Aristophanes' Lysistrata 51 LYSISTRATA CAST OF CHARACTERS (WITH SPEAKING PARTS) LYSISTRATA: an Athenian woman KALONIKE: friend of Lysistrata MYRRHINE: an Athenian woman, wife of Kinesias LAMPITO: a married Spartan woman LEADER OF MEN'S CHORUS CHORUS OF OLD MEN LEADER OF WOMEN'S CHORUS CHORUS OF OLD WOMEN ADMINISTRATOR: an Athenian special magistrate OLD LADIES #1, #2, and #3: allies of Lysistrata WOMEN #1, #2, #3, and #4: co-conspirators of Lysistrata KINESIAS: husband of Myrrhine BABY: infant child of Kinesias and Myrrhine SPARTAN MESSENGER UNITED CHORUS OF OLD MEN AND WOMEN UNITED CHORUS LEADER SPARTAN AMBASSADOR ATHENIAN AMBASSADORS #1 and #2 SCENE 1 (Setting: The stage building represents the Acropolis, with its central doors serving as the Propylaia, the gated entrance to the Acropolis. Lysistrata anxiously paces before this setting until she speaks below.6) 8. For a detailed reconstruction of the play s staging, see Ewans, M., Aristophanes: Lysistrata, The Women's Festival, and Frogs (Norman, OK, 2010): 227-250. SO Lysistrata9 You know, if they'd been invited to a Bacchic rave,10 Or to Pans11 place or to Genetyllis' at Kolias,12 You wouldn't be able to get anywhere because of all their tambourines.13 But as it as, not a single woman's here, Except for my neighbor who's coming this way now— Hi, Kalonike. Kalonike14 Hello, Lysistrata. Why the frown? Don't scowl like that, dear! Those knitted brows don't flatter you any. Lysistrata Honesdy, Kalonike, I'm so angry I could just explode! I'm so aggravated about us women. To the mens way of thinking, we're virtually Sociopaths— Kalonike Right. We are, aren't we, by Zeus?15 Lysistrata They were told to meet here To discuss a very important matter! They don't show up, and decided to sleep in instead. Kalonike Now, now sweetie, 9. Her name means "Disbander of Armies" in Greek. 10. For the god Dionysus/Bacchus, see Appendix. Lysistrata here refers to religious festivals in honor of Dionysus for women only. In comedy, these are stereotypically portrayed as opportunities for women, once freed from their households and male supervision, to engage in bibulous and licentious behavior. In keeping with the aims of this translation (see Introduction 30-31), I have retained these very specific opening references ("Bacchic rave," "Pan's place," "Genetyllis' at Kolias"). Ewans' (note 8 above) translation demonstrates how these phrases can easily be generalized for a modern performance by his renderings "an orgy," "a sleep-out," "a celebration of the love goddess," respectively. 11. Pan is a lusty rustic deity, at whose grottoes women gathered for festive occasions (cf.911ff.). 12. Genetyllis is a goddess of childbirth (with erotic associations). The precise location of Kolias is unknown, but it was the site of a temple and women's festival of Aphrodite (see Appendix), referred to here for their erotic connotations. For the stereotyping of women as sexually insatiable, see Introductory Essay 43. 13. I.e., tympana, associated with the worship of Dionysus in particular and ecstatic celebrations in general. 14. Her name means "Beautiful Victory." 15. For the Olympian god Zeus, see Appendix. 10 IS 52 HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER They'll show. Getting out of the house isn't that easy for us wives: We're always having to bend over backwards for our husbands, Or having to wake up the maid, or having to put The baby to bed, or bathing and feeding it. Lysistrata Yes, but there are some things they should consider More important than all that. Kalonike So what's up, Lysistrata darling? Whatever in the world have you called all of us together for? What's this business all about? Just how big is it? Lysistrata Oh, its big. Kalonike And hard too? Lysistrata Yes it s hard, absolutely! Kalonike Then why haven't we all shown up in a flash? Lysistrata I didn't mean that. They obviously would have shown up already for that! But this's something I've been examining And bouncing around for many sleepless nights. Kalonike Must be teeny-weeny after all that nighttime bouncing. Lysistrata Teeny-weeny enough that the salvation Of all Greece16 rests in the laps of us women. Kalonike In the laps of us women? Hardly a safe place for that! Lysistrata Rest assured, Athens' future lies with us. Whether the Peloponnesians17 are exterminated— Kalonike I'm 100% percent behind that, to be sure! Lysistrata And every last Boeotian18 is completely wiped out— Kalonike No, not every last one of them! You've got to spare the eels.19 16. The idea of a unified nation of Greece was only an abstract idea ("panhellenism") in the classical period, as the political unit was instead the city-state (e.g., Athens, Sparta, Corinth). 17. Sparta and her allies on the Peloponnese are Athens' chief enemies in the current war (cf. Introductory Essay 39-40). 18. Boeotia was a region of central Greece whose chief city was Thebes. The Boeotians joined the Peloponnesians in the war against Athens. 19. Eels from Lake Kopias in Boeotia were a delicacy; the war has interrupted their exportation to Athens (cf. 702fE). Aristophanes' Lysistrata S3 Lysistrata I won't—knock on wood—utter one bad word About the Athenians. Anyway, you know what I'd say. But if the women all meet together here— The Boeotians, the Peloponnesians, And us—together we can save Greece! Kalonike But what brainy or heroic deeds are we women Capable of? We just sit around all prettied up, Wearing our saffron dresses,20 plastered in make-up, With our Kimberic21 lingerie and six-inch heels. Lysistrata That's exactly it! These very things will be our salvation— The saffron dresses, and our perfume, and our pumps, And the rouge, and our sheer lingerie! Kalonike What on earth do you mean? Lysistrata Not one man of those left Will raise his spear against anyone else— Kalonike By the Two Goddesses,22 I'm dying my dress saffron right now! Lysistrata Nor take up his shield— Kalonike Mmm— I'm slipping into my Kimberic see-through! Lysistrata Nor even a knife. Kalonike That's it! I'm getting some pumps! Lysistrata So shouldn't the women have shown up here already? Kalonike "Shawn up here"7. They should have^Wrc here ages ago! Lysistrata They're true-blue Athenians, dear: you know Our national motto, "always late when it counts the most." Not one single woman from the Paralia,23 Or even anyone from Salamis!24 Kalonike The women of Salamis? They've been busy riding their men's masts since daybreak. 20. An expensive, yellow-dyed women's garment usually worn at festivals or other special occasions. 21. Imported from a locale in Asia Minor associated with exotic clothing. 22. Demeter and her daughter Persephone (see Appendix). 23. A district (i.e., deme) of greater Athens, which is collectively known as Attica. 24. An island in the Saronic Gulf off the coast of Athens. Cf. note 81 below. 54 HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER Aristophanes' Lysistrata 55 Lysistrata And the ones I expected to show up Here first, the ladies of Acharnai25— They haven't come at all! Kalonike Well, Theogenes' wife26 at least Has come here and hoisted her sail. 65 Hey, look! Some of them are actually coming now! Lysistrata Oh, and some others are coming over there! Kalonike Phew! Where are they from? Lysistrata Stenchville.27 Kalonike By Zeus! So that's why they're raising such a stink. Myrrhine28 We're not late, are we, Lysistrata? What do you say? Ouch—silence! Lysistrata I don't 70 approve of Anyone's showing up late for something this important. Myrrhine Hey, it was hard to find my girdle in the dark. But now that we're here, tell us what's so damn urgent. Lysistrata Let's wait a little while longer 75 For the women from Boeotia and the Peloponnese To arrive. Myrrhine Agreed, that makes better sense. Hey, there's Lampito coming right now! Lysistrata Hello, Lampito, my darling Spartan friend! Myrrhine How gorgeous you are, sweetie! so What a complexion, and that tight body of yours! 25. A deme of Athens that had suffered severe losses in the war. 26. The identification of Theagenes (a very common name) is uncertain., but the description of his wife's "hoisting her sail" characterizes her as stereotypically bibulous (cf. note 10 above). 27. Anagyrous was a deme in a swampy area named for a malodorous plant growing there. 28. A common Greek name meaning "Myrtle" that also was slang for female genitalia. t You could manhandle a bull!29 Lampito30 Very much yes I think, by Twin Gods.31 I am exerciser and I jump at my butt.32 Kalonike And that is one fine titty-rack you've got! Lampito Why you feel me up like animal for sacrifice? Lysistrata Where's this other young woman from? 85 Lampito By Twin Gods, she ambassador for you from Boeotia. Myrrhine My goodness, she's just like Boeotia, What with all that lovely pubic land down there !33 Kalonike And I swear by Zeus, That bush34 of hers is so neatly trimmed! Lysistrata And who's the other girl? Lampito Mighty fine lady, by Twin Gods, 90 She from Corinth.35 Kalonike Mighty fine, by Zeus, Is right—both in front and in back! 29. Women in the military state of Sparta exercised in the gymnasium and participated in sports, reflecting a Spartan belief in "eugenics" (strong mothers produce strong warriors). Cf. Introduction 23. 30. A common Spartan name that means "Shining ," reflecting an ancient stereotype of the beautiful and fit Spartan woman (see further Introduction 23). In the play, Lampito and the other Spartans speak a distorted version of their local dialect of Greek (Laconian), which was distinct from the Athenians' own—to them normative—Attic dialect. For all the Spartans in Lysistrata, I have used a form of broken English (as, for example, that in popular comic representations of Russians or a caricature such as Sacha Baron Cohens Borat) that features linguistic slips commonly made in the course of second language acquisition (e.g., improper use of articles, confusion of words, unidiom-atic syntax). In keeping with the aims of this translation (see Introduction 30-31), I have purposely avoided an overly domesticated rendering in, for example, a regional dialect of American English. For Aristophanes'use ofnonAttic Greek, see Colvin, S., Dialect in Aristophanes and the Politics of Language in Ancient Greek Literature (Oxford, 1999). 31. Castor and Pollux, brothers of Helen and known as the Dioscuri, were important warrior deities in Spartan cult. Cf. note 211 below. 32. The bibasis was a competitive form of dance/exercise practiced by Spartan women, in which they vigorously flung their heels up to their buttocks. 33. Boeotia is known for its fertile plains (cf. note 18 above). 34. Literally, the Pennyroyal plant. Depilation of female body hair was commonplace in the ancient Greek world (cf. note 144 below). 35. An influential Greek city-state near the neck of land that joins Athens and mainland Greece to the Peloponnese. 56 HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER Aristophanes' Lysistrata 57 95 100 105 110 Lampito But who's convener of this troop Full of women here ? Lysistrata That would be me. Lampito Tell to us what you mean to say. Kalonike Yes, dear lady, What is this serious business you have for us? Lysistrata I'll tell you soon, but first I want to ask you all This one tiny little question. Kalonike What's that? Lysistrata Don't you really miss the fathers of your children When they're away on active duty? I'm pretty sure Each and every one of you has a husband off somewhere. Kalonike Yes, dear. Mine s been away for five months In Thrace—he's assigned to guard our general Eukrates there.36 Myrrhine And mine s been in Pylos37 for seven whole months. Lampito Mine he sometime come home from regiment, But then he strap up shield and away he fly again. Kalonike And you can't find so much as a trace of a lover these days. On top of that, ever since the Milesians38 betrayed us, I haven't set my eyes upon even a six-inch dildo, Which could've provided me some small comfort in wartime. Lysistrata If I could come up with a way to end The war, would you join up with my cause? Kalonike By the Two Goddesses, I sure would, even if you made me sell This dress of mine for drinking money today! 36. A common name, and so any identification with a particular Eukrates is uncertain. The joke here turns on the expectation of a specific place name in Thrace, a region of northern Greece considered to be barbaric by the Greeks (cf. notes 98 and 137 below), rather than the naming of one of the Athenians' own commanders. 37. A western coastal city on the Peloponnese occupied by the Athenians during much of the war, and still held by them in 411 bce. Cf. 1163. 