lie
(No!)
After a hot day's work, Mr. Ernest Lerner was having some beer with Mr. Yasuda, a Japanese acquaintance. Mr. Yasuda always had been a modest, pleasant person, but that evening Mr. Lerner felt somewhat irritated that Mr. Yasuda was being too agreeable. He kept saying Ee, ee or, Ee, soo-desu-ne, to whatever Mr. Lerner thought. Mr. Lerner began wondering if this gentleman ever had the word lie in his vocabulary.
When it was almost time to part, Mr. Lerner noticed that Mr. Yasuda had a very stylish, brand-new watch, and complimented him on it. Mr. Yasuda instantly replied,
lie, sonna koto-wa arimasen.
[y\l\X, ^hoU   CLcírlá: m^^ithja (No, it's no such thing!)
Mr. Lerner was surprised by his unusually decisive tone, and looked him in the face. Then Mr. Yasuda quickly added,
Yasumono-desu-yo, konnano.
(Just cheap stuff.)
* * *
Some Westerners wonder why Japanese hate to say lie and resort to almost every possible measure to avoid saying it, but there are situations when Japanese positively say lie. What are those situations?
Japanese have in their minds what might be called psychological difficulty in denying what other people think or wish. Saying "No" to someone's opinion or request seems to them like denying him as a human being and consequently destroying a good relationship with him.
When saying "No" does not involve any possibility of hurting someone or endangering the good relationship, Japanese feel free to say "No." To such a question as "Is this the right way to the station?" they say lie or lie, chigai-masu (lit. No, it's different.) quite readily.
The situation with the watch described above is the one when Japanese can most happily say lie because denying one's own superiority can help strengthen a good relationship. In the same way, Japanese are quite positive in denying what the other person thinks is his weak point. If you want to hear your Japanese acquaintances say lie, sonna koto-wa arimasen, try saying that your Japanese hasn't improved a bit since last year or that you're getting old and weak.
10
11
Konnichiwa (Good afternoon)
Mr. Ernest Lerner went to his office late one day. It was almost two in the afternoon so he said, instead of Ohayoo-gozaimasu (Good morning),
Konnichiwa
(Good afternoon)
There were several people working in the office. All of them turned to him, but they did not say anything for a moment; then some of them said Konnichiwa hesitantly; others just nodded silently.
Mr. Lerner did not understand. Why did Konnichiwa sound strange? Isn't it a perfectly reasonable greeting, corresponding to English greetings such as "Good morning," "Good day," or "Hello"?
*         * #
As far as the hour of the day is concerned, it is proper to say Konnichiwa at two in the afternoon, but it is not appropriate to say it to one's colleagues.
Among the several greetings exchanged when
I      meeting people, Ohayoo-gozaimasu can be used
I to any person, to people in any relationship with you, but the situations where Konnichiwa and Kon-banwa (Good evening) can be used are rather limited. These two are used with people who do
I      not belong to one's own group.
Needless to say, they cannot be used among
J family members. People working at the same office are usually considered to be members of one's own group, though people's conception of the size or content of this group varies according to the individual.
The people at Mr. Lerner's office regarded him as a member of their group; which is why they were embarrassed to be greeted by him with Konnichiwa. If they had regarded him as an outsider, they would have accepted it as a matter of fact.
One more thing about Konnichiwa and Kon-banwa is that they do not sound very polite and cannot be used to greet one's superiors. For example, a customer greets a clerk at the store with Konnichiwa or Konbanwa, but the clerk does not return the same greeting; he usually says Irasshaimase (lit. I'm glad you have come).
When Japanese feel Konnichiwa or Konbanwa to be inappropriate, they turn to various substitutes, among which referring to the climate is a very popular one; they often greet others by
J      saying that it is very cold, or hot, or that it has
|      been raining a great deal.
16
17
Doomo (Indeed)
One word that bothers Mr. Ernest Lerner now is doomo. English-Japanese dictionaries give "indeed" and "somehow" as definitions for it, but he suspects that its actual usage covers a much wider range.
