks and nuns.
Neither I nor our leader made any attempt to restrain
such an unrealistic attitude. On the contrary,
we were delighted and were fully content to
give these ignorant "foolish young people" our
enthusiastic applause and encouragement. . . .
A PIONEER
One day Ding Naijun, a forty-year-old arithmetic
teacher in Sichuan, had a great idea while he
watched a TV advertisement. "Why can't I write
an ad that will help me meet more people and
have a better chance of finding a spouse?"
In January of 1981 Ding sent a letter, along
with his personal advertisement, to The Market, a
newspaper with a large circulation. The editors of
the paper hesitated, but felt sympathetic to Ding's
problem and published the seventy-five word notice
advertising his desire for a spouse. Ding was
in luck. Within a month he received more than
three hundred replies from all over China. He began
correspondence with a girl from Jilin Province
and they fell in love.
Since 1981 advertising for a spouse has become
more and more popular. Only a week before
Ding's ad, on January 1,1981, the Marriage Law
of the People's Republic of China adopted by the
Fifth National People's Congress at its third session
was put into effect. This revised law stipulated
that men could marry at age twenty-two and
women at age twenty. It was like the opening of a
sluice gate. Large numbers of young people just at
the legal age came to register their marriages and
those who were over thirty suddenly became "elder
unmarried youths."
Most of the people in this category experienced
the ten-year turmoil [the Cultural Revolution].
They left school too early. After the turmoil
ended, they plunged themselves into study, trying
to make up for the time and education they had
lost. When they realized that they should also
spend some time on finding a spouse, they found
meeting suitable people was more difficult than it
was for the young.
By 1984, the party Central Committee was
paying great attention to this issue, which had become
a "social problem" by then. It called for the
whole society to show concern for the marriage
prospects of these people. Therefore, matchmaking
services sprang up and parties were held to
help people meet each other. Many newspapers
and magazines published public notices written
by people hoping to marry. Since people had to
pay for the ads, these publications generated more
income and profit, and increased their circulation
as well. This is the reason that many publishing
houses are eager to continue supplying this service.
To attract readers, every newspaper and
magazine had to make special arrangements to
handle the personal advertisements of those seeking
spouses. After the Wuhan Youth News started
a special column, "Phoenix Searching for a
Spouse," more and more people came to their of-
4 7 6 / The People's Republic
fices. Finally, the editorial office had to set up a
new reception room. A special column in Guangdong's
Family magazine is called "Bridge of
Love" and has attracted the interest of Chinese
here and overseas who are seeking a spouse. The
China Marriage and Family Research Society
started a column named "Call of Love." though it
is two pages long and contains forty to fifty ads in
each issue it can hardly meet the large demand.
Spring Breeze, a magazine specially for the handicapped,
also opened a column of marriage ads
for handicapped people. In May 1984, Liberation
Army Daily started the column "Green Bridge of
Magpies" and opened the door to personal advertising
to those Chinese soldiers who wished to
marry. The nationally distributed Chinese
Women Magazine with its circulation of one million
attracted many people seeking a spouse. In
one issue alone there were 101 ads.
It has turned out that public matchmaking services
have not been effective or successful. However,
ads in magazines and newspapers keep
increasing....
In July 1984, Chinese Women Magazine received
a letter from Daling township, Ganyu
county, Jiangsu province signed by "a hundred
rural young men," including Sun Kenan. The letter
read, "Guided by our party's policy of letting
people become rich, carried out after the Third
Plenary Session of the Central Committee of the
Party, every family in our township has built a
new house, has a deposit in the bank, and moreover
has rice and white flour as food. We have
high quality clothes and can watch TV or go to
the cinema. We all enjoy our life very much. Our
only regret is that we lack virtuous wives, to cherish
our ideals and follow the same path with us.
We welcome all city girls who have courage and
insight to come to our rural area."
After this ad was published, many women answered.
A girl from Shanghai said, "The Third
Plenary Session of the Central Committee of the
Party has brought about great changes to your
town. I hope to go there to choose a spouse and
contribute to the building of our countryside." A
young woman from Ganzhou, Jiangxi province
said, "I'm a university graduate and a government
employee. I'd like to make friends with a young
man in your area who can share my goals in life
and explore the way to wealth with me." A girl
waiting for her job assignment in Sichuan said,
"Having failed the college admissions examination,
I've been feeling low. Maybe going to the
countryside where I can strive with these ambitious
young people will be a turning point in my
life. Marriage to an industrious and honest rural
young man may provide me with a chance to live
a meaningful life."
The story of one woman is a successful example
of advertising for a spouse. A thirty-one-yearold
woman had been one of the urban youngsters
who went to the countryside during the Cultural
Revolution. She returned to the city and studied
at a university. As she was already a bit older than
the other students, her social circle was small and
it was difficult for her to find a suitable spouse.
After placing a personal advertisement she received
letters from two hundred men and sixtythree
of these met many of her standards. Then
she eliminated thirty who were too old or paid too
much attention to physical appearance and another
seven who were divorced and had children.
One by one she met the twenty-three men who
were left, but none of them could arouse her passion.
Upon reflection she realized that her hope of
meeting a man who was perfect in every way was
unrealistic. She took another look at the letters
and decided to meet a man who was a worker.
Unexpectedly he was not ignorant, but an honest
and humorous person with experiences similar to
hers. When she was with him, she felt happyMany
warm-hearted friends came to attend their
wedding....
In 1984 the women's federation attached to the
Committee of Youth League in Xiong'erzhai
township in the mountainous area of Pinggu
county, a suburb of Beijing, placed a single ad for
two hundred young men. The letter explained the
economic position and spiritual state of the young
people. There were 1,900 replies from twentyeight
provinces, cities, and autonomous regions.
Already thirty-five of these young men are mar-
The Changing Course of Courtship / 477
ried, twenty more are planning their weddings,
and the others are still corresponding with their
new friends....
Recently a TV station in Shanxi started showing
personal ads which have proved popular.
Viewers have an opportunity to appreciate the
spouse-seeker's size, looks, and manner and hear
the voice. Also, people can start to get responses
even more quickly after a TV ad than an ad in
publications.
Last year the cost of paper increased, directly
influencing the price of newspapers and magazines.
The force for publications including the cost
for advertisers was raised, but even the additional
expense has not discouraged those seeking a
spouse through a personal ad. They do not complain
because the ads are successful.
In the early 1980s those using ads to find a
spouse generally fell into two categories: urban
youths who returned to cities from the countryside
where they lived during the Cultural Revolution,
and urban citizens who had been sent to the
countryside and were then allowed to return to
cities after various policies of the party had been
implemented. Over the past few years many people
in these two groups found spouses, and a new
group is making use of personal ads, divorcees. It
is predicted that this group will have the most interest
in seeking a new spouse through personal
ads.
People all long for a congenial spouse and a
happy marriage. It is no surprise that they now
use the technology of the modern communication
system to achieve their goal.
Translated by Lin Guanxing