38. Miletus, a great city of Asia Minor, broke from its alliance with the Athenians the year before the debut of Lysistrata. Miletus was a major producer of dildos, and so this is another example of a deprivation brought about by the war (cf. note 19 above). Myrrhine I'm in, and I'd hack myself in two like a halibut 115 To donate half of me for the cause. Lampito And I climb to top of Mount Taygetus39 To take glimpse of peace from there. Lysistrata Then it s time to reveal my plan to you all: Ladies, the only way we can force 120 Our men to pursue peace Is for us to relinquish— Kalonike What? Tell us! Lysistrata You're on board then? Kalonike Yes we are, even if we must sacrifice our lives. Lysistrata Okay, then: we must renounce dickl Hey, why are you all turning away and walking off? 125 What's with all the pursed lips and head-shaking? What's happened to that shiny complexion of yours? Why the tears? Are you with me or not? What's the hold up here? Kalonike I'm out. The war can just keep crawling on. Myrrhine I'm out too, by Zeus. The war will just have to drag on. 130 Lysistrata Is that so, my "little halibut"? I believe you just now Said you'd cut yourself in two for the cause. Kalonike Anything, anything else—whatever you want! I'd even Walk across fire. Anything except giving up dickl Lysistrata, darling, there's just nothing else like it. 135 Lysistrata What about you? Woman #1 I'd also go with walking across fire. Lysistrata Oh what an ass-fucked bunch all us women are! No wonder we're the subjects of tragedies! What are we except Poseidon and a rowboat!40 39. The highest mountain of Laconia, the region around Sparta. 40. An allusion to a lost play of the fifth-century bce Athenian tragedian Sophocles, in which a woman named Tyro is seduced by the god Poseidon (for whom, see Appendix) disguised as her lover. She gives birth to two sons, Pelias and Neleus, who are exposed in a small boat but rescued by shepherds and ultimately reunited with their mother. 58 HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER Aristopkanes' Lysistrata 59 140 But my lovely Spartan friend: if you alone are With me, we can still save the day. Do I have your vote? Lampito By Twin Gods, is very hard For ladies to sleep by self without the cock. Still, you win. We very, very much need peace. Lysistrata Oh, you darling! You're the only real woman in the 145 bunch! Kalonike But if we actually did renounce what you were talking about— And may the gods forbid it!—would there really be a greater chance Of peace because of it? Lysistrata Absolutely! I swear, If we sat around the house plastered in make-up, ! so And walked by them half-naked in our See-through slips, with our pubes spelling out a delta, And our husbands had hard-ons and wanted to fuck, And we didn't go near them but kept out of their reach, I'm quite sure they'd be in a big hurry to make peace! i55 Lampito Yes, just like Menelaos.41 He get glimpse of Helen s Bare-naked cantaloupes and he toss his sword away, yes! Kalonike But what if our husbands rej ect us, my dear? Lysistrata "Skin the skinned dog," as Pherekrates42 said. Kalonike Toys aren't as good as the real thing. 160 And what if they grab us and yank us into The bedroom by force? Lysistrata Hold on to the door for dear life! 41. An allusion to the myth that the Greekhero Menelaos, having planned to kill his adulterous wife Helen after the Trojan war, was unable to do so after being awed by her beauty; she is similarly described as baring her breasts to him in the fifth-century bce Athenian tragedian Euripides' Andromache (629ff.). 42. Pherekrates was a comic playwright, roughly contemporary with Aristophanes. In the context here, the phrase "Skin the skinned dog" clearly means "use a dildo," but the original sense and context of Pherekrates' saying remain obscure. Kalonike And what if they start b eating us ? Lysistrata You'll have to submit, but do it with spite. There's no pleasure in it for them when they force you. And we'll find other ways to make their lives miserable. They'll give up soon enough. No husband will 165 Ever get his rocks off if he doesn't work with his wife. Kalonike If the two of you are agreed, we're in too. Lampito We will make our husbands to keep Peace the right way, no cheating. But what ab out your Athenian riffraff ? 170 Who gonna keep them from getting stupid? Lysistrata No worries, we'll take care of things on our side. Lampito I don't like, so long as your triremes got sails And your goddess got no end of money.43 Lysistrata Now all that's been nicely taken care of, 175 Since we're going to occupy the Acropolis today. That job is the responsibility of the older ladies.44 While we're ironing things out here, they'll go up there Pretending to do a sacrifice, and then they'll take the Acropolis. Lampito That seem very nice. All you say sound very nice. 180 Lysistrata Then why don't we swear an oath over it all This instant, Lampito, to make things binding? Lampito Show us oath and we swear. Lysistrata Excellent. Where's that Scythian police-woman?45 Hey you, focus! Set your shield down in front of us, upside down. 185 43. Lampito refers to the Athenian treasuries on the Acropolis, thought to be under the guardianship of Athena. 44. Women beyond childbearing years probably enjoyed more freedom of movement in classical Athens than their younger counterparts, as male concerns about the legitimacy of children did not apply to them (cf. Introduction 21-26). Lysistrata's plan exploits this situation, along with the fact that women regularly tended to religious cults on the Acropolis. 45. A comic play on the Athenians' use of male Scythian (i.e., foreigners living northeast of Greece) archers as a kind of police force in the city. At 387, the Administrator enters with an escort of four Scythian policemen. 60 HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER Aristophanes' Lysistrata 61 And somebody give me the severed parts. Kalonike What sort Of oath are we going to swear, Lysistrata? Lysistrata What sort? Exactly the one Aeschylus is said to have had people swear When they sacrificed the animal above a shield.4* Kalonike No, Lysistrata! 190 Not an oath about peace above a shield! Lysistrata Well then what sort of oath do you want? Kalonike We could get a White stallion somewhere and cut a slice off of him.47 Lysistrata A white stallion? Really? Kalonike So how are we going to swear The oath? Lysistrata If you'll listen, dammit, I'll tell you. 195 We set a big black wine bowl right side up, We sacrifice a magnums worth of Thasian wine,48 And we swear not to add any water to the wine bowl.49 Lampito Ooh la la, I like oath more than words can talk. Lysistrata Somebody go in and get a wine bowl and a magnum. 200 Myrrhine My dear lady-friends, that's quite a hunk of pottery! Kalonike Just taking a hold of it could make a girl happy! Lysistrata Let go of it and take a hold of the boar. Lady of Persuasion50 and Wine Bowl of Friends, Favorably accept this women's sacrifice. 46. Hie reference is to a scene in the Athenian tragedian Aeschylus' Seven Against Thebes 42-48. 47. Presumably a sexual joke ("white stallion" = penis?) rather than a serious suggestion. 48. The Aegean island of Thasos produced premium wine. The use of wine, rather than the blood of a sacrificed animal, is appropriate in sanctifying peace agreements. 49. It was considered barbaric to drink undiluted wine in antiquity; for the women's reputed bibulousness, see note 10 above. 50. Peitho ("Persuasion'') is a goddess who is closely associated with Aphrodite in Athenian cult Kalonike The blood s the proper color and is spurting forth correctly. 20s Lampito And it got a real nice smell, by Castor!51 Myrrhine Ladies, let me swear the oath first! Kalonike Not happening, by Aphrodite,52 unless you draw the first lot. Lysistrata Take hold of the wine bowl now, all of you—you too, Lampito! Now one of you, on behalf of everybody, repeat exactly what I say 210 All of you will then swear to abide by the terms. No one, either my lover or my husband— Kalonike No one, either my lover or my husband— Lysistrata Will get near me with a hard-on. Louderl Kalonike Will get near me with a hard-on. Oh, no, 215 My knees are buckling, Lysistrata! Lysistrata I shall lead a cockless life at home— Kalonike I shall lead a cockless life at home— Lysistrata Wearing a saffron dress and make-up— Kalonike Wearing a saffron dress and make-up— 220 Lysistrata So my husband will get extremely hot for me— Kalonike So my husband will get extremely hot for me— Lysistrata Never will I voluntarily give my husband what he wants— Kalonike Never will I voluntarily give my husband what he wants— Lysistrata But if takes me by force against my will— 225 Kalonike But if takes me by force against my will— Lysistrata I shall yield spitefully and just lie there like a corpse. Kalonike I shall yield spitefully and just lie there like a corpse. 51. For Castor, see note 31 above. 52. For Aphrodite, see Appendix. 62 HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER Aristophanes' Lysistrata 63 Lysistrata I shall not lift my pumps up toward the ceiling. 230 Kalonike I shall not lift my pumps up toward the ceiling. Lysistrata I shall not do "the lioness on a cheese-grater."53 Kalonike I shall not do "the lioness on a cheese-grater." Lysistrata Should I keep these vows, may I drink from the wine-bowl. Kalonike Should I keep these vows, may I drink from the wine-bowl. Lysistrata Should I violate them, may the wine-bowl be filled 235 with water. Kalonike Should I violate them, may the wine-bowl be filled with water. Lysistrata Does each and every one of you formally agree to these conditions? All We do, by Zeus! Lysistrata Then I shall consecrate this wine bowl, {drinks) Kalonike Just your portion now, dear! We need to share with each other right from the start here. {noise erupts from the stage building) Lampito What all the hubbub? Lysistrata It's what I 240 was talking about before: The women have just taken Athena's Acropolis! So Lampito: go ahead and take off, And manage things as you see fit on your side, But you'll need to leave these women here as our hostages. {Lampito exits) 2+s We should go join up with the other women On the Acropolis and lock the gates there. Kalonike But what about the men? Wont they immediately march Against us to take it back? Lysistrata No need to worry about them. They lack the verbal- and fire-power 53. A sexual position (cf. "doggy-style"). The crouching lioness with her hindquarters raised in readiness for attack was a common motif in Greek art and on everyday objects such as cheese-graters. To open up these gates:54 250 Only we can do that, and only on our conditions. Kalonike That, by Aphrodite is the absolute truth! If it weren't, We women wouldn't be considered invincible monsters! {The women pass through the Propylaia [i.e., the central door of the stage building] and enter the Acropolis, the setting for the rest of the play. A semi-chorus of 12 Athenian old men enters the orchestra; each member lugs firewood, an unlit torch, and a pitcher of live charcoal.) Leader of Men's Chorus Forward, Draces,55 aching shoulder or not, Lug that load of green olive logs! 255 Chorus of Old Men Ah, a long life holds many surprises! 256-7 Whoever would have imagined, Strymodorus, we'd have to hear 258-9 That women, that sheer flock of evil 260 We pastured in our homes, Have control of the Sacred Image56 And have seized my Acropolis, And have even dared to fasten the gates With bars and bolts! 265 Leader of Men's Chorus Push on to the Acropolis, Philurgos, as fast as you can, To encircle them with these logs here, and I mean Every last woman who incited or partook in this conspiracy! It's unanimous: we'll build a single pyre and with our very own hands See they're all charred—starting with Lycon's wife.57 270 Chorus of Old Men By Demeter, I won't be these ladies' laughingstock, as long 54. The Propylaia, the entrance to the Acropolis, 55. Here and elsewhere the chorus addresses some of its members (e.g., Philurgos, 267). The particular names are typical of old men. 56. An ancient statue of Athena made of olivewood. 57. Lycon was a prominent citizen who is mocked elsewhere in comedy, as also is his wife Rhodia (for her alleged promiscuity). 64 HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER Aristophanes' Lysistrata 65 As I'm breathing at least! KleomenesS8 himself, the first usurper of this place, 275/6 Got away unscathed. Puffed up with Spartan pluck as he was, He departed minus his weapons (now mine!), And wearing only shrunken and tattered rags, And hungry, grimy, unshaven, 280 Unwashed for six years. Leader of Men's Chorus That's how I besieged that fool like a wild beast: We kept guard at the gates, seventeen rows deep. But these women here, hateful as they are to all the gods and Euripides59— Could I possibly stand by and tolerate their chutzpah? If I did, go right ahead and destroy my monument 285 at Marathon!60 Chorus of Old Men Now all that's left is that Tilted trek up to the Acropolis I so eagerly seek. How are we, like asses, to haul this 290 Load up without a single mule? These two logs have made a slope of my shoulders, But march on I must, Keeping my fire bright Without snuffing out the light I'll need at the end of this road. 294a Gak, gak, 2.95 Aw, aw, aw the smoke! 58. A Spartan king who briefly seized the Acropolis in 508 bce at the prompting of Athenian oligarchs. A truce was struck, and he retreated to Sparta, thus marking an important step toward the establishment of Athenian democracy. The old men of the chorus performing in 411 bce could not have witnessed these events, but their political sympathies are revealed here. 59. The tragic playwright Euripides (cf. note 41 above) was mercilessly mocked by Aristophanes as a misogynist, owing to the various powerful and daring heroines of his plays (e.g., Medea, Phaedra, Electra). 