The people at his office, for instance, use doomo for many other purposes. They say Kinoo-wa, doomo (lit. Indeed yesterday) when they meet; they say just Doomo to thank others and to apologize. They also say Ja, doomo when they part.
Doomo is used to cut answers short, too. When Mr. Lerner asked Mr. Takada how his study of English was going, he said Doomo-nee. He did not mean that his English had made great progress; he meant just the opposite.
Probably most Japanese do not realize how often they use, or overuse, this word. Doomo literally means "in all ways," or "no matter how I look at it." Actually it is used to mean various things. There are two very common uses of doomo — as a social expression and as an indication of negative judgment.
As a social expression it is used by itself to mean   "Thank you,"   "Sorry,"   "Excuse me,"
"Thank you for coming," "Sorry to take your time," to mention just a few. The last two are equivalent to "Hello" and "Good-bye" respectively. In these expressions the part that follows doomo is left out; for example in the case of Doomo arigatoo-gozaimasu, arigatoo-gozaimasu is understood.
The second usage is also very common. If you ask someone a question and he just says Watashi-wa doomo. . . (lit. I somehow. . .) in a hesitant tone, he means that he does not know the answer. Or if you ask someone's opinion about something and the reply is Doomo. . . or Doomo-nee, it means that he feels negatively about it; Mr. Takada used doomo in this way when Mr. Lerner asked him about his study of | English.
J Doomo changes its meaning depending not
only on the situation but also on the tone in which
1      it is spoken. If you pronounce it quickly, it sounds
I casual. (Some people say Doomo, doomo quickly in greeting people; this sounds very casual and cannot be used when you want to be polite or for-
I mal.) But if you pronounce it slowly, it sounds sincere and polite. In stating negative judgment, it is pronounced in a hesitant, dangling tone.
1
22
23
Shitsuree-shimasu (Excuse me)
The other day Mr. Yasuda came to see Mr. Lerner at his office to discuss some business. Before entering the office, he stopped at the door and said,
(1) Shitsuree-shimasu.
This literally means "I'm going to be rude (enough to enter the office)."
When he approached Mr. Lerner, he bowed and said,
(2) Senjitsu-wa shitsuree-shimashita
which literally means "I was rude the other day (when we met)."
When Mr. Lerner asked him to sit down, he said,
(3) Shitsuree-shimasu
meaning "I'm going to be rude (enough to sit down)."
When he left, he said,
(4) Doomo shitsuree-shimashita
or, "I have been rude (enough to take your time.
Now I'm leaving)."
These four shitsurees mean respectively (1) Excuse me, (2) Hello, how are you? (3) Thank you and (4) Good-bye.
* * *
The word shitsuree itself means rudeness; shitsuree-shimasu literally means "I'm going to do something rude. Please excuse me," and shitsuree-shimashita literally means "I have been rude to you. Please forgive me." Both shitsuree-shimasu and shitsuree-shimashita are actually used to express gratitude as well as apology, and even to say good-bye. Similarly, other expressions such as osoreirimasu, sumimasen, and warui-ne (lit. It's bad) are also used for both apology and gratitude.
Japanese may seem to be apologizing all the time, and this custom might irritate foreigners as being overly formal or even hypocritical. But Japanese themselves do not think that they are using the same expression for different purposes; to their mind, to apologize for being rude and to thank someone for his kindness are not two different things, but rather something like two sides of a coin.
Therefore, we would like to conclude this short article by saying,
Shitsuree-shimashita.
(Thank you very much for reading it. sorry we took your time.)
We're
30
31
Senjitsu-wa gochisoosama-deshita (Thank you for the treat the other day)
The other day Mr. Lerner met Mr. Saito after about two months. Mr. Saito greeted him by I saying,
3
Senjitsu-wa gochisoosama-deshita. (Thank you for the treat the other day.)