60. Commemorating the Athenian-led defeat of the Persians at the Battle of Marathon in 490 bce (again, the men of the chorus could not have actually fought in the battle: cf. note 58 above). Holy Herakles,61 how horribly The smoke leapt up from my bucket To bite out my eyes like a rabid bitch! By all means, this fire's The pure Lemnian62 variety: 300 Only that would have so viciously nipped at my poor eyes! Press on to the Acropolis To save our goddess! Her time of need, Laches, Could never be so dire as now\ Gak, gak, 305 Aw, aw, aw the smoke! 305a Leader of Men's Chorus Thanks to the gods, the fire's alive and well. First we'll put our pair of logs here, And place our torches in our buckets. With those ablaze, we'll rush the gates like rams: If the women don't unbar the gates at our command, 310 The gates will burn and they'll be smoked out. So let's set our load down. Gak, the smoke! Whooh, Any of the generals at Samos63 care to lend us a hand with this wood? At least these logs have stopped pinching my back. Your task, bucket, is to stir up your coals, 315 So I'll be the first to bear a blazing torch. Goddess Nike,64 join our side, so together we can build A monument to female insolence interrupted on our citadel. (A semi-chorus of 12 Athenian old women enters the orchestra; each member is carrying a pitcher of water on her head.) 61. For Herakles, see Appendix. 62. Owing to its volcanic activity, the north Aegean island of Lemnos was proverbial for brilliant fire. In myth, the foul-smelling women of Lemnos murdered their fleeing husbands. 63. Since the year before the first production of Lysistrata, the large Aegean island of Samos just off the coast of Asia Minor served as the Athenian navy's headquarters. 64. Nike ("Victory") is identified with Athena on the Acropolis, where her temple (largely intact today) was part of Pericles' recent building program and so was closely associated with democracy. 66 HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER Aristophanes' Lysistrata 67 Leader of Woman's Chorus Women, I think I spot a flash in all the smoke— 320 It could be fire, so let's move it out! Chorus of Old Women Faster, faster, Nikodike,65 Before Kalyke and Kritylla Become torches, fanned on all sides By vexing winds 325 And by old men bent on murder! Oh no, oh no, has aid come too late? I somehow just now filled my pitcher in the dawn's early light At the well amid a clanging And clattering of pots,66 330-1 As I jostled with maids And slave-girls with tattoos,67 And struggled to lift it on to my head. I'm here to help my fellow citizens, 335 Besieged with fire and bearing water. I hear crazy old men Are prowling about with mountains Of firewood on the citadel like bath-stokers, Belching out the most abusive words 340 About how those female monsters must be roasted into charcoal. Goddess, preserve these women from the flames, So they can save both Greece and their fellow citizens From the madness of war! For this very cause, Golden-crowned 345 Athena Polias,68 they seized your sanctuary. I call upon you to be our ally, 65. As the men in the preceding semi-chorus (cf. note 55 above), the women address some of their members by name. 66. Like wool-working (cf. 493fE), fetching water was a traditional female occupation, even for free women (cf. Introduction 21-26). 67. Runaway slaves were branded as such with tattoos. 68. The women invoke the city goddess ofAthens(= the "Goddess" in 341 and "Tritogeneia" in 347) by an ancient title bearing venerable associations that long predate democratic Athens. Tritogeneia, bearing aid and water, If any of them dares To set fire to that shrine of yours. SCENE2 Leader of Woman's Chorus Whoa, whoa! What's this now? Disgusting men! 350 These are acts no decent or god-fearing men would ever dare! (The two half-choruses face each other.) Leader of Men's Chorus This is a problem we never imagined we'd see: Look at this new swarm of women at the gates coming to help! Leader of Woman's Chorus You're scared of us, are you? You think there's a lot of us now? Why, you've only seen the teeniest fraction of us women so far. 355 Leader of Men's Chorus We're not going to tolerate their blather, are we, Phaedrias? Shouldn't someone crack a log over their heads? Leader of Woman's Chorus Let's set our pitchers down on the ground too. So they'll be out of our way if one of them comes at us. Leader of Men's Chorus By Zeus, if someone had smacked me in the jaw a few times 360 (Just like happened to Boupolos69), we wouldn't have to listen to them now! Leader of Woman's Chorus Here you go: take your best shot. I'll just stand here and take it. But please note that this will be the last time any bitch yanks your balls off! Leader of Men's Chorus Shut up or I'll tan your ugly-ass old hide! 69. Bupolos was a sculptor who was verbally attacked and driven to suicide by the sixth-century bce poet Hipponax. 68 HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER Aristophanes' Lysistrata 69 Leader of Woman's Chorus If you so much as come near 365 Statyllis and lay a finger on her— Leader of Men's Chorus And what if I give you a knuckle-sandwich? Got a smart answer for that? Leader of Woman's Chorus I'll rip out your lungs and entrails and then viciously chew them up. Leader of Men's Chorus What poet has ever said it better than Euripides:70 "Could there exist a creature more shameless than a woman?" Leader of Woman's Chorus Let s pick up our water pitchers, 370 Rhodippe. Leader of Men's Chorus What are you here for with that water, you god-forsaken bitch! Leader of Women's Chorus And what are you here for with that fire, worm-food? Gonna torch yourself? Leader of Men's Chorus Clearly I'm here to build a pyre and roast your friends. Leader of Women's Chorus Clearly, I'm here to drench that pyre of yours with this. Leader of Men's Chorus Drench my pyre? Leader of Wom-375 en's Chorus As you'll soon see in person. Leader of Men's Chorus I'm thinking I should broil you with this here torch of mine. Leader of Women's Chorus Any chance you've got some soap? I'd love to give you a nice bath. Leader of Men's Chorus You bathe me, you old hag? Leader of Women's Chorus A pre-nuptial bath, my dear. Leader of Men's Chorus Such arrogance! Leader of Women's Chorus Well, I'm not a slave. 70. See notes 41 and 59 above (369 maybe a quote from a lost play of Euripides). Leader of Men's Chorus I'll shut that yapper of yours up soon enough. Leader of Women's Chorus Still think you're judge and jury?71 380 Leader of Men's Chorus Set her hair on fire! Leader of Women's Chorus Just the job for Acheloos72 here! (douses them) Leader of Men's Chorus No! Shit! Leader of Women's Chorus Not too warm was it? Leader of Men's Chorus Yeah right, too warm—now, stop it! Hey, what are you doing? Leader of Women's Chorus I'm watering you, so you'll grow up to be big and strong. Leader of Men's Chorus My growth spurt s long over, and now I'm just trembling. 385 Leader of Women's Chorus Since you've got all that fire, why not heat yourself up some? SCENE 3 (The Administrator enters with two slaves wielding crowbars and four Scythian policemen.) Administrator73 Yet another flare-up of female decadence. Complete with tambourines, nonstop "Sabizioses,"74 And this Adonis cult75 on the rooftops!76 It came down just like this in the Assembly once: 390 71. Jurors in democratic Athens received a small fee for jury service; impecunious old men seem to have relied on jury service for income. Cf. 620ff. 72. The longest river in Greece, quasi-proverbial for water in general. 73. The Administrator is one the 10 Probouloi invested with extraordinary powers to govern Athens in its current state of emergency (cf. Introductory Essay 39). 74. An eastern god whose ecstatic cult had recently been introduced into Greece. 75. Another eastern god (cf. note 74 above), in myth the short-lived consort of Aphrodite. In Athens, his cult was celebrated by women (privately and outside traditional civic religion), who ritually mourned his death on rooftops. 76. The usual setting for celebrations of Adonis (cf. Samia, note 18). 70 HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER Demostratos77 (may he be forever screwed!) was advising us To send the expedition to Sicily as his wife's dancing And yelling "Poor Adonis." He proceeded to move That we enlist recruits from Zakynthos,78 395 As his wife, now quite drunk on the rooftop, Says, "Mourn for Adonis !"79 But he just kept pushing his motions, Filthy, godforsaken member of the Wing-nut family that he is. This is just the sort of unbridled behavior you can expect from women! Leader of Men's Chorus You don't know the half of it! Care to hear how depraved they are? On top of every other imaginable outrage, they dumped their 400 pitchers On us! Now we've got to squeeze-dry Our clothes just like we do when we pee in them. Administrator I swear by Salty Poseidon,80 we men do reap what we sow! Seeing as we're facilitators of our wives' 405 Wickedness and teach them how to be decadent, Is it any wonder such plots as these are popping up among them? Are we not guilty of going to the craftsmen's district and saying, "Goldsmith, regarding that necklace you made my wife: She was, as they say, getting down the other night 410 And the connecting-rod slid right out of the hole. 77. An advocate of the disastrous Athenian naval expedition launched against Syracuse in Sicily in 415 bce: see further Introductory Essay 39-40. 78. An island west of mainland Greece, an ally of Athens throughout the Peloponnesian War. 79. For the thesis that the women in Lysistrata are metaphorically conducting an Adonis celebration on the Acropolis, see Reitzammer, L., "Aristophanes' Adoniazousai" Classical Antiquity 27 (2008): 282-333. 80. For the god Poseidon, see Appendix. Aristophanes' Lysistrata 71 I'm just about to sail over to Salamis,81 So if you've got some time this evening, please do Go see her and jam that rod right back into the hole." Or one of us goes to the sandal-maker, who happens to be A young stripling with a full-grown tree trunk between his legs, 415 And says, "I've got a job for you: a tight thong's Been pinching the rim of my wife's foot. Its a tender area, but could you stop by our place Around noon and stretch things out for me down there?" These antics have gotten us to where we are. 420 And here I am, an Administrator who has procured Timber for boat-oars and have come now to get funds for that— Here I am, locked outside the gates by these women! No point in just standing around: get me some crowbars, {to one of his slaves) So I can put an end to their insolence once and for all. 42s What's with the mouth-breathing, loser? Why are you gawking? Did I tell you to go looking for a bar or for crowbars'? Now let's slide the crowbars under the gates: You pry from there, and I'll pry at the same time from here. (Lysistrata enters from the stage building.) Lysistrata Stop that right now, 430 I'm coming out on my own. Why the crowbars? We don't need muscle, we need smarts and common sense. Administrator Really, you filthy thing? Where's a policeman? Grab her and tie her hands behind her back! Lysistrata I swear by Artemis,82 if this "public servant" 435 Lays a single finger on me, you'll have to listen to him cry! Administrator Scared, are you? (to second policeman) Help him grab her By the waist and tie her up this instant! 81. Cf. 59-60. Mention of Salaminian-style oarsmanship may also suggest a sexual position, that of "women on top." 82. For the goddess, see Appendix. 72 HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER Aristophanes' Lysistrata 73 Old Lady #1 I swear by Pandrosos,83 if you so much as 440 Touch her, I will beat the living shit out of you! Administrator Beat the living shit out of me, will you? I need another policeman. (to third policeman) Tie up our trash-talking friend here first! Old Lady #2 I swear by the Bringer of Light,84 if you lay A single finger on her, you'll be wearing an eye-patch in no time! Administrator What's all this now? I need a cop. Grab her 445 (to fourth policeman). This'U be the end of at least one of your forays. Old Lady #3 I swear by Tauropolos,85 if you come close to her, I'll tear out your hair and make it scream! Administrator Damn! Now I'm screwed: that's the last of my cops! 450 But women must never have the upper hand Over us men! Scythians, take up your positions and Engage them! Lysistrata By the Two Goddesses, you'll soon see We have four companies of our own inside, Each made up of combat-ready warrior-women! 455 Administrator Scythians, twist their arms behind their backs! Lysistrata Allied guard of women, come forward, and on the double! All ye soup-and-vegetable-selling offspring of the market, Dive-owning sellers of garlic and bread, Tear at them! Pommel them! Smite away! Assault them with the raunchiest words in your arsenal! 460 ( The Scythians exit at the advance of the women-warriors.) Whoa! Disengage! No plundering now! 83. Daughter of the legendary Athenian King Cecrops; she was worshipped on the Acropolis as a hero. 84. Phosphorus, epithet of both Artemis and Hekate. Hekate is an old and complex deity, associated with (among other things) magic, the moon, and crossroads. Athenian worshippers offered her cakes with small (lit) torches on top. 85. Epithet of Artemis. 1 administrator Pitiful! My police-bodyguard's been crushed! Lysistrata What were you expecting? That you'd be fighting Against some slave girls? Or were you assuming women don't have Enough spunk for war? Administrator By Ap olio, I know you re 465 Full of spunk—when you're drinking in bars! Leader of Men's Chorus Why squander all these words, Administrator of this land? Why even bother wrangling with these creatures? You're aware of the bath they just gave us, Fully clothed as we were and without any soap! 470 Leader of Women's Chorus You, sir, must not engage in random acts of violence against Your neighbors. Do it again and you're looking at a pair of black eyes. I'd prefer to be sitting around at home like a proper young lady Causing no trouble whatsoever, not bothering so much as a flea. But if someone provokes me by raiding my nest, I'm all wasp. 475 Chorus of Old Men O Zeus, tell us what we are to do with these beasts! 476-7 We simply cannot take any more of this, So let's investigate what's happened here together: What possible motive drove them 480 To seize Kranaos'86 citadel, And our Acropolis, a lofty and hallowed area Not open to all. Leader of Men's Chorus Question her with extreme prejudice and scrutinize her every word! It's our disgrace if acts of this nature go unprosecuted! 485 Administrator Very well, then. Now the first thing I want to hear from them, damn it all, Is just what their motive was in locking down our Acropolis. 86. Legendary Athenian king. 74 HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER 490 49S 500 Lysistrata It was to keep the treasury safe from you and your war. Administrator You think we're at war because of the money in there? Lysistrata Yes, and that's led To the whole mess here. And the desire to steal it caused Pisander87 And the other career politicians to always be stirring up trouble. They can Stir up as much trouble as they want, but now they can't get the money. Administrator What are you going to do? Lysistrata You have to ask? We're going to manage the treasury. Administrator You7. Manage the treasury? Lysistrata What's so weird about that? Don't you put us all in charge of household finances? Administrator That's not the same thing! Lysistrata Why not? Administrator Because these are military finances! Lysistrata But why s there a war in the first place? Administrator National security—so we can protect ourselves! Lysistrata We'll protect you. Administrator Youl Lysistrata Yup. We sure will. Administrator That's absurd! Lysistrata We'll be your saviors, whether you like it or not. Administrator Disgusting! Lysistrata Infuriated now, are you? Well, that won't stop us. Administrator By Demeter, this simply isn't right! Lysistrata We're saving you nonetheless, friend. Administrator But I don't wanna be saved. Lysistrata All the more reason to do it. 87. A contemporary political figure depicted as corrupt by Aristophanes, he was instrumental in establishing "The Four Hundred," an oligarchical council that temporarily seized power in Athens later in 411 bce. Aristophanes' Lysistrata 75 Administrator Since when do you care about war and peace? Lysistrata Allow me to explain. Administrator Chop-chop, or you're in for a lot of pain. Lysistrata Listen up. And how about keeping those fists of yours down? Administrator I really can't— Managing my anger is quite a challenge. Old Lady #1 Then you're in for some serious pain! Administrator Keep cawing away at yourself, you old hag. I want to hear from this one. Lysistrata Certainly. Up until now, we—as respectable women should do— Quietly put up with whatever you men did. And just because you didn't let us make a peep doesn't mean we liked it. We knew full well what you were up to, and though we were cooped up in the house, We'd often hear about some important political business you'd messed up. Though we were hurting inside, we'd put on a smile and ask, "Any decision about an amendment to the peace treaty At the assembly today?"88 "How s that your business?," my husband89 would say. "How about shutting up?" And I shut up. Old Lady #1 I never would have! Administrator And you'd be worse for wear if you hadn't. Lysistrata Precisely why I shut up. Later, we'd hear about some even greater blunder of yours and we'd ask, "Why are you managing affairs of state like such a moron, my husband?" 88. In 418 bce, the Athenian Assembly had altered the text of a peace treaty (= the Peace of Nikias, 421 bce) to indicate that the Spartans had broken the treaty. 89. Apart from the mention of her husband here, the Athena-like Lysistrata elsewhere— in contrast to the other women—does not appear to be married (is she to be thought of as a war widow?). 505 510 S15 76 HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER Aristophanes' Lysistrata 77 Instantly I'd get that icy stare, and he'd tell me I'd better get back to my knitting, If I didn't want a serious head-cracking. "War is men's work,"90 520 he'd say. Administrator He got that right, damn it! Lysistrata How's that, my unfortunate friend? So our advice wasn't needed when you'd messed everything up? But then we heard you publicly saying right in the streets, "There isn't a man left in this land." And someone else answering, "No, not a single one, by Zeus!" After hearing that, we immediately decided to gather together 525 as women Committed to saving Greece. We saw no reason to wait any longer. We have useful advice to share with you, if you'll take your turn at listening. So if you shut up as we did, we can set you straight on things. Administrator You set us straight? This is absurd and intolerable! Lysistrata Shut up! Administrator Me shut up for you, you detestable beast 530 with a veil On your head! I'll kill myself before that happens! Lysistrata If it's just the veil That's holding you back, take mine here and keep it. Now put it on your head— And shut up! 535 Old Lady # 1 And take this sewing basket here to o. Lysistrata Now pull up your skirt, chew some beans, And start sowing: "War is women's work."91 90. A quotation of Homer, Iliad 6.492, where the Trojan warrior Hector dismisses his wife Andromache's concerns for him as he departs for battle, and instructs her to return to her wool-making. Cf. Introductory Essay 42-43. 91. Cf. note 90 above. f iLeader of Women's Chorus Jump up and away from your pitchers, women, so we too Can take our turn in bringing help to our friends. 540 ■Chorus of Old Women Never will I tire of dancing, 541-2 Never will my knees give in to weariness and fatigue! For virtue's sake, I'll take on any task With women such as these: 545 They've got gifts, charm, pluck, Smarts, patriotic spirit, And common sense! Leader of Women's Chorus Most manly of grannies and thorny mommies, Stay the course, and let anger guide you forth: the wind's behind you. 550 Lysistrata So long as sweet Eros92 and Cyprian93 Aphrodite Inspire desire in our thighs and breasts, And engender prolonged passion and raised clubs in our husbands. We'll one day be called Lysimaches94 among the Greeks. Administrator For doing what? Lysistrata First of all, we'll put a stop to the crazies sss Shopping in the market in full armor. Old Lady #1 By Paphian95 Aphrodite! Lysistrata These days, you'll find them strutting around the market in arms— In the pottery and vegetable stalls alike, as if they're Korybants\96 92. Eros is a personified god of desire/love. 93. I.e., "of Cyprus" (the large eastern Mediterranean island), a traditional epithet of Aphrodite, suggesting her possible eastern origins. 94. For the idea that Lysistrata in name and bearing recalls Lysimache, the (historical) priestess of Athena Polias whose name similarly means "Disbander of Battle," see Introductory Essay 43-44. 95. Paphos is a city-state on the island of Cyprus (see note 93 above), the site of a major sanctuary and cult of Aphrodite. 96. Mythic figures associated with ecstatic dancing in armor and madness. 78 HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER Administrator By Zeus, men must be men! Lysistrata But what's more ridiculous Than some dude with a Gorgon-emblazoned97 shield buying sardines? Old Lady #1 Damn straight! I actually saw a cavalry captain with longhair ride into The market on horseback and have an old lady slop gruel into his helmet! Another guy a Thracian who was rattling his shield and spear like he was Tereus,98 Terrified the fig-seller and then inhaled all her figs! Administrator The cities are all tied up in a big ball of confusion: how can you possibly Unravel this mess ? Lysistrata It's very simple. Administrator Oh, really? Do show me how. Lysistrata Think of a ball of wool that's all tangled. You take a hold of it like this, And using your spindles you gently draw out the strands, one this way, one that. That's exactly how we'll untangle this war, if we're given a chance: We'll send ambassadors—one this way one that—to unravel it all. Administrator How moronic! You really think you can put a stop to this horrible predicament We're in with yarn and spindles? Lysistrata Absolutely. And if you weren't such a moron, You'd manage all our city's affairs on the model of our wool-working. 97. The frightening Gorgon monster was a common motif on shields, ridiculously incongruous here in the case of the shopping warrior, who neatly satirizes hellicose Athenian patriots. 98. A savage mythical king of Thrace: see notes 36 above and 137 below. Aristophanes' Lysistrata 79 F Administrator I'd love to see how. Lysistrata Suppose the city's a great big shorn fleece. First you dunk it in a bath to get rid of all the sheep pooh. Lay it out on a bed And pound out the rabble-rousers and extract the burrs. As for the sticky ones who are always glomming onto public office: Card them out thoroughly and give their heads a good plucking. Then card the remaining wool into a basket of solidarity, with everyone Harmoniously mixed in together. Include resident aliens, friendly foreigners, And even those in hock to the public treasury—toss them all in too! And absolutely do not forget about all the colonies we founded: Consider them to be flocks of wool laid out separately From one another. And then take each and every flock of them, Bring them here, roll them all together into a mass And create a giant ball of wool. Finally take it and weave a new cloak for the people. Administrator Horrible the way these women blather on about pounding, balls of wool, etc., When they take no part in the war. Lysistrata I b eg to differ, dirtbag! We do more than our share here! First of all, we gave birth to sons And then sent them off to war— Administrator Shush! D on't dredge up past sorrows.99 99. Perhaps with reference to the recently failed Sicilian Expedition (see Introductory Essay 39 and notes 159 and 174 below), but the war had been dragging on for many years and most audience members probably had lost loved ones in any of various conflicts. 80 HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER Lysistrata Secondly, when we deserve to be having some fun in our prime, All these campaigns mean we're sleeping alone. And putting aside our situation, What about the young girls growing old in their rooms? It's sad. Administrator And men don't get old too? Lysistrata Now that's not the same thing at all. A grizzled and gray man can find a young bride the instant he's 595 back from war. A woman's prime is short-lived: if she doesn't make use of it, No one wants to marry her and she sits at home hoping for good omens.100 Administrator But any man who's boner-capable— Lysistrata Oh, why don't you just go off and die? 600 Here's a plot of land. You buy the coffin. And I'll make you a nice honey-cake,101 And here, take this for a wreath. Old Lady #1 And here, take these ribbons. Old Lady #2 And this crown is all yours. 605 Lysistrata That should do it. Anything else? Off to the boat. Charon's102 calling for you, And here you are making him late. Administrator It's absolutely outrageous for me to be subjected to this! So help me Zeus, I'm marching straight over to my fellow Administrators 6io To show them in person what you've done to me. (exits) Lysistrata You're not going to complain to them about our little funeral, are you? 100. I.e., omens portending marriage. 101. The cake is to placate Cerberus, the three-headed guardian of the traditional underworld. The women here comically prepare the elderly Administrator for burial, as was the duty of Athenian women in real life (cf. Introduction 23-24). 