Mr. Lerner was surprised that Mr. Saito referred to their previous meeting that had taken place quite a while before; and he was even more surprised wh^n he remembered that he had only bought him a cup of coffee at a coffee shop. It did not seem to be worth Mr. Saito's expressing gratitude again after two months.
But when he started thinking about it, he realized that almost everyone said the same thing as Mr. Saito had. He could not help wondering if one has to have a good memory in order to be polite in Japan.
* * * The answer to Mr. Lerner's question is yes. A Japanese has to remember and express gratitude fQr the favors received at the last meeting. You might think it is not necessary because you already thanked him adequately at the time, but |
it is customary to do so in Japan and is bad manners not to do so.
This custom may give you the impression that Japanese are overly conscious of the money they spend to treat others, but that is not the case. It is important to remember your meeting and having a good time together rather than who treated whom. You should refer to the previous meeting even when there was no giving and receiving of favors; in such cases you are supposed to say
Senjitsu-wa shitsuree-shimashita.
(I was rude the last time we met.)
instead of Senjitsu-wa gochisoosama-deshita. What really counts is to show that you and the listener remember sharing the same experience; the memory of having the same experience helps to establish good relations between the two of you. Japanese consider it essential to start by establishing good relations before getting down to business. That is why this expression is used as a greeting when an English-speaking person would say "How have you been?" or just "Hello."
We have heard quite a few Japanese complain that their American acquaintances do not follow this custom: some of them even think it is rude.
46
47
Itadakimasu
(I'm going to receive your treat. Thank you)
A few days ago Mr. Takada asked Mr. Ler-ner to have dinner with his family. They had prepared the New Year's dinner, very colorful and very special. Mr. Lerner decided to be as polite as he could. So when Mr. Takada said according to Japanese custom
Nanimo gozaimasen-ga doozo (There isn't much but please start eating), Mr. Lerner said politely
Itadakimasu.
(Thank you. — lit. I'm going to receive your treat.)
Then everybody else said the same thing and started eating. Mr. Lerner was a little surprised because he had thought that Itadakimasu was used by a guest to thank his host.
Most people say Itadakimasu before eating and Gochisoo-sama after eating even in their own home. Children are trained at home never to forget to say these phrases, and when they go to kindergarten or elementary school teachers rein-
force this training. Some people disregard this custom When they grow up, but others continue to say these phrases even When they eat alone.
Both Itadakimasu and Gochisoosama are expressions of gratitude. This gratitude is directed to everybody and everything that has made the meal possible. Thus they can be used both as an expression of gratitude to the host and as something like saying grace in the West.
When you are asked to start eating by your host, it is proper to say Itadakimasu before eating. And yeii should say Gochisoosama (lit. It was a real feast), or more politely, Gochisoo-sama-deshita, after eating. Then the host or hostess will say something to deny this praise, such as
Osomatsusama-deshita.
(You're welcome. —lit. It was a poor meal.)
It is not Japanese custom to say "I'm glad you liked it."
Another point about Gochisoosama is that it is used as an expression of thanks, not just for food, but also for hospitality. For instance, when leaving a party at someone's home, Americans might say to the host or hostess "Thank you very much. I had a wonderful time," but in Japan, people simply say
Gochisoosama-deshita.
meaning "Thank you very much for everything you did to entertain me."
54
55
Onegai-shimasu (Excuse me)
The other day Mr. Lerner went into a little grocery store to buy some bread. It was deserted; the storekeeper seemed to be in the back watching TV. Mr. Lerner was wondering how he could get the storekeeper's attention when a Japanese woman came in and said,
Onegai-shimasu.
(Excuse me. — lit. Please do me a favor.)
After that Mr. Lerner observed the use of onegai-shimasu and found it to be a very convenient expression to know.
* * *
There are several ways to attract a stranger's attention. You may hear Chotto or Oi being used but these are rather rude.
Moshimoshi is used not only to start a conversation on the telephone but also when addressing a stranger. When you have noticed that someone has dropped something, you may say
Moshimoshi, nanika ochimashita-yo.
(Excuse me, but you dropped something. —
lit. Something has dropped.)
When you need someone's help you can say Onegai-shimasu as well as Sumimasen or Anoo. Onegai-shimasu is used to call a clerk at a store or a waiter at a restaurant.
Onegai-shimasu is also used to mean "Please take care of this for me." When submitting papers such as application forms or bills in a government office, bank and the like, people say
Kore-o onegai-shimasu. (Please take care of this.) They do not usually use the particular verb such as to sign, to accept or to pay. Onegai-shimasu can stand for all these verbs.
Thus when concluding a business discussion one often says
Ja, yoroshiku onegai-shimasu.
{lit. Well then, please take care of it kindly.)
Yoroshiku onegai-shimasu
*5L< dSte/OH/M^cTo
is also used when first meeting someone.
You may still remember hearing candidates saying over and over Yoroshiku onegai-shimasu during last year's general election. They seldom say directly "please vote for me"; onegai-shimasu is enough to convey their wishes and sounds more polite since it's not so direct.
58
59
Itte-(i)rasshai 1\-dT: (U) 5oU^U (Please go and come back)
One morning when Mr. Lerner was hurrying to the station, his neighbor Mrs. Okada who was sweeping the road in front of her house said,
ltte-(i)rasshai.
(Have a nice day. — lit. Please go and come back.)
Mr. Lerner did not know how to respond to this greeting, so he just said Sayoonara, although he felt this was not quite right. Later at the office, Mr. Takada told him that he should have said
Itte-mairimasu or Itte-kimasu.
UoTT3;i^l0 3;^~   or l^T^S^o (Thank you, I will. — lit. I'll go and come back.)
* * *
ltte-(i)rasshai and Itte-mairimasu (or Itte-kimasu) are exchanged in a home when a family member leaves. It is customary for someone going out to say Itte-mairimasu or Itte-kimasu (less polite),   and for those remaining to say Itte-
(i)rasshai.
Those expressions are also used between non-family members when they feel that they belong to the same group. The concept of "group" differs in its range depending on the individual, but usually people living in a neighborhood or people working at the same company are regarded as members of a group. Thus, these expressions are used when a neighbor or a member of a company leaves temporarily.
Sayoonara (Good-bye) is not used among family members unless they expect that they will not meet again. If a husband says to his wife Sayoonara when leaving, that means he is not going to live with her any more.
When a family member comes home, he says
Tadaima.
(I'm home. — lit. (I'm home) right now.) And his family members say Okaerinasai.
(Welcome home. — lit. You have come home.)
In English, people use various expressions when leaving and coming home, but in Japan, set expressions are used for these occasions: such expressions as Konnichiwa (Good day), Konbanwa (Good evening) or Sayoonara are not used among family members.
62
63
Sumimasen (I'm sorry)
Mr. Lerner was invited to dinner by the Ta-kadas last Saturday. He took some candy with him for the Takada's little son. When he handed it to the boy Mrs. Takada said
Maa, doomo sumimasen. (lit. Oh, I'm very sorry), and urged her son to thank him. The little boy said
Ojisan, arigatoo. (Thank you, Mr. Lerner — lit. Thank you, uncle), and then added gozaimasu to make his expression more polite; perhaps he remembered that he had always been told to be polite.
When Mr. Lerner started learning Japanese, he thought that Sumimasen just meant "I'm sorry" or "Excuse me," and wondered why Japanese apologize when they should thank. Now he knows that Sumimasen is used also as an expression of gratitude and that it is used as often, or even more often than, Arigatoo or Arigatoo-gozaimasu. But he does not understand how Sumimasen compares with Arigatoo(-gozaimasu) when it is used to express gratitude.