102. The ferryman who takes the souls of the dead across the River Styx. Aristophanes' Lysistrata 81 But enough of that: two days from now, at the crack of dawn You'll get your third day rites from us. (The women, including Lysistrata, exit through the central door of the stage-building, which represents the Propylaia, the gated entrance to the Acropolis.) Leader of Men's Chorus It's time for every free man to be awake now! We must strip down, men, and face the current crisis, (they remove their cloaks) Chorus of Old Men I seem to have caught the scent Of something much bigger than meets the eye here. The most prominent smell is that of Hippias'103 tyranny. I'm also quite afraid that certain Spartan men Have sneakily banded together at Cleisthenes'104 house To incite our godforsaken women to seize our money And my sustenance—my jury pay!105 Leader of Men's Chorus Outrageous, isn't it? That they should admonish us citizens now And, despite their being women, blather on about the weapons of war! And the idea that they'd try to reconcile us with the men of Sparta, Who are about as trustworthy as a starved wolf! Men, all they've woven here is a plot against us, and one that aspires to tyranny. They won't make me their subject. I'll be on guard, And "I'll bear my sword in a branch of myrtle."106 615 618-9 620 625 630 103. The last of the Athenian tyrants (Peisistratidai), expelled in 510 bce. Cf. note 107 below. 104. Frequently mocked as effeminate in Aristophanes. For the stereotypical view of a Spartan preference for anal sex, cf. notes 175 and 185 below. 105. See note 71 above. 106. A quotation from a popular song praising the tyrant-slayers (see note 107 below). 82 hysterical laughter Aristophanes' Lysistrata 83 I'll do my shopping in the market in full arms, right next to Aristogeiton.107 I'll stand next to him like this (strikes a pose). Which reminds me: 635 I should belt this godforsaken old bag right in the jaw. Leader of Women's Chorus Go ahead: even your mom won't recognize you when you get home. All right ladies: let's put our sweaters down on the ground and start. Chorus of Old Women Citizens of Athens, we'll start with Some useful ideas for the city. I do this out of gratitude for being nurtured by Athens' 640-1 glorious prosperity. At exactly seven years old, I was an Arrhephoros.108 And then, when I was ten, I served as a Grinder for the Foundress,109 And at Brauron I took off my saffron-dress and became 644-5 a Bear.110 And once, as a lovely young girl, I was a Kanephoros111 And wore a dried-fig necklace.112 107. In 514 bce, Aristogeiton and his friend Harmodius killed the Athenian tyrant Hipparchus, brother of Hippias (see note 103 above), but failed to kill the latter and were executed. 108. Each year, two girls (Arrhephoroi) from elite families lived on the Acropolis in the service of Athena Polias (see note 94 above), where they wove Athena's robe (peplos) for the great Panathenaic Festival in Athens. For the evidence of a girl's progression through such religious roles in real life, see Connelly, J.B., Portrait of a Priestess: Women and Ritual in Ancient Greece (Princeton, 2007): 27-55. 109. An important service involving the grinding of corn for sacred cakes in honor of Athena. 110. At Brauron in eastern Attica, girls from aristocratic Athenian families participated in rites and running races in honor of Artemis, in which they somehow became "bears," perhaps as part of their ritual transition to marriageability, which was figured as the "taming" of young girls (cf. Introduction 23). For the cult at Brauron, see further Sourvinou-Inwood, C, Studies in Girls' Transitions: Aspects of the Arkteia and Age Representation in Attic Iconography (Athens, 1988). 111. I.e., "a basket-carrier." Young girls carried baskets as part of various festivals; perhaps the Panathenaic Festival (cf. note 108 above) is meant here. 112. Figs are symbols of fertility. Leader of Women's Chorus That's why offering useful advice is my way of paying back my debt to the city. I shouldn't be denied a say for being born a woman, Especially when my proposals are better than what we've currently got. 650 I've made my contribution: I supply the city with men, The same can't be said of you, you decrepit old geezers, Since you've wasted our paternal inheritance from the Persian Wars113 And don't produce enough revenues to make up for the loss. No, its because of you we're in imminent danger of bankruptcy. 655 Any grunts in your defense? If you annoy me the slightest bit, I'm going to smack you in the jaw with my rawhide boot! Leader of Men's Chorus Is this not the very height of insolence? And to me it looks as if things will only get worse. 659-60 Every man equipped with balls must make a stand! Off with our shirts: a man shouldn't be wrapped up like a pastry. A man should smell like a man from the get go!114 Chorus of Old Men Come on, Whitefeet,115 All of us who went to war against Leipsydrion116 66S-6 When we still had it, Now, yes now's the time to be young again, to sprout New wings all over, and to shuffle off this geriatric coil! 670 113. The spoils of the wars against the Persians (concluded in 479 bce) had greatly enriched the Athenian coffers. 114. The men have already (615) removed their outer garments, as also the women (637). They now apparently strip down naked, and remain so until the women help dress them again (1021). It is unclear if the actors playing the women similarly disrobe at 687-90 or merely threaten to do so; for the thesis that the women bare all, see Sommerstein (2009): 237-253. 115. The meaning of this is unclear (it may simply be a way of referring to foot-soldiers). 116. Location (on Mt. Panes in northern Attica) of a battle against the tyrant Hippias (cf. note 107 above) following his brother's assassination in 514 bce, the memory of which was preserved in patriotic song. 84 HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER Aristophanes' Lysistrata 85 Leader of Men's Chorus If any of us lets these women have the j slightest grip, There'll be no end to their hands' hard work. They'll even go so far as to build ships, 675 So they can engage in naval battle against us, as Artemisia117 did. And if they take up horsemanship, all bets are off for our cavalry. A woman is a creature fond of mounting and riding: The faster you go, the tighter she clings. Consider the Amazons On horseback warring with men, as painted by Mikon.118 680 The necks of them all need to be grabbed, Locked and slung in the stocks! Chorus of Old Women If, by the Two Goddesses, you provoke me enough, 683-4 I'll release my inner sow, and before you 685-6 Can call your goons for help you'll be skinned alive! Leader of Women's Chorus Ladies! Let s take off our skirts, and 687-8 fast (two can play at this game!), 689-90 So they can get a good whiff of how we women are bitin' mad!119 Women's Chorus Just one of you have a go at me now: You'll never enjoy a taste of garlic Or blackbeans again!120 One nasty word from you and you'll have more rage than you can handle. I'll be the midwife the beetle was to the eagle121 (that s you in 695 this story!). 117. A queen from Halicarnassus (a Greek city in Asia Minor) who served as a naval commander on the Persian side at the Battle of Salamis in 480 bce. 118. Fifth-century bce Athenian painter and sculptor whose mural depicted the mythical Amazons invading Athens and its king Theseus. This story took on ideological significance after the Persian Wars as a mythic prefiguration of war between (reputed) civilization and barbarism, but here reflects male hysteria about gynecocracy. 119. Do the women match the men in stripping here? See note 114 above. 120. While the eating of raw garlic was pervasive in ancient Greece, jurors (see note 71 above) were characterized as bean-chewers (cf. modern chewing gum). 121. In one of Aesop's Fables, the beetle takes vengeance against the eagle by destroying its eggs (there probably is a joke here on eggs as testicles). Leader of Women's Chorus As long as I've got my friends Lampito and Ismene, who's Theban upper-crust, you won't intimidate me. You're powerless, even if you do take a vote seven times. Why? Because all your neighbors hate you, loser. Yesterday I held a block-party in honor of Hekate122 700 For all the girls, and invited my friend from next door, A helpful girl I'm especially fond of—a Boeotian eel.123 But they refused to let her come because of your decrees. The only way you'll ever stop passing those is to have Someone grab your leg, lug you away, and break your neck! 705 SCENE 4 (Lysistrata enters from the Acropolis.) O Lady of our allied enterprise, Why do you trek from your castle so grimly countenanced?124 I Lysistrata It's the deeds of wicked women and the female psyche That make me lose heart and pace back and forth like this. Leader of Women's Chorus Tell us what, tell us what! 710 Lysistrata It s truth, the truth it is. Leader of Women's Chorus What spells such doom? Enlighten your friends! Lysistrata It is grievous to say, and still more grievous not to say. Leader of Women's Chorus Keep me not clueless about the woe that has struck us. Lysistrata That tale is briefest to tell: we really need afuckl125 715 Leader of Women's Chorus Ah, Zeus! 122. A polymorphous goddess associated with witchcraft, the moon, crossroads, and the underworld. She was popular among women and her altars and statues often stood in front of private homes. Cf. note 84 above. 123. See note 19 above. 124. 706fF. here mimic the high diction of tragedy and brilliantly culminate in Lysistrata's bathetic announcement at 715. 125. While the sex-strike has hit the "strikers" hard, Lysistrata remains—asexually and Athena-like (cf. Introductory Essay 43-44)—dedicated to the cause. 86 hysterical laughter Lysistrata Why invoke Zeus?126 It is what it is. And realistically, I can no longer keep them off Their husbands: they're all leaving their posts. The first one I caught was beating around the bushes Right over by Pans Grotto.127 A second deserter was sliding down a cable She was clutching. And just yesterday I had to drag Another one down by her hair from a sparrow:128 She was planning to fly over to Orsilochos'129 house! They're pulling out every possible excuse To go back home. Here's one of them now. Hey you, what's the rush? Leader of Women's Chorus I need to go home. It's about my Milesian130 wool: The moths are devouring it right down back there. Lysistrata Moths, right! Get back in here! Woman #1 Oh, I'll be right back, I swear! I just need to spread it out on the bed. Lysistrata Whoa, whoa! You're staying put here and you won't be doing any bed-spreading! Woman #1 So I'm just supposed to let my wool get wrecked? Lysistrata Yes, if need be. Woman #2 Oh no, oh no, not my lovely flax! I left it at home with the stalk unbeaten. Lysistrata Here's another one Going off to beat her stalk of flax. Now get right back here! Woman #2 Please, I promise I'll pound that stalk and then be back super-fast. 126. More paratragic language (cf. note 124 above). 127. See note 11 above. 128. Sparrows have long and various associations with sexuality (e.g., they draw Aphrodites chariot in a famous poem of the seventh/sixth century bce lyric poet Sappho). 129. The identification of Orsilochos is uncertain (a well-known adulterer or pimp?). 130. Another fine export of Miletus (see note 38 above) that would be hard to acquire during the war. Aristophanes' Lysistrata 87 Lysistrata No, no, no! NO pounding! If you set a precedent, All the women will want to go to pound-town. Woman #3 Holy Eileithyia,131 delay this birth Until I'm free of this holy turf! Lysistrata What are you babbling about now? Woman #3 I'm on the verge of having a baby! Lysistrata But you weren't even pregnant yesterday! Woman #3 Well I am now today. Please, Lysistrata, let me go home right this minute, So I can be with my midwife. Lysistrata That's quite a story. What's this hard thing here? (touches her stomach) Woman #3 A little baby boy! Lysistrata By Aphrodite, you clearly have some hollowed-out Metal object there. Let me see. You silly thing! There's no baby in there! That's the Holy Helmet132 you're carrying. Old Lady #3 I swear, I really am pregnant! Lysistrata And so what was this for? Woman #3 In case the delivery started While I was still on the Acropolis: I'd get into the helmet And make it my nest the way pigeons do. Lysistrata Nonsense! That's just an excuse. It's clear what you're up to. You must stay for your helmet s Amprudromia.133 Woman #3 But I haven't been able to sleep a wink here on the Acropolis From the instant I saw the Guardian Snake.134 131. A very old goddess of childbirth. 132. Presumably the helmet from Athena's cult statue in the Parthenon, her main temple on the Acropolis. 133. A ceremony in which an infant is formally welcomed into the household at five days of age. 134. A snake was thought to guard the Acropolis and was pacified by being fed honeycakes. I 760 765 770 775 780 88 HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER Woman #4 Ah, I'm suffering from sleep-deprivation too: It's the owls135—their hooh-hooing's killing me! Lysistrata Enough with the fantasies, you crazy ladies! It's reasonable for you to miss your husbands, but surely you realize They miss you. There's no doubt the nights Are very tough for them. Practice patience, my friends. You won't have to keep this up for very much longer. There's an oracle136 that says victory is ours As long as we don't factionalize. Here, check it out. Woman #3 You tell us what it says. Lysistrata Hush up and I will. "When the swallows137 band close together In flight from the hoopoes and renounce the penis, Evils will cease, and High-Thundering Zeus will turn The world upside down." Woman #3 So we'll be lying on top? Lysistrata "But if the swallows form factions and fly off from The holy temple, there no longer can be any doubt This bird's the most disgusting creature with wings." Woman #3 That oracle left little to the imagination, by Zeus! Gods help us! Lysistrata Times are tough, but let s not give up. Betraying the oracle would be An utter disgrace, my dears. Let's go inside. (Lysistrata and the four women exit into the stage building.) Chorus of Old Men I'll tell you a tale I heard When I was just a boy. 135. The owl was closely associated with Athena and appeared on Athenian coins. 