* * *
Sumimasen.
is used to express gratitude when one feels that one does not deserve a kindness or when one didn't expect it. When Mr. Lerner gave her son a present Mrs. Takada said Sumimasen because she had not expected it (or was not supposed to expect it). If she had said Arigatod-gozai-masu, it would sound as if she had expected it. Her son was too young to feel that way, so he said
Arigatoo.
Many Japanese feel that Sumimasen sounds more polite than Arigatoo(-gozaimasu), but the difference is not simply in formality but in the speaker's psychological attitude. It depends on how the speaker feels about the kindness someone else has done for him whether he chooses Sumimasen or Arigatoo(-gozaimasu).
Suppose you have noticed that someone has dropped something in the street and have called his attention to it. Some people will say Sumimasen and some will say Arigatoo(-gozaimasu) to you. Generally speaking, women are more likely to use Sumimasen than men. There is also a difference in generation in the usage of this expression, as well as other expressions. Young people use Arigatoo(-gozaimasu) more often while older people prefer Sumimasen.
104
105
Nihongo-ga ojoozu-desu-ne (You speak Japanese very well)
One thing recently bothering Mr. Ernest Ler-ner Is that Japanese are too ready to praise his Japanese. When he says Hajimemashite instead of "How do yo do?" to introduce himself, they look surprised; when he says //' otenki-desu-ne (It's a nice day), they say Raanaa-san, nihongo-ga ojoozu-desu-ne (You speak Japanese very well, Mr. Lerner). If someone is complimented on his English for just being able to say "How do you do?" and "It's a nice day," he would feel ridiculed. Being able to say two short sentences or phrases does not mean that one is good at the language.
Mr. Lerner sometimes suspects that Japanese regard foreigners as hopelessly poor at language learning.
* * *
It is easy and comfortable for anyone to talk with those who belong to the same group, but it requires some effort to speak to someone outside the group. This is especially true with people who sharply distinguish those "inside" from those "outside." Therefore most Japanese want to have certain exchanges before they can feel at home with a foreigner. These exchanges consist
of certain questions and answers, or certain compliments and responses. Some typical questions are:
Okuni-wa dochira-desu-ka.
(Where are you from?)
Nihon-ryoori-wa taberaremasu-ka.
(Can you eat Japanese food?)
Nihon-wa nagai-desu-ka.
(Have you been in Japan a long time?)
And a typical compliment is
Nihongo-ga ojoozu-desu-ne.
(You speak Japanese very well.)
These questions and compliments are similar to "How do you do?" in that they are used to confirm that the speaker and the listener are opening communications rather than to gain information.
The Japanese are not always being nosey or flattering; these questions and compliments are very often manifestations of their determination to step outside their own group and approach a foreigner, a step which requires a great deal of courage from most Japanese. The effort underlying this kind of exchange should be properly appreciated. This appreciation will help break up what many foreigners feel as a barrier between themselves and the Japanese.
132
133
Doozo and 'Please'
Mr. Lerner was hurriedly gathering together some papers needed for a meeting, when Miss Yoshida came by, and offered to help, saying
Otetsudai-shimashoo-ka. (Would you like me to help you? — lit. Shall I help you?)
Mr. Lerner said.
Ee, doozo.
meaning "Yes, please." Mr. Takada, who was working nearby, heard this and laughed. He explained that doozo should not be used when making a request. Mr. Lerner felt confused; don't the Japanese say Doozo yoroshiku (How do you do? — lit. Please be good to me) so often?
Doozo is used in making requests as in
Doozo onegai-shimasu. (Please do so.) Kochira-e doozo. (Please come this way.)
But when it is used alone, the speaker is usually urging someone to go ahead and do what he wants to do. For instance, to someone asking
Tabako-o sutte-mo ii-desu-ka. (May I smoke?)
Doozo is often used in reply, meaning "Please go ahead." Or, when offering something to drink or eat, one often says just
DOOZO. £!"5"?To
meaning "Please help yourself."
When accepting an offer of help, however, saying Doozo sounds strange; it sounds as if one is saying "Please go ahead and help me, if you want to so badly." Thus it can sound very rude. One should say instead
Onegai-shimasu. (lit. I request it.)