136. Oracles (prophecies) and oracular shrines, while ubiquitous in the ancient world, often were regarded with skepticism by educated individuals. Lysistrata is cynically exploiting the women's belief in them here. 137. This recalls a gruesome myth in which KingTereus of Thrace (cf. note 98 above), once married to the Athenian princess Procne, lusts for her sister (Philomela) and secretly rapes and mutilates her. The sisters exact their revenge by feeding Tereus his son Itys and then morph into the swallow and the nightingale, to be forever pursued by Tereus, now a hoopoe. Aristophanes' Lysistrata 89 1 Once upon a time, there was young man called Melanion.138 784-5 Wanting nothing to do with marriage, he took to the hills 786-7 And lived like a hermit. 788 He had a fine dog, 791 And wove his own nets 789 So he could hunt rabbits. 790 Such was his hatred, he never returned home again. 792 As much as Melanion detested women, 793-4 1 We, sensible men that we are, 795 Hate them no less. Leader of Men's Chorus How s about I give you a kiss, hag— Leader of Women's Chorus You'd have to give up onions first! Chorus of Old Men And then raise my leg and kick you! Leader of Women's Chorus That's some bush you've got there.139 soo Leader of Men's Chorus For sure. Myronides140 Kept a rough patch down there And turned a hairy cheek to all his enemies. Likewise for Phormion. Women's Chorus Now I'll tell you a tale A la your friend Melanion. 807 There was a notorious vagabond by name of Timon,141 808-9 Whose face could be glimpsed skulking in thorny shrubs 810-11 (He belonged to the Furies'142 brood). 138. Melanion is better known in myth for his pursuit of Atalanta (with the aid of the golden apple). His dedication to virginity and hunting here, as also his misogyny, recall the figure of Hippolytus, the namesake of an extant play (428 bce) by Euripides. Cf. note 141 below. 139. For the mens nudity, see note 114 above. 140. Myronides, like Phormion in 804, was a popular fifth-century bce general. 141. Timon, whether a historical or mythic figure, came to be the archetypal hater of mankind and of human society in general. The women's assertion that he only hated men (819-820) is an ad hoc comic distortion to match the men's claim (see note 138 above) that Melanion was a misogynist. See further Hawkins, X, "Seducing a Misanthrope: Timon the Philogynist in Aristophanes' Lysistrata" Greek, Roman, and Byzantine Studies 42 (2001): 143-162. 142. The grim and relentless spirits of vengeance. hysterical laughter Such was his hatred that he withdrew To a deserted spot, Where he fervently cursed the wickedness of men. In this way he joined up with our crusade To despise wicked men of your ilk until the end of time. 819-20 But to women he was most warm-hearted. Leader of Women's Chorus Would you like me to give you a knuckle sandwich? Leader of Men's Chorus No, please—you're scarin me! Leader of Women's Chorus How about a good kick instead? Leader of Men's Chorus We'd get a full view of your snatch.143 Leader of Women's Chorus At least you won't catch a glimpse 825 of any crotch-locks: I may be elderly, But I practice controlled Burning in that area.144 SCENE 5 Lysistrata Hey, hey, ladies! Come on over here Quickly! 830 Woman Tell me what's up! What's with all the shouting? Lysistrata It's a man! I see a crazy-looking man coming Who's being violently pulled along by Aphrodites power! O Guardian Goddess of Cyprus, Cythera145 and Paphos, Stay the hard course thou doth travel!146 Woman Where is the man, whoever he is ? 835 Lysistrata He's by Chloe s147 shrine. Woman Holy Zeus, there is he! Who in the world is it? 143. Cf.note 114 above. 144. Le., she singes her pubic hair with a lamp (cf. modem "waxing''). Cf. note 34 above. 145. Cythera is an island off Cape Malea on the Peloponnese, a cult center of Aphrodite (and said to be her birthplace). For Cyprus and Paphos, see notes 93 and 95 above. 146. A parody of religious language, especially in the obvious double-entendre "hard." 147. Referring to a shrine to Demeter Chloe ( = "Of Grass/Greenery") near the Propylaia. Aristophanes' Lysistrata 91 lysistrata Take a look. Does any of you recognize him? Myrrhine (on the roof of the stage building) I most Certainly do! It's my husband Kinesias! Lysistrata So now your task is to burn and torment him, To tease his dick, and to make a show of affection (or not!), 840 To follow his every wish—except for what our wine-bowl knows we must not do!148 Myrrhine No need to worry. I've got this under control. Lysistrata And I'll stay, To join you in befuddling him here, And slowly roasting him. The rest of you, shoo! (Myrrhine and the rest of the women exit. Kinesias enters with his slave Manes, who holds Myrrhine s and Kinesias baby.) Kinesias149 Ah, ah, damn it all! Such convulsions, 845 Such tension—it's as if I'm being stretched to capacity on the rack! Lysistrata Who's that there inside our lines? Kinesias Me. Lysistrata Are you a man? Kinesias Yes, obviously I am! Lysistrata Then you need to disappear instantly. Kinesias And who do you suppose you are to be throwing me out? Lysistrata The daytime guard. Kinesias By the gods, go get Myrrhine for me! 850 Lysistrata How about that! I'm supposed to go get Myrrhine? And who are you? Kinesias I'm her husband—Kinesias of Paionidai!150 Lysistrata Hello, my darling! Your name is not unknown to us, And we've often heard it mentioned 148. Cf. 209ff. 149. His names means "Fucker" (reflecting an obscene sense of the verb kinein, "to move"). 150. The name of Kinesias' deme suggests the obscene sense of the Greek verb paiein (i.e., "pound," "bang"). To (over-)emphasize the obscenity here, one could call him "Fuckhead of Pound-town." Cf. note 149 above. 92 HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER Aristophanes' Lysistrata 93 855 Because "Kinesias" is always passing over your wife's lips. Every time she handles an apple or egg, she says "Ooh, I'm swallowing this one for Kinesias!" Kinesias By the go ds! Lysistrata By Aphrodite, indeed! And whenever we fall to talking About men, your wife instantly pipes up with 860 "Compared with my man Kinesias, all the others are just boys." Kinesias C'mon now, go get her! Lysistrata Well? What's in it for me? Kinesias By Zeus, there's this (makes an obscene gesture), if you want it. How about this? (offers his money-purse) Whatever I've got on me is yours. Lysistrata I'll go down and get her for you. (exits into the stage building) Kinesias Make it snappy! 865 There hasn't been an ounce of joy in my life Since the moment she left the house. It's agony me for me to go in there, And everything seems so empty. I try to eat, But food gives me no pleasure. All I have left is ... THIS BONER! (Myrrhine appears on the roof of the stage building.) Myrrhine (calling back inside) I love him, I really do love him, 870 but he Doesn't want my love! Don't make me go out to him. Kinesias Myrrhine sweetie-pookins, why are you doing this to i me? Come down here. Myrrhine I absolutely am not coming down! Kinesias You still won't come down when I ask nicely, Myrrhine? Myrrhine You might be asking for me, but you don't really 875 need me. Kinesias I don't need you? All this pressure is killing me. Myrrhine I'm out of here. Kinesias No, please at least listen to your baby here. You there, call for mommy. Baby Mama, mama, mama. Kinesias So what is wrong with you? Don't you feel sorry for your baby? 880 He hasn't been washed or fed in six days !151 Myrrhine Of course I pity him. It's his father who's neglectful. Kinesias Come down here, you vixen—for the baby. Myrrhine What's more important than being a mother? I've got to go down there. Kinesias (to the audience) I can't help it. She somehow looks quite a bit younger to me, 885 And there's something more enticing in her eyes. And when she lashes out or looks down her nose at me, It turns me on and I'm ready to explode with passion! (Myrrhine enters from the stage building.) Myrrhine Aw, my darling sweet little baby with such an awful father! Now let mommy give you a kiss, you sweet thing! 890 Kinesias Why are you behaving so badly? Acting up with Those other women, giving me such grief, And hurting yourself too? Myrrhine Get your hands off me! Kinesias And you've made a complete mess of all our stuff at home, Both yours and mine! Myrrhine I really don t care much about that. 895 Kinesias And you don't care much if the hens are dragging away Your finest wool? Myrrhine Absolutely not at all. Kinesias And what about Aphrodite s sacred rituals?152 You haven't Celebrated them for the longest time. Please come home! 151. The passage of tíme can be loose in Old Comedy: cf. Introduction 7-10. 152. I.e., sex. 94 hysterical laughter Myrrhine Nope, that's just not happening unless you all reach 900 an agreement To put a stop to the war. Kinesias Okay then: if that's what people decide, That's exactly what we'll do. Myrrhine Okay then: if that's what people decide, I'll come back home. But for now I'm sworn to stay. Kinesias Then at least lie down here with me—it's been such a I long time. 90s Myrrhine Absolutely not! But that doesn't mean I don't love you. | Kinesias You do love me? Then why not he down with me, Myrrie-poo? Myrrhine That's ridiculous! Right in front of the baby? Kinesias Well, certainly not! Manes, take the kid home! (Manes exits with the baby) There, the baby is out of our way. Now lie down, please. Myrrhine Now just where, my 910 dear, could one possibly Do that around here? Kinesias Where? The Grotto of Pan153 will work. Myrrhine But how would I go back to the Acropolis in a purified state?154 Kinesias No problem at all. You can clean up in the Klepsydra.155 Myrrhine Then you want me to break my oath, dear? 915 Kinesias Oath, smoath—I'll take the heat for that. Myrrhine Okay, I'll go get us a portable bed. Kinesias No need for that. The ground will do just fine. Myrrhine By Apollo,156 no! 153. See note 11 above. 154. It was necessary to bathe after sex to restore one's ritual purity (i.e., so as to be able to enter sacred space such as that on the Acropolis). 155. A spring on the Acropolis. 156. For Apollo, see Appendix. Aristophanes' Lysistrata 95 I'm not going to let a man in your condition lie directly on the ground, (exits) Kinesias Isn't is obvious how deeply my wife loves me? Myrrhine Here we are. Now He down there while I slip out of these clothes. 920 Hold on, we need a thingamabob ... oh yeah, I mean a mattress. I'll get one. Kinesias A mattress? Please no, not on my account. Myrrhine By Artemis, L We're not doing it on the cords! That's disgusting! Kinesias But how about a kiss first? Myrrhine There you go. Kinesias Ooh-la-la, now get back here with it in a flash! (Myrrhine exits) Myrrhine Ta-dah, a mattress! Lie down and I'll get undressed. 925 Hold on, we need one of those thingees ... oh yeah, a pillow. You've got to have a pillow. Kinesias But I don't need one! Myrrhine But I sure do. (exits) ['Kinesias So what's this make my cockhere? Ahungry Herakles157 at the dinner table? Myrrhine Up, up, up with you! Now, is that everything? Kinesias Yes, it has to be! Now come here, my little jewel. 930 Myrrhine I've just about got my bra unhooked. Now don't forget: Don't you dare deceive me about the peace agreement! Kinesias As Zeus is my witness, may I die if that happens! Myrrhine Hey! You don't have a blanket. IKinesias Really, it's not a blanket I need! What I really want is a FUCK. Myrrhine No worries, you'll get that, just as soon as I'm back. (exits) 935 Kinesias This person and her bedspreads are wearing me down! 157. For Herakles, see Appendix. The joke here turns on Herakles' superhuman appetite. 96 hysterical laughter Myrrhine Up, up, you. you? Kinesias Is this up enough for Kinesias By i Myrrhine How about some cologne?158 Apollo, no, not for me! Myrrhine Regardless, by Aphrodite, I'm putting some on. 940 Kinesias O Lord Zeus, please make the stuff spill out! Myrrhine Put out your hand: take some and rub it on yourself. Kinesias Phew! By Apollo, that does not smell good! And it reeks of more delay and less sex. Myrrhine Look what I did! I brought the Rhodian159 fragrance! Kinesias That's okay. Leave it be, you strange creature! 945 Myrrhine Oh, nonsense! (exits) Kinesias May the inventor of perfume burn eternally in hell! Myrrhine Here, take this bottle. Kinesias But I already have a bottle.160 Just lie down, you beast, and do not bring me Another single thing! Myrrhine Sure, will do, by Artemis! 950 I'm taking my sandals off now. But don't forget, darling: You will be voting for a peace treaty, (exits and returns to Acropolis) Kinesias It'll get due consideration. My wife's worn me down to the bone and wrecked me! On top of that, she got me all pumped up and then let the air out of my balloon! The horror! I've been deprived of the lovliest lady! 955 I've been screwed and now have nobody to screw! Who'll take care of this poor orphan? Aristophanes' Lysistrata 97 Where's that hustler, Fox-Dog?161 (surveys the audience) I need to hire one of his private nurses. Chorus of Men Ah, poor beguiled wretch, your soul Is aggrieved in tragic suffering. 960 And I do pity you—alas! What human organ could endure it? What scrotum, what soul, What testicles, what dong Could survive the torture 965 Of being deprived of a morning fuck? Kinesias O Zeus! The horrible pressure! Chorus of Men Just look at what she's done to you! What an abominable monster! Kinesias No, no, she's sweet as candy! 970 Chorus of Men Sweet ? She's poison, utter poison! Kinesias Okay, she's poison then! O Zeus, Zeus, Please roll her up and fling her round Like a tumbleweed caught up In one of your blasting whirlwinds! 975 Take her aloft and then let her go, So she'll plummet back to earth, And stick a quick and perfect landing On this pommel horse of mine! SCENE 6 (A messenger from Sparta enters, trying to conceal his erection under his cloak.) 158. Perfume is a standard accompaniment of sex in the ancient world. 159. I.e., from the large Aegean island of Rhodes. Rhodes defected from Athens after the Sicilian Expedition (see note 99 above), and Athenian bitterness over that maybe behind the unpleasant characterization of the cologne here. 160. The vessel for perfume (alabastron) is phallic in shape. 161. The nickname of Philostratus, an Athenian pimp. The call for the pimp here perhaps underscores one of the more unrealistic premises of the play—that is, the men could simply seek sexual release with prostitutes or with either their slaves or boys (given the prevalence of pederasty in ancient Athens). As the play's focus is on (re)asserting the importance of women citizens in Athens (cf. Introductory Essay 44-49), we apparently are expected to suspend our disbelief on this point. 98 HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER 980 Spartan Messenger Where is Oldmannery162 of Athen-City Or big Government Cheeses163? I got news for them. Kinesias What are you supposed to be ? A human or a human dick? Spartan Messenger By Twin Gods,1641 am messenger, young buck. I come from Sparta about peace talk. 985 Kinesias Ajidsothatswhyyou'vegotaspearhiddenonyouthere? Spartan Messenger No, by Zeus, no spear! Kinesias What are you hiding from me ? What are your covering up with your cloak there? Case of crotch-swell from the trip here? Spartan Messenger You crazy man, By Castor! Kinesias C'mon, that's a boner, you wily dodger! Spartan Messenger I swear by Zeus, it certainly no boner. Stop 990 blubber-talk! Kinesias So just what is that? Spartan Messenger A rod, Spartan stiffy-staff for walking. Kinesias Yeah, sure, and this is a Spartan walking rod too. Hey, I think I know what s going on, so you can level with me: How are things going for you all in Sparta? 995 Spartan Messenger All Sparta rise up in confusion and allies Have boners too. Is need for pussy. Kinesias Who's responsible for this disaster? Is it Pan?165 Spartan Messenger Not Pan. I think Lampito start it And then other women in all Sparta 162. The Spartan mistakenly assumes Athens has a Council of Elders (Gerousia), as that in Sparta. For the Spartans' dialect, see note 30 above. 163. The ambassador correctly refers to the Athenianprytaneis (i.e., representative boards who oversaw Athenian political assemblies). 164. See note 31 above. 165. For the perennially erect god Pan, see note 11 above. Aristophanes' Lysistrata 99 Line up together like in race 1000 And say "ready, set go—no pussy for youl" Kinesias How are you doing then? Spartan Messenger It hard. We bent way over Like men keeping lamp lit in wind over the Sparta town. Women not let us touch their Sweet cherries 'til we as group together 1005 Make peace treaty to rest of Greeks. Kinesias Now I get it: this whole affair Is a joint conspiracy involving all the women of Greece. Advise your fellow citizens to send ambassadors here With full diplomatic powers to strike an agreement with us. ioio I'll advise our Council to select our own Ambassadors by formally presenting this cock of mine to them. Spartan Messenger I fly away now. You say very, very good advice. (The Spartan Messenger and Kinesias exit.) Leader of Men's Chorus No beast is tougher to tangle with than a woman. No fire, no leopard is as dogged as she is. 1015 Leader of Women's Chorus You've learned that hard lesson, but you still do battle with me. Naughty boy! Why can't we be best friends forever? Leader of Men's Chorus Because I have no plan to stop hating women. Leader of Women's Chorus Stop doing that on your own time, but in the meantime I can t Stand seeing you so exposed. Just look for yourself how ridiculous you are! 1020 I'm coming over there to put your shirt back on you. Leader of Men's Chorus By Zeus, that's a pretty nice thing you've done. You know, it wasn't very nice of me to take it off so angrily in the first place. HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER Aristophanes' Lysistrata 101 Leader of Women's Chorus There, you look much less ridiculous—and like a real man now.166 1025 And if you weren't such a prick to me, I'd have already snatched That beast that's still in your eye and removed it. Leader of Men's Chorus That's what was hurting me. Take this ring of mine And pick it out. Then show it to me once it's out— By Zeus, its been gnawing at my eye for quite a while now. Leader of Women's Chorus I'll do it even though you've been 1030 such a grump of a man. O Zeus! That is some monster gnat living in there! Look for yourself: it appears to be Tricorysian!167 Leader of Men's Chorus Damn, what a relief! That bug's been digging wells in my eye forever, And now that it's gone, I've got a bunch of tears streaming out. Leader of Women's Chorus Even though you've been such a 103S naughty boy, I'll wipe them away And give you a kiss. Leader of Men's Chorus No kisses! Leader of Women's Chorus That's really not your choice. Leader of Men's Chorus Oh, screw you! You're born manipulators! That old saying has it exactly right about you all: "Can't live with or without you marauders."168 1040 But now it's time to make peace, and from now on I'll do you no ill and expect the same from you. Leader of Women's Chorus Let's all take our places together and commence our song. 166. The Greek idealization of the naked male form as seen (esp.) in athletes and artistic representations of gods did not extend to old mens bodies. Cf. note 114 above and see further Bonfante, L., "Nudity as a Costume in Classical Art." American Journal of Archaeology 93 (1989): 543-570. 167. Tricorythus was a swampy area near Marathon where insects no doubt were bountiful. 168. An old misogynistic paradox: cf. Hesiod, Theogony 600-612 and Works & Days 57-58, and Introduction 21-22. (Jhe two semi-choruses unite and address the audience together.) United Chorus of Old Men and Women We're not here, gendemen, To utter so much as a single slander Against a fellow citizen.169 It's just the opposite: We've only good things to say And do, as we've already got More than our share of evils. Instead, let's have every man and woman Speak up if they're In need of a little cash— Oh, let's say around two or three minae.170 We've got it inside, along with sacks for lugging it. If peace ever comes about, All loans will promptly be forgiven— That is, if any loans were actually ever given! Leader of Men's Chorus We're wining and dining Some Karystians171 guests tonight, Their creme de la creme! I've planned a soup, And an ex-piglet of mine Has been nicely grilled Into succulent slices. So come on over today! Be sure to rise early And take a nice bath, Both you and the kids! Walk right in. Don't bother to ring. Proceed inside, Make yourself at home (as if you really were)— Seeing that the door will be locked! 1045 1050 1055 1060 1065 1070 169. Choral songs in Old Comedy in fact often did this. 170. A significant sum, perhaps the equivalent of as many as 150 days'wages of a skilled laborer in the classical period. 171. Karystos was a loyal ally of Athens in the war. Cf. 118 Iff. 102 HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER 1075 1080 1085 1090 SCENE 7 ( The Spartan delegation enters, along with their slaves, its members trying to conceal their erections under their cloaks.) United Chorus Leader Hey, here come the Spartan ambassadors, dragging their beards, And what looks like a pigpen over their thighs. Gentlemen of Sparta! Greetings first, And then please tell us how you're doing. Spartan Ambassador I don't need give lecture 'bout that: You take good look how we doing. Chorus Leader Arrgh! Matters are much more pressing, And the inflammation has gotten even worse! Spartan Ambassador Not speakable—who could say the words? But peacemaker Should come, make peace for us how he want. (The Athenian delegation enters, along with their slaves, its members trying to conceal their erections under their cloaks.) Chorus Leader Ah, look: here are some of our homegrown heroes Making belly-tents out of their cloaks the way Wrestlers do.172 Could be a bad case of abdominal swelling Or an old injury has popped up again. Spartan Ambassador Can anyone say where is Lysistrata? We men are here—see man parts? Chorus Leader The symptomology of both groups is consistent: I take it the pressure overcomes you in the morning? Athenian Ambassador #1 In the name of Zeus, our bones are wearing thin from this! If we don't have a settlement soon, Our only remaining option is fucking Cleisthenes!173 172. Greek wrestlers competed in the nude, and so the point of comparison here is the forward incline of their upper bodies as they seek to gain a hold on their opponent, the objective being to throw him to the ground. 173. See note 104 above. Aristophanes' Lysistrata 103 Chorus Leader If you've got any brains, you'll tuck those things under your cloaks. Otherwise, some Wang-whacker174 may catch sight of you. Athenian Ambassador # 1 You've certainly got that right! Spartan Ambassador By Twin Gods, Is so! We got to put cloaks on again. Athenian Ambassador #1 Hello, Spartans! We sure have fallen on hard times. Spartan Ambassador O friend, our times is very hard too: The men here (pointing to audience) maybe saw us playing on ourselves. Athenian Ambassador #1 Let's focus now, Spartans, and get right down to business: What is the reason for your visit here? Spartan Ambassador We are ambassadors, Here to make settlement. Athenian Ambassador #1 Excellent, so are we. So we should invite Lysistrata— She's the only person capable of reconciling us. Spartan Ambassador Yes, by the Twin Gods, invite Mr. Lysistrata175 too if want. Athenian Ambassador #1 Oh, it seems she needs no invitation from us: She probably heard us. Here she comes right now. (Lysistrata enters from the stage building.) Leader of United Chorus Greetings, manliest of all women! Now we need you to be Harsh or gentle, upper crust or low class, snooty or sweet, 174. An allusion to the mutilation of the herms—guardian statues of the god Hermes (see Appendix) with prominent phalluses found throughout Athens—in 415 bce just before the launch of the Sicilian Expedition (see notes 99 and 159 above). The Chorus Leader suggests that some of the perpetrators of this sacrilegious act, superstitiously blamed (in part) for the expedition's failure, are still in the city. 175. Either a joke about the Spartans' alleged penchant for anal sex (cf. note 104 above) or a jab at a contemporary (effeminate) Lysistratos. 1095 1100 1105 104 hysterical laughter Aristophanes' Lysistrata 105 All this in one woman. You've cast all Greece's leaders under 1100 your spellj All their disputes have been handed over to you to fix. Lysistrata It's easy work if you catch them when they're eager For peace and not sniffing each other out. We'll soon find out. Hey, Reconciliation, where are you? (The personification of Reconciliation enters; the actor176 playing her wears a "naked suit") (to Reconciliation) Take hold of the Spartans' hands first and 1115 bring them here, And don't be rough or pushy about it—you know, That brutish way our husbands used to treat us. Handle him the way wives do their husbands at home: If he refuses to give you his hand, drag him along by his dong. 1120 Go get the Athenians too. Drag them here by any bodily part they offer you. You Spartan gentlemen stand close to me here. Athenians, over there. All of you listen up now: I am a woman and I have a brain: 1125 I'm quite bright to begin with, And since I've listened to a lot of my father s And my elders' discussions, I'm not poorly educated.177 Now that I have your attention, I'm going to ream out The both of you, just as you deserve. The two of you sprinkle Holy altars from a single vessel, as if you were U30 blood relatives. You do this at Olympia, Thermopylai, Delphi, and 176. For the proposal that Reconciliation was played by a woman, see Zweig, B., "The Mute Nude Female Characters in Aristophanes' Plays," pp. 73-89 in A. Richlin (ed.), Pornography and Representation in Greece and Rome (New York, 1992). If the actor, like all members of the cast with speaking parts, was male, what might have been the effects of having him sexually groped in the manner Reconciliation is here? 177. On education for women in the classical period, see Introduction 20-21. 