Some people distinguish between doozo and dooka tirz3^z VS. tfL'ZitJ; dooka is used solely for requests. Sut this distinction is not very common, and dooka is not used in daily conversation as often as doozo.
Thus it is advisable to use Doozo only in making requests, and use Onegai-shimasu or
Sumimasen. Onegai-shimasu.
(Thank you. Please help me.)
when accepting an offer of help.
100
101
Expressing gratitude for help
Mr. Lerner expresses his gratitude by saying Arigatoo-gozaimasu when he is offered or has received help, but he wonders if there are more appropriate expressions he should be using instead.
* * *
To accept someone's offer of help, one should
say
Sumimasen. Ja, onegai-shimasu.
or
Arigatoo-gozaimasu. Ja, onegai-shimasu.
To be more polite, Mooshiwake arimasen or Osoreirimasu is used in place of Sumimasen or Arigatoo-gozaimasu, and onegai-itashimasu for onegai-shimasu. Between good friends, men usually say Warui-ne. Ja, tanomu-yo and women Warui-wane. Ja, onegai-suru-wa.
After some help has been received, one usually says
Arigatoo-gozaimashita.
While Arigatoo-gozaimasu is used before the action of helping starts or during its performance, Arigatoo-gozaimashita is used when the action has been completed. This implies that the action of helping has been completed after a long time or with much effort.
In a similar way, the ta form is also used for apology when the speaker wants to emphasize that an action has finally been completed. For instance, one uses Sumimasen when one feels that he is going
38
to cause someone trouble or that he actually is I    causing someone trouble, but when that is finished, one says
Doomo sumimasen-deshita.
or
Honto-ni sumimasen-deshita.
I meaning "I'ni so sorry that you have been caused I    so much trouble." More politely, one can say
I -
I Makoto-ni mooshiwake arimasen-deshita.
I _   . .
f In familiar conversations Warukatta-ne or |     Warukatta-wane is used.
| After thanking someone for his help, one often
I indicates that it has been valuable by saying things | like
| Okagesama-de, hayaku katazukimashita.
I (Thanks to your help, I could finish it quickly.)
| Okagesama-de ii mono-ga dekimashita.
(Thanks to your help, I could make a good i one.)
Tetsudatte-itadaite, honto-ni tasukarimashita. (Your help has saved me so much trouble.)
I
The intonation of Soo-desu-ka
Mr. Lerner can now make himself understood in Japanese and is improving in his vocabulary and grammar, but he still has some problems with his intonation. Just this morning^ when Mr. Mori, the director of the company, remarked that his golf game had improved recently, he said
Soo-desu-ka. (Is that so?)
It was a very simple sentence, but it seemed to be unpleasant to Mr. Mori. Miss Yoshida, who was with them, later told Mr. Lerner that the tone had sounded impolite because he had raised the last ka sound.
*        * * To make a sentence a question, ka is usually added, as in
Oisogashii-desu-ka. (Are you busy?) This ka is said with a higher pitch than desu as in
So -ka? o-desu
How high the ka is said depends on the speaker's intention. When he is anxious to know the answer he raises the ka very high. Otherwise ka should not be raised too high. And foreigners are advised not to keep going up as in
-ka?
su
-de
o
So
Just the last ka should be raised.
Sentences ending with ka, however, do not always indicate a question. Just like the English "Is that right?", Soo-desu-ka is often said as an answer. When it is used as an answer, the last ka should not go up.
Such sentences should be said as in
So
o-desu-ka.
If the ka goes up, it implies that the speaker has doubts. Mr. Lerner probably unconsciously used this intonation, which sounded impolite. Especially when the ka is said long and raised as in
a?
So -ka o-desu
it definitely indicates distrust.