1140 1145 I I could name a lot of other places if I needed to.178 And when we've got armies of barbarian enemies,179 You're bent on destroying Greek cities and citizens. So much for my first point. 1135 Athenian Ambassador #1 My turtle's gonna die if it can't put its head back in its shell soon! Lysistrata Turning to you now, Spartans: Do you remember when Perikleidas the Spartan Came here once and sat down at our altars. And as a pale suppliant of Athens wearing a crimson cloak Begged for reinforcements?180 At that time, you were being Rattled by the Messenians and shaken by Poseidon.181 And Cimon arrived with four thousand soldiers And saved all of Sparta. This is what they did for you: and you in turn Want to overrun the land that came to your rescue? Athenian Ambassador #1 By Zeus, Lysistrata, they're the wrongdoers here! Spartan Ambassador We do wrong yes, but words cannot say beauty of her ass! Lysistrata You think I'm going to let you Athenians off the hook? Do you remember when the Spartans in turn use 178. Lysistrata names three panhellenic (see note 16 above) festivals where Greeks of various city-states gathered to celebrate shared religious and cultural practices. She refers to the famous games in Zeus' honor at Olympia (near Pisa on the Peloponnese), the major festival of Apollo at Delphi, his chief oracular site, and the lesser-known Pylaia of Demeter at Thermopylai (cf. note 193 below). 179. Especially the Persians. 180. Taking advantage of the chaos following a major earthquake in 464 bce, Sparta's helots (i.e., its enslaved population) and the neighboring Messenians revolted. 181. The god (aka "The Earth-Shaker") was believed to be responsible for earthquakes. The Athenian general Cimon was sent to Sparta with a large force, but the Spartans ultimately rejected the Athenians' help, and relations between the two city-states deteriorated as a result. Lysistrata here distorts events in the Athenians' favor. Cf. note 183 below. 106 hysterical laughter Aristophanes' Lysistrata 107 Came armed and annihilated a whole bunch of Thessalians,182 Along with Hippias' associates and allies?183 You were dressed like slaves, And they were the only ones there to help. 1155 They were your liberators that day: They restored Athens' cloak of freedom. Spartan Ambassador I never seen a woman finer. Athenian Ambassador #1 And I've never seen a nicer cunt! Lysistrata Why then, after so many fine mutual favors, 1160 Are you still at war and doing nothing to stop the depravity? Why not reconcile instead? What's stopping you? (Both parties proceed to map out their desires on Reconciliation's body; see further Introductory Essay 42-49.) Spartan Ambassador We willing for it, if you give us back this Round bottomland. Lysistrata Which one, friend? Spartan Ambassador Pylos,184 the gate here. We want for long time and been trying to squeeze way in.185 Athenian Ambassador #1 By Poseidon, you are not going to do 1165 that! Lysistrata Let them have it, sir. Athenian Ambassador #1 Then how can we still stick it to them? Lysistrata Ask them for some other region in return. Athenian Ambassador #1 Let me take a closer look here— okay, first give us the 182. Thessaly, a northern region of Greece, provided cavalry for the tyrant Hippias (see notes 103 and 107 above). 183. As in her account of Cimon and the "liberation" of the Spartans (see note 181 above), Lysistrata exaggerates in portraying the Athenians as being enslaved to Hippias. 184. A strategic city on the western coast of the Peloponnese controlled by the Athenians (cf. note 37 above); pylos = "gate" in Greek. 185. The Spartans' alleged inclination toward anal sex is again hinted at. Pubic Triangle,186 and the Gulf of Poontang187 Just behind it—and how about The Legs188 here? Spartan Ambassador By Twin Gods, you can't have it all, Mister! Lysistrata Let go of it: stop arguing about a pair of legs! Athenian Ambassador #1 I'm going to strip down naked to do some plowing. Spartan Ambassador By the Twin Gods, I gonna get up early to plow poop-furrow. Lysistrata There'll be time for that after you're reconciled. And if you've officially decided on peace, Go back and confer with your allies. Athenian Ambassador #1 Confer with our allies, ma'am? Have you noticed these boners of ours? Won't each and every one of them reach the same resolution we have: We all need to FUCKl Spartan Ambassador All our allies very much want this, By Twin Gods! Athenian Ambassador #1 And, by Zeus, the Karystians189 certainly will too! Lysistrata Very well then. For now, be sure to preserve your precious bodily fluids So we women can entertain you on the Acropolis With all the goodies we have in our boxes. There you must give each other your pledges of trust. 186. The Greek puns on the place name Echinous and the word for "sea-urchin" (suggesting pubic hair). 187. The Malian Gulf here = Reconciliations vagina. 188. "The Legs" here refer to the long walls of Megara, a city-state located between Corinth and Athens, and a former Athenian ally currently on the Spartans' side in the war. 189- See note 171 above. 1170 1175 1180 118S 108 HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER Aristophanes' Lysistrata 109 And then each of you can take his wife And go home. Athenian Ambassador#1 Let s go right now! Spartan Ambassador Lead way fast! Athenian Ambassador#1 Yes, absolutely, as fast as you possibly can! {Lysistrata, Reconciliation, and the delegations exit; the slaves sit down around the central door of the stage building.) Chorus Elaborate throws, 1190 And fancy mantles and saffron robes And gold jewelry, everything I have, I'll gladly bestow on all Your sons, and whoever s daughter serves As Kanephoros.190 1195-6 I invite all of you to take What you want from my things at home. Nothing's been sealed so tight As to keep you from breaking in 1200 And carrying off its contents. Take a good look, but there's nothing to see Unless your eyes are much better than mine. Out of bread and got slaves and a brood Of small kids to feed? 1205-6 Feel free to take some fine little Grains of wheat from my house: A generous measure of these Will grow into a handsome young loaf. 1210 The poor may also come To my house with sacks and bags: My slave will load them down With handfuls of wheat. That said, I must warn you not to approach my door: 1215 Unless you'd like to meet my watchdog! 190. See note 111 above. SCENE 8 (Athenian Ambassador #1 appears from within, pounding on the Propylaia and threatening the slaves spread out before it. He wields a lit torch.) f Athenian Ambassador #1 Open up the door, you! You shouldn't have been there in the first place!191 Why are all of you sitting there? How's about I light you On fire with this torch? (to audience) How played is that? I'm simply not going to do it. But if we really have to, We'll somehow get ourselves through it to please you. 1220 Athenian Ambassador #2 (enters from the gates) We'd be happy to help you go through all that trouble: (to slaves) Get lost or you'll be sadly missing your hair soon! Athenian Ambassador #1 Yeah, get lost, so when the Spartans come out after their dinner, They can easily make their way through here. Athenian Ambassador #2 That's the best party I've ever been to! 122s The Spartans were such a delight, and it turns out We Athenians are quite the witty conversationalists when we're drunk. Athenian Ambassador#1 Fair enough, seeing that we lose our wits when we're sober. If I can convince my fellow Athenians of this, We'll henceforth and forever more do our diplomacy drunk. 1230 As things are now, every time we go to Sparta sober, We instantly find a way to mess things up. What usually happens is that we don't listen to what they're saying, And we each assume all sorts of things they don't actually say, And so we come back here with different accounts of the same events, 1235 But just now everything went smoothly. If somebody 191. The gratuitous threats to the mute slaves onstage here are a reminder of the harsh realities of slavery in a society where it was naturalized. 110 hysterical laughter Sang Telamon when he was supposed to sing Kleitagora,191 We said "bravo!" and swore it was awesome. But look: those slaves are back again. Get lost, you human whippingposts! (the slaves flee and 1240 perhaps exit) Athenian Ambassador #2 Hey, now they're coming out of there! (The Spartan delegation enters from the Acropolis, accompanied by a piper.) Spartan Ambassador Take pipes, my friend, So I can dance and sing Beautiful song to Athenians and us. 1245 Athenian Ambassador #1 By the gods, grab hold of those pipes! I really love watching you Spartans dance! Spartan Ambassador Memory, inspire for this young man Your own Muse, Who knows about us and the Athenians, 1250 How they at Artemisium193 Sailed, godlike, Against the Persian fleet And prevailed, While Leonidas led us 1255 Like crazy boars, I think, Sharpening the tusk, and lot Of foam flowed around our jaws, 1258-9 And lot flow down legs too. 1260 The Persian men as many as The grains of sand. Maiden goddess, Wild Killer of Beasts,194 come here 192. The Telamon and Kleitagora were two very distinct popular songs (the blundering choice is overlooked here in the festivities). 193. Site of a critical naval battle (480 bce) in the Persian Wars, which took place simultaneously with the Spartan general Leonidas' attempt to hold off the Persians with a force of just 300 at the pass of Thermopylai (cf. note 178 above) in northern Greece. 194. Artemis, prominently worshipped at both Athens and Sparta. Aristophanes' Lysistrata 111 For peace treaty. Keep us friends for long time. And now let friendship always be smooth Because of pact, and let us not be wily Foxes to each other anymore. Come to here, come O Maiden Huntress! (Lysistrata195 and both the Athenian and Spartan women enter.) Athenian Ambassador #1 Since everything else has turned out so well, You Spartans should now take your wives196 back home; You Athenians do the same. Let each man stand beside his wife, And each wife beside her husband, in celebration of This happy ending, by taking up a dance for the gods. And may we together aim to never go astray like this again. Bring on the dance, bring on the Graces,197 And call forth Artemis Along with her twin, the Kindly Healer;198 The Nysian199 too, Who among his maenads200 flashes his eyes ecstatic. And call upon Zeus ablaze with lightning, together with His blessed wife and queen.201 And include the divine spirits,202 to serve As vigilant witnesses 195. Lysistratas appearance (as a mute character) here is conjectural, as elsewhere in the play her entrances are explicitly announced. If she does appear, she perhaps does not dance as the others, but stands majestically apart in an Athena-esque pose. Cf. Introductory Essay 42. 196. I.e., the hostages taken at 244. 197. The Charites, who personify grace and charm and enjoy continuous music and dancing. 198. Apollo. 199. Dionysus. 200. In myth, the ecstatic female followers of Dionysus: cf. note 10 above. 201. Hera: see Appendix. 202. The daimones, non-anthropomorphic supernatural powers in the Greek pantheon. 1265 1266-7 1268-9 1270 1275 1280 1283-4 1285 1290 1295 1300 1305 1310 1312-3 112 HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER Of this generous Peace203 That the goddess Cypris204 forged. Chorus Alalai, hail Paian, Rise up, iai! Dance for victory, iai! Evoi, evoi, evoi, evoi! Athenian Ambassador #1 Produce a song, my Spartan friend, a novel one to match our own. Spartan Ambassador Abandon anew lovely Mt. Taygetos,205 O Spartan Muse! Come, to graciously Hymn for us the god of Amyklai,206 Athena of the Bronze House207 And the noble sons of Tyndareos,208 Who sport along the Eurotas.209 Step it up now, Yes, jump ever so slightly! Let s launch a hymn for Sparta, Where dances for gods And the pounding of feet are cherished, And where along the Eurotas Young girls sway like fillies Raising dust In a flurry of feet. Their hair s flung 'round Like maenads playfully wielding their thyrsoi.210 Aristophanes'Lysistrata 113 [eda's daughter211 leads the way, pure and pleasing leader of the dance Lw come bind your hair back with your hands, Pralce on your feet like a deer, and speed the dance with your shouts. Sing now of the all-victorious Goddess of the Bronze House!212 (all exit) 1315 1316-7 1318-9 1320-1 203. Hesychia, a personification of peace. 204. Aphrodite: cf. notes 93 and 95 above. 205. See note 39 above. 206. An important site of the worship of Apollo near Sparta. 207. Spartan cult of Athena, where she served as the citadel s protective goddess, much like Athena Polias (cf. notes 94 and 108 above) at Athens. 208. Castor and Pollux: see note 31 above. 209. A river passing through Sparta; Apollo's sanctuary at Amyklai was located on its banks. 210. A wand wreathed with ivy and topped with a pine cone, carried by reveling maenads (see note 200 above). also is the sker of the Dioscuri (see notes 31 and 208 above). 212. See note 208 above.