Ne as in Soo-desu-ne and yo as in Soo-desu-yo are also said either with a falling intonation or a rising one, depending on the speaker's intention. Ne is said high when one solicits agreement, and is raised higher to indicate warmth or anxiousness. Yo is usually said with a falling tone; if you raise it, it will sound as if you are talking to a child.
142
143
Parting from someone you meet every day
Mr. Lerner recently noticed that his colleagues use various expressions when they leave the office, and that Sayonara, which he had thought to be the most common, is actually not used very often. He wondered if he should start using Ja or Osaki-ni instead.
*        * * When one parts from one's colleagues after a day's work, such casual expressions as
Ja (So long — lit. Well, then)
Ja, mata (See you soon — lit. Well, again)
are commonly used. And when one leaves the office before others, one says
Osaki-ni (lit. Before you)
and the remaining workers will respond with such expressions as
Otsukaresama. (lit. You must be tired.)
Toward one's superiors, one says either Shitsuree-shimasu (Excuse me) or
members of a very closely united group, they do not use Sayonara. While Sayonara implies the parting of two individuals, Osaki-ni implies a member of a group leaving the others.
This is related to the fact that Sayonara is never used among family members. Children use it not only to their friends but also to older people because they still do not make distinctions about whom they are talking to. When they grow up, they start using different kinds of expressions for parting depending on the listener; namely, they use Sayonara to their equals and Shitsuree-shimasu to their superiors. And when they join a group of workers, they use either Sayonara or other expressions toward their fellow workers.
There are various other expressions also used for parting. Some people, especially older people or women, prefer such traditional expressions as Gokigen-yoo (Farewell), Gomen-kudasai(mase) (Please excuse me), and Gomen-nasai(mashi) (Please excuse me). On the other hand young people, especially young women, often use Bai-bai (Bye).
You do not have to use many different expressions. Sayonara can be used when you do not have to be polite. But when politeness seems to be required, we recommend that you use Shitsuree-shimasu instead. And you should not use Sayonara to people who treat you like a family member.
Osaki-ni shitsuree-shimasu.
(lit. I'm rude enough to leave before you.)
Some people use Sayonara when parting from their colleagues and some do not; that depends upon how they regard their relations with each other. If they regard their fellow workers as
14
15
Parting from family members
Mr. Lerner went to visit a town in Hokkaido, where he stayed with Miss Yoshida's relatives. When he went out for sightseeing in the morning, the wife saw him off with
Itte-rasshai.
{lit. Please go and come back.) Mr. Lerner responded with Itte-mairimasu.
Git. I'm going and coming back.)
While doing so, he wondered if he could also say Sayonara.
* # *
When a family member goes out, those remaining say Itte-rasshai and the one leaving says Itte-kimasu or Itte-mairimasu. This can never be replaced by Sayonara. We heard about a boy, 10 years old, who wanted a change and said Okaasan, sayonara when he left for school one morning. His mother frantically ran after him and asked if he was running away from home.
Family members never use Sayonara between themselves in any situation. When they meet outside their home and part, they say Ja (Well, then) or Ja, ato-de (Well, then, later). They use these expressions when talking on the phone too. Even when a family member is going abroad and will not be back for years, they never use Sayonara. In fact, family members do not use expressions that mean
parting. One uses Sayonara to one's family members only when he is going to leave forever.
Sometimes one extends this custom toward non-family members. A neighbor may greet you with Itte-rasshai when you go out, and with Okaeri-nasai (Welcome home) when you come home.
A visitor staying with a family is usually treated as a member of that family. If he is coming back to them later, he is greeted with Itte-rasshai instead of Sayonara. Mr. Lerner was right when he responded with Itte-mairimasu. If he had said Sayonara, it would have meant that he was leaving the family for good.
When you are staying with a Japanese family and are treated like a family member, you should use family-like greetings. Even when you are leaving them after your stay, and are not likely to visit them again, it is better to use such expressions as
Ja, kore-de shitsuree-shimasu.
(Well, please excuse me.)
or
Dewa kore-de. (Well, excuse me.)
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